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Curbed Enthusiasm v. Crazy Like a Fox
Dave: Let's welcome two new full-time judges into the Holy Order of Thunderdome, Captain Platypus (who debuted last episode) and Malfouka. Mal, raise your right boob and repeat after me: "I solemnly swear to blow cigarette smoke in the eyes of naive bloggers, put out the butts on their wrists and dump ash onto their laps." And away we go...

Curbed Enthusiasm
Malfouka: First of all, I would like to say thanks to the powers that be for allowing me into the hallowed ranks of Blog Thunderdome. With that said, however, I'd also like to staple your scrotums to your chins (sorry ladies, I'll think of an appropriate punishment for you later) for making my debut battle unmitigated hell. Seriously, Curbed Enthusiasm vs. Crazy as a might as well make me choose between a bottle of bubbly and a pack of cigarettes. Geez.

Dave: You're much too kind. No, seriously, you're being much too kind.

Malfouka:If there is one thing that I hate in the blogverse, it's a blogger who appropriates mythological and culturally significant characters for use as his online personality. Take for instance, the author of Curbed Enthusiasm. This poor deluded fool not only lacks the creativity necessary to invent his own unique pseudonym but he also has an apparently overblown ego. 007, James Bond? Did he sniff too much glue as a teenager? I don't know about you, but when I think of James Bond, twenty-something married fathers do not come to mind.

Dave: That's better. You've learned quickly.

Brad: James Bond is English, not some commonwealth hack. I want sports cars, Tattinger, Bond Street and the Union Jack, NOT Zambonis, Molson Golden, Candian Tyre and some stupid Maple Leaf.

Dave: If you go with the James Bond 007 moniker, you're asking for trouble. The real Bond has women dripping off him, never listened to a Rush album and, most importantly, is NOT married. If he is a father, it is in genetics only and not because he spends time with the little critters.

Brad: I am willing to bet that this guy thinks Ian Fleming is a single malt Scotch from Dingleberry, Scotland. This guy is hanging with Bullwinkle and Rocky, not M and Miss Moneypenny.

Malfouka: Dudley Do-Right would have made a more accurate persona.

Dave: At least match the title with the character. What does Bond have to do with Curbed Enthusiasm? Bond was pretty enthusiastic for a super spy. Note the trail of soiled sheets. I'm afraid this blogger hasn't earned the 007 name, so from here on in, we'll refer to him as 006.

Captain Platypus: 006 has a recurring habit of using The Smoking Gun as a crutch for material. He could save a lot of time by just putting a link to the site in his sidebar but that would greatly diminish the content of his blog.

Brad: The only thing I was able to find out about him in his profile is that he has a licence to kill (I wonder how many people have died from boredom reading his blog) and that he is a cunning linguist (Mrs. 006 is strangely silent on this matter). I also discovered that 006 spends a lot of his spare time using Photoshop, as evidenced by his many retouched pics (you know, the kind your co-workers and family send you via email with a little note attached saying how funny they thought it was).

Dave: That's also called spam. Whether you cram it into some unfortunate's email inbox or post it on a blog, it's still spam.

Malfouka: Cunning linguist? The following are less-than-cunning examples: "...acted as if her shit didn't stink," "...shrieking like a schoolgirl." Then there are the repeated posts about Michael Jackson, the "Runaway Bride" and the act of "blogging." One can only hope that he is a better cunnilingue.

Captain Platypus: Considering the definitions of the two words, "cunning" and "linguist," either 006 lies about knowing multiple languages or he stealthily studies the science of language. I found neither.

Dave: If you can't write a short paragraph about yourself, don't put up an "about" section (or in this case an "aboot" section...cue rimshot). Better yet, don't put up a blog. The next blog in the Thunderdome that has an "About Me" section without any factual and/or funny information about the author will be banned for a week as a matter of principle.

Malfouka: I noticed a disturbing theme emerging from the general errata--it appears that our ersatz secret agent man is a not-so-closeted coprophiliac. In other words, (for you my less-literate friends) shit obsessed. I didn't actually count the number of entries focusing on excrement and/or toileting practices, but a conservative estimate would be about five every month. I'm not sure if this obsession is the result of childhood toilet-training trauma or is simply an indication of a less evolved psyche, but I would recommend therapy and large doses of Lithium. Get your mind (and blog) out of the toilet man! Ask yourself before posting such (literal) crap, would Bond, James Bond, say something like, "You wouldn't catch me knee deep in human shit, wacking off looking at some lady's ass as she drops a bomb. Poo may be funny, but it is never sexy. EVER..." (From "A Man's Gotta Do What A Man's Gotta Do," July 9, 2005)?

Captain Platypus: In his post "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus", 006 is confronted with the trials of Blogger and how it likes to eat posts. He includes an incriminating piece of evidence about his blogging skills when he writes, "Today, I have nothing to post about that 20 million other bloggers haven't already." Yea verily.

Malfouka: The general look is clean and simple--like a man should be. I have no problem with white lettering on a black background. I prefer it actually. Nevertheless, even the best of us are somehow flawed thus bringing me to ask the following question, what's the deal with the Canadian flag? It's like a rotating bit of stupidity, a hirsute wart on an otherwise unspoiled complexion. Lose the flag, oh, and the counter too. Counters are moronic. They mean nothing. Not only can counters be set to reflect whatever number one chooses, but does anyone really care how many "visitors" a blog has had? Counters are a sure indication that someone is overestimating his importance to mankind.

Crazy Like a Fox
Brad: What is incredible about this blog is that you not only have one crappy template but four! You can opt for trailer park gold (double wide obviously), 70s psychedelic (with grade school font) or two standard Wordpress templates which will have you thinking that you are about to read a blog about computer reviews.

Dave: The "Gold" template uses a Comics Sans font in the left sidebar. You're on thin ice, Fox. I have long endorsed the initiative to ban Comic Sans from all computers.

Captain Platypus: I was greeted with a post about a cross dressing/cheating ex-husband. Okay. More than a bit uncomfortable now. I assume the usual position: avert my eyes down and slightly to the right, don't blink, and wait for the situation to pass. I help the situation along by giving the scroll button on my mouse a spin worthy of a trip to the Showcase Showdown on the Price is Right.

Malfouka: So what does a crazy fox write about? Well, as far as I can tell, not much. Four out of twenty of the last posts have been done by someone other than Crazy herself. That's 20%. Furthermore, when she does manage her own content, it is usually either about breasts or the paucity of "guest bloggers" to feature.

Captain Platypus: Rant posts are common fluff for bloggers when they have a lot of ideas swimming in their heads and make believe that we're interested in their mundane thoughts. She mentions that she lives in Arkansas and points out that it is illegal to marry your cousin there yet it isn't illegal in New York, California, and Washington, D.C. Does this mean cousin coupling isn't a problem in Arkansas? Consider this: Alaska has laws to regulate whale hunting, yet Arkansas does not. Does this lack of legislation mean that Arkansas doesn't care about whales? No, it means that there aren't any fucking whales! It's the problem that dictates the need for the law. Obviously the Arkansas legislature felt it necessary to put a law on the books to cut down on the number of cousins propagating flipper babies into the Arkansas school system.

Brad: Okay, so you're NOT allowed to marry your cousin in Arkansas, only your sister. Thanks for setting me straight.

Dave: Ugh, serves me right for complaining about "About" pages five minutes ago. From Fox's bio: "I enjoy reading, painting, and cross stitching." Yeah, great. I wanna party with YOU. I changed my mind. I want to know less about you people.

Verdict Fox posted a true story about her ex-husband being a cross dresser, that takes a lot of balls (two more, in fact, than 006). 006 may have a license to kill, but we have a license to ban. On this, the tenth day of October, 2005, the Holy Order of Thunderdome (HOT) under the auspices of the WBO hereby bans Curbed Enthusiasm for a period of two months. Graphics for the winner and loser.

Medals of Dubious Honor:
Best Whorish Blue Eyeshadow: Crazy Like a Fox
Too Much Information Award: co-winners. We really didn't need to know that 007 is now shooting blanks or that Crazy's ex-husband was an episode of Jerry Springer personified.

The Holy Order of Thunderdome hath spoken.

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