I am writing to you from the future. Greetings and good tidings. While you savor the fruits of a well-deserved recession, I am happily one year in the future, sitting on the monuments of financial ruin and enjoying circumstances only slightly less terrible. There are still no air cars.
Last season, we donated several hundred dollars worth of toys to Island Harvest, a hunger-relief organization that also distributes toys to needy children during the December holidays. Toys are necessary tools to foster imagination, creativity and social development for kids. You can help by either donating a toy in your own neighborhood or sending a toy to us, which we will then deliver to Island Harvest. Please contact us for more info.
Once again, the always elusive Boo Berry cereal (Frankenberry and Count Chocula’s red-headed stepchild) is out now for the holiday season.
Don’t be stupid and miss out on Halloween’s latest tradition that isn’t at all a shallow marketing ploy designed to make you spend more money on stuff you don’t need.
I’m sure at some point you’ve been to a party (or gathering, if you’re old) where someone had Rock Band. If not, the terrorists have already won. What caps off an already brilliant event? Your own personal full band karaoke set up. Nothing more fun than watching friends and family slam on the drums or scream nonsense into a microphone.
So a bajillion people auditioned for the show this year, and apparently a bunch of those auditions happened in Chicago, and it seems that two of those Chicago auditioneers were Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze, and wouldn’t you fucking know it? They’re this season’s two remaining finalists. So I guess the show is trying to tell us that this is fate. Or maybe that the other audition cities were a big waste of time and money. Or that because of that location, this dreary season somehow managed to crap out an actual story arc. I think this is all just another effort to fill time. This is a two-hour finale, after all. And this is American Idol. “See you in another life, brother.”
You know what the best thing is about this season? It isn’t Crystal Bowersox. It isn’t Lee DeWyze. It isn’t that Ellen did a pretty good job. (I don’t know, I fast-forwarded through her parts.) And it isn’t even that Tim Urban is sitting in the audience tonight. The best thing about this season is that this muthafucka is over! After tonight’s performances, one lucky contestant will be crowned Queen of the Prom and we can all look back on this year like a drunken memory best forgotten. This is American Idol. “Just let go.”
After tonight, three become two — and two become finale. Then finale becomes everlasting freedom from the weekly exercise in lethargy that this show has become. Who knew we had it so good back in the days of Chris Sligh? Vonzell Solomon, anyone? Exactly. This is American Idol. “Feel that shimmy? That’s your hind legs trying to outrun your front.”
Elliston, Ohio. Mount Prospect, Illinois. Cool, Texas. These fine cities are the hometowns of the remaining three Idols: Crystal, Dweezil, and Casey, respectively. Tonight and tomorrow, we’ll see footage of their visits to those obscure points of origin. If that excites you in any regard, you need medicine. This is American Idol. “Costa del Lex. Luthorville. Marina del Lex. Otisburg. Otisburg?!”
“All of these faces came to this stage with a dream,” says Little Ryan. And I can assure you that no part of that dream involved boring America to tears with bad covers of tired old songs your own grandmother doesn’t want to hear. But don’t worry. Tonight’s episode might be good. Ha! Have you ever seen this show? This is American Idol. “You don’t have to go to college. This isn’t Russia. Is this Russia? This isn’t Russia.”
Last night, the Idols sang the songs of Frank Sinatra after being coached by Harry Connick, Jr. I give this show a lot of crap, but I really must applaud them when, at times like this, they go above and beyond to keep the contestants relevant and contemporary. This is American Idol. “Sometimes life isn’t about NEED, Barry. It’s about WANT.”