American Idol: Final Results, Final Simon…Final Frankie?!

So a bajillion people auditioned for the show this year, and apparently a bunch of those auditions happened in Chicago, and it seems that two of those Chicago auditioneers were Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze, and wouldn’t you fucking know it? They’re this season’s two remaining finalists. So I guess the show is trying to tell us that this is fate. Or maybe that the other audition cities were a big waste of time and money. Or that because of that location, this dreary season somehow managed to crap out an actual story arc. I think this is all just another effort to fill time. This is a two-hour finale, after all. And this is American Idol. “See you in another life, brother.”
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American Idol Top 3: Results

After tonight, three become two — and two become finale. Then finale becomes everlasting freedom from the weekly exercise in lethargy that this show has become. Who knew we had it so good back in the days of Chris Sligh? Vonzell Solomon, anyone? Exactly. This is American Idol. “Feel that shimmy? That’s your hind legs trying to outrun your front.”
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American Idol Top 6: Results

Last night, Shania Twain stopped by to mentor the contestants to all-new heights of tedium. Tonight, she has good sense to stay away (unless I fast-forwarded through her). Instead, we’re treated to an hour-long commercial for country music. It’s enough to make a viewer miss the starving Africans and shack-dwelling families of “Idol Gives Back.” Country-fucking-music. Oy. This is American Idol. “Anyone who says money can’t buy happiness doesn’t know where to shop.”
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American Idol Top 9: Results (For Real!)

Last night, the contestants performed a series of Elvis classics because they wanted us to know, in case there was any doubt, that although they’re certainly more interesting than watching paint dry, they’re far less interesting than inhaling the fumes of said paint. Because at least, in that case, you might hallucinate a unicorn or a magical fairy. In reality, we just got Adam Lambert. Close enough? Maybe. This is American Idol. “Darling, I can tell you now…your father went through life with an open fly.”
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American Idol Top 10: Results

Last night, the ten remaining contestants (mostly) snoozed and/or screeched their way through a series of R&B/soul hits — after being mentored by the “artist” known as Usher, who was hired because Sisqó was too busy. Tonight, another lukewarm body goes home to fade into delicious obscurity. This is American Idol. “Jimmy want a rib! Jimmy want a steak! Jimmy want a piece of yo chocolate cake!”
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American Idol Top 11: Results

Even this show is sick of itself. “ANOTHER IDOL MUST FALL.” That’s what it says, in big red letters, right there on my TV, in glorious high-def. Next week’s title card: “KILL US NOW. PLEASE.” They should just release a pack of wolves on the stage and whatever happens, happens. It can’t be any worse than what we’ve seen so far. This, I’m sorry to say, is American Idol. “I’m running a label here, Josephine!”
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American Idol: Top 12 Results

The culling is well underway. Tonight, another dream is shattered as we go from 12 to 11 finalists. I’d be very comfortable dropping down to 5 or 6, but Fox, for some reason, feels differently. This is American Idol. The body count continues…
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American Idol Results: 3 Become 2

Why in the name of Victor Von Doom is Ben Stiller on my TV? Worse, why is he talking to me? I know I’m not on medication and I gave up crack after that unfortunate Disney World incident. (The Pirates of the Caribbean are robots. Don’t try to have sex with them. It hurts.) Is this really happening? Where’s my show? Holy armpits, he’s doing some kind of promotional skit to push that museum movie on us. Now there’s a Saturday Night Live guy talking to me. And the fat kid from Superbad. And Agador Spartacus. I feel like Jodie Foster in The Accused. No means no! This is American Idol. Armand, why won’t you let me be in the show? Are you afraid of my Guatemalan-ness?
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American Idol Results: 4 Become 3

Last night, we were slapped in the face by Rock Night, and boxed in the ears by Gokey’s attempt at a Steve Tyler howl. Allison decided that 17 weeks into the season was a fine time to throw attitude at Simon. But he loved it. The kids sang duets. Gokey was less than thrilled to be paired with Kris, while Adam and Allison owned the stage. Also, the set tried to kill everybody before the show even started. If at first you don’t succeed, etc., etc. This is American Idol. Do you know what happens to a toad when it’s struck by lightning?
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American Idol Results: 5 Become 4

Last night, the Idols celebrated “The Rat Pack” by singing songs that had a vague connection to the mid-60′s group of friends and performers in that they were songs those performers might have heard at some point, in passing. Apparently, the Rat Packers were an exclusive little clique, although if they let Norman Fell in, they can’t have been too discriminating. This is American Idol. When are you gonna learn, Edie? You’re in this world, you know. You’re not out of the world.
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