American Idol: Final Results, Final Simon…Final Frankie?!

So a bajillion people auditioned for the show this year, and apparently a bunch of those auditions happened in Chicago, and it seems that two of those Chicago auditioneers were Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze, and wouldn’t you fucking know it? They’re this season’s two remaining finalists. So I guess the show is trying to tell us that this is fate. Or maybe that the other audition cities were a big waste of time and money. Or that because of that location, this dreary season somehow managed to crap out an actual story arc. I think this is all just another effort to fill time. This is a two-hour finale, after all. And this is American Idol. “See you in another life, brother.”
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American Idol Top 2: Dweezilsox! Dweezilsox! Dweezilsox!

You know what the best thing is about this season? It isn’t Crystal Bowersox. It isn’t Lee DeWyze. It isn’t that Ellen did a pretty good job. (I don’t know, I fast-forwarded through her parts.) And it isn’t even that Tim Urban is sitting in the audience tonight. The best thing about this season is that this muthafucka is over! After tonight’s performances, one lucky contestant will be crowned Queen of the Prom and we can all look back on this year like a drunken memory best forgotten. This is American Idol. “Just let go.”
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American Idol Top 3: Double or Nothing

Elliston, Ohio. Mount Prospect, Illinois. Cool, Texas. These fine cities are the hometowns of the remaining three Idols: Crystal, Dweezil, and Casey, respectively. Tonight and tomorrow, we’ll see footage of their visits to those obscure points of origin. If that excites you in any regard, you need medicine. This is American Idol. “Costa del Lex. Luthorville. Marina del Lex. Otisburg. Otisburg?!
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American Idol Top 5: Results

Last night, the Idols sang the songs of Frank Sinatra after being coached by Harry Connick, Jr. I give this show a lot of crap, but I really must applaud them when, at times like this, they go above and beyond to keep the contestants relevant and contemporary. This is American Idol. “Sometimes life isn’t about NEED, Barry. It’s about WANT.”
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American Idol Top 5: The Trouble With Harry

From over 100,00 contestants (well, potential contestants — Ryan likes to exaggerate), we’re down to a mere 5. That’s probably 5 too many, but we’ve stuck it out this long, haven’t we? Might as well see it through. It’s not like we have lives. Or good taste. This is American Idol. “I have seen a security hologram…of him…killing Younglings.”
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American Idol Top 6: Betwixt and BeTwain

We’re down to the final six, and in case there’s any confusion, Ryan breaks it down for us. “A paint salesman, a high school student, a glass-blower, a mother, a father, and a construction worker.” That’s what this show has come to: the people in your neighborhood. If Mr. Hooper were alive, maybe he’d mentor this crew. He couldn’t be any worse than Usher. “I don’t care whether your relationship with Dex is personal or professional. Dex is mine. In the boardroom — and in the bedroom.”
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American Idol Results: Idol Gives Back

After a wonderful skip-year, “Idol Gives Back” is swooping down on us like a poor, disease-ridden, bird of prey. It wants our time. It wants our money. It absolutely wants our votes. And I think, maybe, it wants our souls. This is American Idol. “Greetings, Princess. It is I, Carlos the Dwarf. The dragon has been slain, and you’re free to rule your kingdom.”
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American Idol Top 7: Outwit, Outplay…Inspire?

With “Idol Gives Back” looming over us like a starving, malaria-ridden guillotine, tonight’s musical theme is “inspirational songs,” which for the contestants, roughly translates as “something I heard on the radio at some point.” But there are only seven of them now, so the experience is…ah, who am I kidding? It’s agony. This is American Idol. “Vampirism is not a disease, Julia. Vampires are the living dead.”
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American Idol Top 9 Redux: A Queen Trumps the King

Elvis has been dead for 32 years, but tonight, with the help of Adam Lambert, Our Dear Show is going to dig up his grave and remind us that its not the songs that make the star, it’s the singer singing them. The perk: after this week’s performances, two contestants will be sent packing. I, for one, would like more perks of this nature. This is American Idol. “There’s four letters in my name, Rod. How can there be enough room on your joint for four letters?”
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American Idol Top 9: Results

On Tuesday, the contestants performed songs from the Lennon/McCartney songbook. Yoko may have broken up the Beatles, but it took this show to destroy them. And in the end, the love you take…is equal to the number of white Hanes t-shirts in Simon’s closet. In a mere fifty-nine wasted minutes, one of these suckers is going home. Or are they…? This is American Idol. “He’s very fussy about his drums, you know. They loom large in his legend.”
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