You know what the best thing is about this season? It isn’t Crystal Bowersox. It isn’t Lee DeWyze. It isn’t that Ellen did a pretty good job. (I don’t know, I fast-forwarded through her parts.) And it isn’t even that Tim Urban is sitting in the audience tonight. The best thing about this season is that this muthafucka is over! After tonight’s performances, one lucky contestant will be crowned Queen of the Prom and we can all look back on this year like a drunken memory best forgotten. This is American Idol. “Just let go.”
Crystal Bowersox. Lee DeWyze. Crystal Bowersox. Lee DeWyze. Crystal DeWyze. Lee Bowersox. Crystal Bebowobow. LeeLee DeLooLoo. They repeat the two finalists names so much it becomes gibberish. And they don’t even have the good grace to refer to Lee by his proper name: Dweezil. Why do I bother to come here and do what I do, America? Why?
So yeah, those are our two peeps, who will be singing for the masses and the judges, as if any of this even matters anymore, because you’re gonna vote for who you’re gonna vote for, unless you have a lick of sense in your brain and don’t vote at all. “Both are here to win it,” says Ryan. Thanks for catching me up, Seacrest. I had no fucking idea what was going on.
Big entrance by both, running down the aisle like Rachel in the “Don’t Rain on My Parade” number on Glee. As interesting? No. As gay? Yes.
Each Idol will sing three songs tonight. The first will be their favorite song of the season. Rerun. Nice. The second will be chosen by executive producer Simon Fuller. We never see him in the flesh. I bet he’s a chimp. Or a robot. Or a chimp-robot. And the third will be the single they’ll release — if they win — which is a cover of a pre-existing song. Hold up!! There’s no treacle-filled ballad this year? No “This Is My Now”? No “Moment Like This”? I realize last year’s “No Boundaries” wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but of all times for this show to break format, the third-from-last hour of the season would be, technically, the wrong fucking time.
Dweezil Flashback. One time, he was a child. He wore pajamas and liked baseball and his parents confirm these things. Excited yet?
Favorite Song: “The Boxer.” Dweezil’s a little listless this time around. Was he so the first time he performed this song, during Inspirational Week? Will somebody go look up my recap, because I’m tired and I wanna go to bed. Also: I don’t care. This is his now, and he’s boring me. The judges, and by judges I mean Simon, had higher hopes. He wanted more passion. “That was a kiss on the cheek when I wanted a kiss on the lips.” At this point, Ryan bitch-slaps Lee in a jealous rage.
Crystal Flashback (new from Coca-Cola). She, at one point, was also a child. These parallels are remarkable. Once, she peeked at her Christmas presents. And some other times, she played guitar.
Favorite Song: “Me and Bobby McGee.” It’s a little slow, and then a little fast, and then a little rough, and there are stupid people waving their arms in the audience just begging me to punch them in the face. I am overwhelmed with indifference. Simon has decided that “we have a competition tonight.” Then it’s a good thing Fox shelled out money to create those voting lines, eh? Way to plan ahead.
Simon Fuller Pick – Dweezil: “Everybody Hurts” by REM. This…is really good. It sounds nothing like the original, either vocally (Dweezil doesn’t even try to Stipe this) or in arrangement. There’s a lot of talk on this show about a song sounding current or fresh, and this covers it. The choir is a bit of overkill, (and didn’t Dweezil get a choir last week, too?), but I liked it! No complaints. Simon calls it a brilliant choice, but is like, “Stop being nervous, Dweezil, it’s the end of the goddamn season!”
Simon Fuller Pick – Crystal: “Black Velvet.” Lord, do I hate this song. What “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” is to the world, this song is to me. I want it to be the first victim in the next Saw movie. I want it to be shoe-bombed. I want it to have an affair with Jesse James, get outed as a Nazi-sympathizer, and be shamed forever. I hate this song. The judges…I don’t even know. It’s Crystal. I’m sure she’s fine.
Commercials. Is anybody really going to see Prince of Persia? I mean, actually pay money for a seat, then sit in that seat, and view the entire film, on purpose. If you’re that person, say hey. I’m really curious about your mental dysfunction.
Future Single – Dweezil: “Beautiful Day” by U2. Okay…this song? The whole “touch me/teach me” part is so freakin’ lifted from a-ha’s very cool “The Sun Always Shines on TV.” Are you reading this, Bono? I’m calling your ass out! That said, Dweezil is again very good. I’d never buy this, on account of how U2 gives me hives, but if I had immunity (and bad taste), this would certainly get a download. Simon is disinterested in discussing the performance, but wants Dweezil to know he (Simon) thinks he (Dweezil) is a nice guy who used to work in a paint store but can now testify to the miracles of modern television and reality-TV fame.
Future Single – Crystal: “Up to the Mountain” by Patty Griffin. Folk song. Spiritual-ish. Total hippie time. But slow…oh…so…slow. It has something to do with Martin Luther King, Jr…but man-alive, who would want to hear this on the radio? At a funeral, maybe. Objectively, she performs it well. But bitchily, I think it’s kinda suckish. The judges are beside themselves with the glory of this performance. And then Crystal is all, “Simon, I know this is your last night as an Idol judge and I just wanna say you are totally cool and awesome and smart and thank you for everything you’ve ever said to me, ever, and for creating flowers, and oxygen, too.” I’ll say this: Girl knows how to play the game. Votes, please direct yourselves towards Ms. Bowersox.
Then Will Young, who won Pop Idol a good 27 years ago, comes out looking like a wax dummy of himself to sing a ballad to accompany a flashback montage of this season’s highlights. “Pants on the Ground” was this year?! There’s the Jame Gumb guy and the kid who looked like Adam Brody and sang like Jim Morrison. There’s the guy who was ejected from auditions by the police, not for being a real threat to anyone, but because some twat producer thought it would make good TV. Quick glimpses of former Top 12 Idols. There’s…ah…the not-gang guy. Andrew Something. That girl with the hair and the face…Trixie? The other fakity-fake girl with the blue contacts. There’s Katie what’s-her-face. I hated her so much. What was her name? The last sentence of William Peter Blatty’s The Exorcist is: “In forgetting, they were trying to remember.” I think the reverse is true. In remembering, I’m trying to forget. Except with this show, I don’t even have to try.
Tomorrow: it all ends. Dweezil and Crystal go to church and they’re dead or something except for when they got shot and had babies and paid bills and were totally not dead, but the island is still there but cracked, or underwater in the Sideways universe, so there are technically still two islands, and then Ryan will lay down and close his eyes while Vincent the dog licks foundation off his face, and Simon will be revealed as No-Name the Smoke Monster and we will never know why Walt was special. Or Randy, for that matter. Especially Randy. Also: somebody wins this noise.
Join me in a couple of days for the season finale recap — my last-ever recap of this demon of a show. That’s right, folks, I’m outta here. I’m gonna do my best to be completely mean-spirited…because I think it’s what you deserve and would appreciate the most.
And while I can’t predict this mess, and it’s likely Crystal will win, for the record, I’m pulling for Dweezil.