American Idol: Final Results, Final Simon…Final Frankie?!

So a bajillion people auditioned for the show this year, and apparently a bunch of those auditions happened in Chicago, and it seems that two of those Chicago auditioneers were Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze, and wouldn’t you fucking know it? They’re this season’s two remaining finalists. So I guess the show is trying to tell us that this is fate. Or maybe that the other audition cities were a big waste of time and money. Or that because of that location, this dreary season somehow managed to crap out an actual story arc. I think this is all just another effort to fill time. This is a two-hour finale, after all. And this is American Idol. “See you in another life, brother.”
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American Idol Top 2: Dweezilsox! Dweezilsox! Dweezilsox!

You know what the best thing is about this season? It isn’t Crystal Bowersox. It isn’t Lee DeWyze. It isn’t that Ellen did a pretty good job. (I don’t know, I fast-forwarded through her parts.) And it isn’t even that Tim Urban is sitting in the audience tonight. The best thing about this season is that this muthafucka is over! After tonight’s performances, one lucky contestant will be crowned Queen of the Prom and we can all look back on this year like a drunken memory best forgotten. This is American Idol. “Just let go.”
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American Idol Top 3: Results

After tonight, three become two — and two become finale. Then finale becomes everlasting freedom from the weekly exercise in lethargy that this show has become. Who knew we had it so good back in the days of Chris Sligh? Vonzell Solomon, anyone? Exactly. This is American Idol. “Feel that shimmy? That’s your hind legs trying to outrun your front.”
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American Idol Top 3: Double or Nothing

Elliston, Ohio. Mount Prospect, Illinois. Cool, Texas. These fine cities are the hometowns of the remaining three Idols: Crystal, Dweezil, and Casey, respectively. Tonight and tomorrow, we’ll see footage of their visits to those obscure points of origin. If that excites you in any regard, you need medicine. This is American Idol. “Costa del Lex. Luthorville. Marina del Lex. Otisburg. Otisburg?!
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American Idol Top 4 (With Results): Double Whammy

“All of these faces came to this stage with a dream,” says Little Ryan. And I can assure you that no part of that dream involved boring America to tears with bad covers of tired old songs your own grandmother doesn’t want to hear. But don’t worry. Tonight’s episode might be good. Ha! Have you ever seen this show? This is American Idol. “You don’t have to go to college. This isn’t Russia. Is this Russia? This isn’t Russia.”
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American Idol Top 5: Results

Last night, the Idols sang the songs of Frank Sinatra after being coached by Harry Connick, Jr. I give this show a lot of crap, but I really must applaud them when, at times like this, they go above and beyond to keep the contestants relevant and contemporary. This is American Idol. “Sometimes life isn’t about NEED, Barry. It’s about WANT.”
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American Idol Top 5: The Trouble With Harry

From over 100,00 contestants (well, potential contestants — Ryan likes to exaggerate), we’re down to a mere 5. That’s probably 5 too many, but we’ve stuck it out this long, haven’t we? Might as well see it through. It’s not like we have lives. Or good taste. This is American Idol. “I have seen a security hologram…of him…killing Younglings.”
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American Idol Top 6: Results

Last night, Shania Twain stopped by to mentor the contestants to all-new heights of tedium. Tonight, she has good sense to stay away (unless I fast-forwarded through her). Instead, we’re treated to an hour-long commercial for country music. It’s enough to make a viewer miss the starving Africans and shack-dwelling families of “Idol Gives Back.” Country-fucking-music. Oy. This is American Idol. “Anyone who says money can’t buy happiness doesn’t know where to shop.”
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American Idol Top 6: Betwixt and BeTwain

We’re down to the final six, and in case there’s any confusion, Ryan breaks it down for us. “A paint salesman, a high school student, a glass-blower, a mother, a father, and a construction worker.” That’s what this show has come to: the people in your neighborhood. If Mr. Hooper were alive, maybe he’d mentor this crew. He couldn’t be any worse than Usher. “I don’t care whether your relationship with Dex is personal or professional. Dex is mine. In the boardroom — and in the bedroom.”
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American Idol Results: Idol Gives Back

After a wonderful skip-year, “Idol Gives Back” is swooping down on us like a poor, disease-ridden, bird of prey. It wants our time. It wants our money. It absolutely wants our votes. And I think, maybe, it wants our souls. This is American Idol. “Greetings, Princess. It is I, Carlos the Dwarf. The dragon has been slain, and you’re free to rule your kingdom.”
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