American Idol: Final Results, Final Simon…Final Frankie?!

So a bajillion people auditioned for the show this year, and apparently a bunch of those auditions happened in Chicago, and it seems that two of those Chicago auditioneers were Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze, and wouldn’t you fucking know it? They’re this season’s two remaining finalists. So I guess the show is trying to tell us that this is fate. Or maybe that the other audition cities were a big waste of time and money. Or that because of that location, this dreary season somehow managed to crap out an actual story arc. I think this is all just another effort to fill time. This is a two-hour finale, after all. And this is American Idol. “See you in another life, brother.”
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TV show and episode guides

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American Idol Results: And The Winner Be…

After 19 week, 40 episodes, and more hours than I can recall without weeping uncontrollably, we are about to reach maximum safe distance from this show. At long last, Finale Night is upon us. Who will win? Will it be the glamorous lady with the shrieky voice, or will it be the kid who wandered on stage looking for a place to spend his Old Navy gift card? Hot or cold? Salt or pepper? Adam or Kris? Everybody has an opinion–including the very valid “I don’t care.” But if that were the case, you wouldn’t be reading this. Would you? This is American Idol. The Visitors are not our friends. They’ve come to rape our planet and kill us. They are not who they appear to be!
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American Idol: The Big Ding-Dong

Flashbacks remind us that once upon a time, Adam Lambert and Kris Allen were two people nobody gave a shit about. In Olde Audition Tymes, Adam didn’t wear eyeliner, while Kris sported an ill-conceived cabbie hat. Then they got famous. Kris embraced the cuteness. Adam embraced the Maybelline. I embraced the idea of tonight being the final night of performances. This is American Idol. Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts?
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American Idol Results: 3 Become 2

Why in the name of Victor Von Doom is Ben Stiller on my TV? Worse, why is he talking to me? I know I’m not on medication and I gave up crack after that unfortunate Disney World incident. (The Pirates of the Caribbean are robots. Don’t try to have sex with them. It hurts.) Is this really happening? Where’s my show? Holy armpits, he’s doing some kind of promotional skit to push that museum movie on us. Now there’s a Saturday Night Live guy talking to me. And the fat kid from Superbad. And Agador Spartacus. I feel like Jodie Foster in The Accused. No means no! This is American Idol. Armand, why won’t you let me be in the show? Are you afraid of my Guatemalan-ness?
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American Idol: All-Male Revue

“They have become heroes in their hometowns.” Because next to war veterans, firefighters, and astronauts, amateur singers in a reality show competition are true, heroic pioneers. There’s Danny Gokey, smiling like a cock until he realizes he’s on camera, then he’s straight-faced; Kris Allen, looking like he just wants to fucking sing already; Adam Lambert, who should not be seen in close-up under any circumstance. Boundaries, people. Boundaries. And for what it’s worth, tonight is the 300th episode. This is American Idol. Come back with your shield, or on it.
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American Idol Results: 4 Become 3

Last night, we were slapped in the face by Rock Night, and boxed in the ears by Gokey’s attempt at a Steve Tyler howl. Allison decided that 17 weeks into the season was a fine time to throw attitude at Simon. But he loved it. The kids sang duets. Gokey was less than thrilled to be paired with Kris, while Adam and Allison owned the stage. Also, the set tried to kill everybody before the show even started. If at first you don’t succeed, etc., etc. This is American Idol. Do you know what happens to a toad when it’s struck by lightning?
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American Idol: Slash and Burn

The herd of thirty-six has been thinned to four. Last week, someone poor sucker went home. Their sorry delusion of defeating Adam Lambert, shattered into bits. Was it Matt? I don’t even remember. A year from now, I doubt I could tell you who was in the final four, except maybe for Kris Allen–and that’s because he’ll be sitting on my couch, feeding me Hershey’s Kisses, and I can just ask him. This is American Idol. My friends, I give you snow. I give you ice. I give you power. I give you the key to a new world. I give you diamond dust!
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American Idol Results: 5 Become 4

Last night, the Idols celebrated “The Rat Pack” by singing songs that had a vague connection to the mid-60′s group of friends and performers in that they were songs those performers might have heard at some point, in passing. Apparently, the Rat Packers were an exclusive little clique, although if they let Norman Fell in, they can’t have been too discriminating. This is American Idol. When are you gonna learn, Edie? You’re in this world, you know. You’re not out of the world.
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American Idol: In Living Duller

“For the people who remain on this stage, the intensity of the competition is a constant evolution.” True. We’ve seen Adam evolve from an annoying woman into a moderately tolerable ladyboy. “Tonight, they take on some of the most classic American songs of all time.” We’ll talk. “Who will set the standard?” If we’re talking about standard of douchery? I believe Gokey is standing on his mark. This is American Idol. Jerry likes my corn.
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