American Idol Results: Idol Gives Back

After a wonderful skip-year, “Idol Gives Back” is swooping down on us like a poor, disease-ridden, bird of prey. It wants our time. It wants our money. It absolutely wants our votes. And I think, maybe, it wants our souls. This is American Idol. “Greetings, Princess. It is I, Carlos the Dwarf. The dragon has been slain, and you’re free to rule your kingdom.”
[Continue Reading...]

American Idol Denver: Children of the Damned

Tonight’s audition episode takes place in Denver, best known to Idol viewers as The Place That Gave Us Daughtry. Personally, I pay no attention to where these people come from (or where they go, as long as they go quickly), but the show seems to put stock in such things. Barbarella Hufflepuff auditioned in Alaska. Lysterine O’Reilly auditioned in Hawaii. Isn’t that special?!? This is American Idol. “I don’t like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there’s too many fat children.”
[Continue Reading...]

American Idol Florida: Be Scurred…Be Very Scurred

Has this season started yet? Honestly. Everything we’ve seen so far feels like a poorly packaged clip reel, designed to generate interest in the show, but created by people who aren’t interested in the show. Everybody is going through the motions. Snarky judges. Lousy contestants. Good(ish) contestants. Ryan being short and adorable and useless and annoying, all at once. But it’s all lacking spirit. It’s as if Paula, along with her uppers, downers, body glitter, and Big Bag O’Crazy, took the show’s spark with her when she left for Whoville. Let’s hope it gets better at Hollywood, because another thirty-six episodes of this? Not at all sexy. This is American Idol. “Get ready, skanks! It’s time for the truth train!”
[Continue Reading...]

American Idol season 9 recap guide

For another thankless year, Frank takes on the horror freak show that is American Idol. [Continue Reading...]

TV show and episode guides

Superfun list of McAwesome Guides to TV shows.[Continue Reading...]

American Idol Results: And The Winner Be…

After 19 week, 40 episodes, and more hours than I can recall without weeping uncontrollably, we are about to reach maximum safe distance from this show. At long last, Finale Night is upon us. Who will win? Will it be the glamorous lady with the shrieky voice, or will it be the kid who wandered on stage looking for a place to spend his Old Navy gift card? Hot or cold? Salt or pepper? Adam or Kris? Everybody has an opinion–including the very valid “I don’t care.” But if that were the case, you wouldn’t be reading this. Would you? This is American Idol. The Visitors are not our friends. They’ve come to rape our planet and kill us. They are not who they appear to be!
[Continue Reading...]

American Idol: The Big Ding-Dong

Flashbacks remind us that once upon a time, Adam Lambert and Kris Allen were two people nobody gave a shit about. In Olde Audition Tymes, Adam didn’t wear eyeliner, while Kris sported an ill-conceived cabbie hat. Then they got famous. Kris embraced the cuteness. Adam embraced the Maybelline. I embraced the idea of tonight being the final night of performances. This is American Idol. Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts?
[Continue Reading...]

American Idol: All-Male Revue

“They have become heroes in their hometowns.” Because next to war veterans, firefighters, and astronauts, amateur singers in a reality show competition are true, heroic pioneers. There’s Danny Gokey, smiling like a cock until he realizes he’s on camera, then he’s straight-faced; Kris Allen, looking like he just wants to fucking sing already; Adam Lambert, who should not be seen in close-up under any circumstance. Boundaries, people. Boundaries. And for what it’s worth, tonight is the 300th episode. This is American Idol. Come back with your shield, or on it.
[Continue Reading...]

American Idol: Slash and Burn

The herd of thirty-six has been thinned to four. Last week, someone poor sucker went home. Their sorry delusion of defeating Adam Lambert, shattered into bits. Was it Matt? I don’t even remember. A year from now, I doubt I could tell you who was in the final four, except maybe for Kris Allen–and that’s because he’ll be sitting on my couch, feeding me Hershey’s Kisses, and I can just ask him. This is American Idol. My friends, I give you snow. I give you ice. I give you power. I give you the key to a new world. I give you diamond dust!
[Continue Reading...]

American Idol: In Living Duller

“For the people who remain on this stage, the intensity of the competition is a constant evolution.” True. We’ve seen Adam evolve from an annoying woman into a moderately tolerable ladyboy. “Tonight, they take on some of the most classic American songs of all time.” We’ll talk. “Who will set the standard?” If we’re talking about standard of douchery? I believe Gokey is standing on his mark. This is American Idol. Jerry likes my corn.
[Continue Reading...]