Apocalypse of Doom, part 4: Fortification

Finally, let’s deal with the last two topics of Extreme Survivalism: fortification and the Brave New World.[Continue Reading…]

Apocalypse of Doom, part 3

There’s going to be some major looting when civilization collapses and people begin to realize that they’re not, in fact, going to find out who the finalists are for the next American Idol. Things are that bad.[Continue Reading…]

Apocalypse of Doom, part 2

The first thing I did when I made my list was put it in Frank’s hands. Frank and I have discussed apocalypse scenarios before, and I knew he’d take me seriously unlike some of my other friends (“have u just lost your mind???”). Naturally, I was wrong.[Continue Reading…]

Apocalypse of Doom, part 1

Making a list and checking it twice
My interest in the coming apocalypse has inspired the creation of a survival list. I’ve compiled a combination of essential and good-to-have items enough for two people plus a few extra items for stragglers (because you just frickin know there’s gonna be hangers-on and ne’er-do-wells who have no clue; I won’t hold it against you if you instead get all Malthusian on their asses, kill them and roast their man-flesh over your fire pit). Apart from one or two items, everything may be carried for travel (via backpack or sled). Furthermore, I compiled the list with extended apocalyptic-level survival in mind, not just lost in the woods for 15 minutes. We’re talking zombification of the populace, mass extinction of the ‘soccer mom’ population, proliferation of atonal music, and the collapse of central and local governments.[Continue Reading…]

4th anniversary: Apocalypse of Doom

This fourth anniversary is a big one. First of all, I’m no longer hand-coding pages. Hell, I had to hand-code my rss feed. You know how much fun that is? Try salmonella. Yessiree, we’re on a bona fide, database-driven content management apparatus. Brand new design (again). I’m even allowing comments, contrary to every instinct in my body telling me otherwise. But Frank convinced me, so yay for him.

With the collapse of the global economy during the past few months, I’ve got one major concern top-of-mind these days. That concern is simple: absolute fucking chaos.

[Continue Reading…]

Test of the emergency post system

This is a test of the emergency post system. This is only a test. If this were an actual emergency we’d be running for our goddamned lives instead of farting around on the web.

January 2006 archive (1st anniv.)

  • Happy Anniversary
    January 12th is the birthday of this site. Good heavens, we’ve accomplished so little. (A note on our first anniversary.)
  • 24
    The missing episode: Jack Bauer gets hungry.
  • Wish you were here (on Cobra Island)
    The news sucks. It’s a bunch of pretty faces in front of a teleprompter who have no inclination to get to the heart of issues. So when Osama popped his head out of the cave long enough for a sound bite, we knew right away how important it was to ignore the issue and just crack jokes.
  • Can’t say I’m terribly proud of this experience, but whatever. Personally, I blame the Food and Drug Administration. Jerks.
    I ingested a known toxin. Once again I have defied not just death, but also my own careless stupidity.

August 2005 archive

I swallowed some nuts – Indulge in my culinary shame.

February 2005 archive

Feb. 4
Del Taco versus Taco Bell – A self-described fat slob takes on Taco Bell and Del Taco. With a pre-existing ulcer. And acid reflux. And severe vomiting. Be glad, dear reader, you didn’t get the hotel room after our intrepid author finished with it. P.S., you farted.

Feb. 6
The Encounter – I had a blast posing the action figures and taking the pix. I also loved writing the captions because I was able to do a sort of secondary story that dovetailed with the first…in the most juvenile way possible.

Feb. 11
Double dose of Quite Frankly.
Youthful yearning – May/December romance. December lusts for May.

Cold shoulder – One for the ladies. How to let down guys tryin to chat you up (pfft, like you need help in that department, you coldhearted bastards).

I also continue with blurby things. Why did I do that? Here’s one:
Art takes one in the face. Again.
Lucian Freud’s 2002 painting of a nude Kate Moss fetched more than $7 mil. Because, as we all know, near-celebrity equals art. I keep forgetting that. Stupid me.

Random stupidity
In this week’s offering of random stupidity, News 4 in Jacksonville (why are news channels always in a slanty italics font as if running away from a more carniverous font?…like, News4Jax…and then there’s a guy with an obnoxious fake voice saying, “Action News Dorks!!!”…I’m just asking is all…)–uh, anyways, News4Jax reports that those Scratch ‘n Win tickets are mostly garbage on account of the top prizes have already been given away and you have no shot to win and you will continue to live a crappy life. I can’t make this any more clear: if you play the lottery, you are an asstard.

Feb. 14
Valentine’s Day Gift Guide – one of several topics I have revisited every year. We, I mean ‘I,’ discuss video games (I did a cool pic of a Playstation spoof–Lamestation game), inappropriate books, and the International Star Registry.

Feb. 21
Doctor of journalism filled final Rx. Hunter Thompson shot himself. Bummer all around.

Feb. 22
Smells like teen spirit – Quite Frankly. I’m patting myself on the back for the Nirvana reference. Pat pat. A guy is having a problem because his girlfriend is farting during sex.

Feb. 25
Okay, this is funny. Not funny haha, more funny it’s-sad-that-I’m-bothering-to-mention-it. I originally added updates to the main page with a day.month.year format (European style, I guess). It makes sense in terms of the smaller unit of time to the larger. I had to switch to the more American standard month.day.year because “I just can’t get used to it and I’m only confusing myself and I suck.”

Feb. 26
The Crocus Saga – I saw this crocus growing in the middle of winter. I laughed. I got hammered by snow and ice. I laughed harder. It survived. I wasn’t laughing anymore. I put up six parts between Feb. 26 and early March.

And another blurb…
Fo’ rizzle
Check out Gizoogle and enter a Web site for a little translation of how the site would read if typed by a 14-year-old white suburban kid with an iPod loaded with Snoop Dogg. Here’s what it says about Pizzonch: “His hizzy is perfect, he’s gots a kickin ride n he’s mobbin’
a .38 Special.” On www.whitehouse.gov, we read, “President B-to-tha-izzush on Wednesday said, “You is carry’n out challeng’n duties wit S-K-to-tha-izzill n honor in tha hood. And today I bring you a message frizzom bizzle home. Boo-Yaa!: The American thugz is grateful ta you. Yo communizzles is proud of you gangsta style. And as you defend tha cause of freedom, America stands wit you.” True dat. And from bible.org, “By tha seventh day God finished tha work tizzy he had been blunt-rollin’ n he ceazed on tha seventh day all tha work that he had been do’n.”

Feb. 28
War on the Floor – This is how it all began. G.I. Joe versus Transformers. Part 1. I never imagined I’d be doing one of these a year.
Earlier in the month, I posted another blurb:
Inventor of intermittent windshield wipers dies
Noooooo! Curse you god. Why do you always take the good ones? Why do you test our faith so? (Jokes aside, his story is one of bitterness and frustration.)
*because the link is gone, here’s a snippet from the  story:*
from 2/25/2005
Robert Kearns, inventor of intermittent wipers, dies at 77
DETROIT (AP) — Robert Kearns, the inventor of intermittent windshield wipers, has died of cancer, according to family members. He was 77.

In 1967, Kearns patented the intermittent wipers he invented. He demonstrated the system to Ford Motor Co., which introduced cars with intermittent wipers in 1978. Other automakers soon followed.

Kearns filed a patent infringement lawsuit against Ford and collected $10 million in 1990. Five years later, the U.S. Supreme Court let Kearns collect around $21 million from Chrysler for using his design.

Kearns, who was acting as his own lawyer, was disappointed because the court didn’t bar the company from continuing to use the wipers. He called the decision “a travesty” and left the money uncollected for years. Much of his money went back into other lawsuits against General Motors Corp. and around 20 other automakers.

Maureen Kearns said her father’s home was filled with legal files. After a point, she said, “his life was simply this battle.”

Kearns suffered from Alzheimer’s disease in his final years.