Apocalypse of Doom, part 4: Fortification

Finally, let’s deal with the last two topics of Extreme Survivalism: fortification and the Brave New World.

Let’s say there’s massive, Malthusian-levels of population loss. No government. Complete breakdown of social, technological and moral structures. Dogs forming unholy alliances with cats and possibly racoons. I think the ideal situation is a house in or around a wilderness area populated by deer. That’s a solid fort. You can hold out there. Or maybe you’re stuck in an urban or suburban area, and you’ve got to hunker down in your pad with your buddies Smith and Wesson. Very, very doable. Let’s talk fortifying your fort.

2x 55 gal. drums. One for water and a second for storing the blood of your enemies. Blood rituals will be at a premium during the End Times.
1x Water Preserver Concentrate. Add this to a 55 gal. drum. The water will keep for five years. For the blood? Don’t worry. There’ll be plenty of that.
1x bolt cutter. Sometimes a crowbar isn’t enough. Like when you have to enter an abandoned high security government installation. Or a post-judgement-day Disney World. (I call Tea Cups!)
4x various pulleys. I totally forgot about this. Pulleys will be essential in reconstructing your new fiefdom. Get at least one heavy duty 2,000 lb. test pulley.
4x big shovels. Your new fiefdom will have serfs. They’ll need shovels.
5x Crates of toothpaste, toilet paper and tampons. Yay, fort!
Then double whatever is on your main list. Stockpile, baby. Or have your serfs do it for you. Warning: Do not arm your serfs.

Brave New World
Now that your armed camp has grown to a fiefdom and your ranks are swelling, it’s time to lay down the law. Be tough but fair. Wedding night bed rights for the king? You betcha, Braveheart. After all, it was your savvy planning that ensured the survival of your clan. Your genes are valuable, dammit! Increase the chance that your super awesome genetic material passes on.

You know what? Enough with the solar powered AAs. Let’s get a serf to peddle a Gilligan’s Island bicycle to power your GameBoy. In the meantime, get a team of lackeys to engineer a plumbing system again. The fiefdom is starting to frickin reek of sour poo.

Gather your trusted companions carefully and grant them positions of power no matter how incompetent they may be. It’s finally time to arm the serfs. Begin by conquering small neighboring camps. Establish trading outposts with farther fiefs. Train your men in horsemanship and have your bowyers construct recurve bows. Use these skills to strike out across the land and establish a mighty kingdom.

Over the next several centuries, your lineage should imperialize the rest of the continent. Your economic system should be based on greed and colossal fraud. Hold tight, friend. You should be fine until the next Gotterdammerung.

Okay, that should do ‘er. I sure hope I’ll survive long enough for the 5th anniversary of Maximum Awesome. If things go to hell, I’ll carve out an article on a granite block. Can a brother get a linkback to his stone tablet?

Back to the beginning.


    1. Warning: Do not arm your serfs.

    2. will your serfs get health insurance?

    3. joel,
      my dear man, you’ll never be a post-apocalyptic warlord with that thinking.

    4. Well no one can beat you in writing posts. I really love your posts every time.

    5. Hi there,
      Super post, Need to mark it on Digg



    1. […] 1: Making a list Part 2: Frank responds Part 3: Looting Part 4: Fortification and the Brave New World Discuss in the forum.Share and […]

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