American Idol Results: 5 Become 4

Last night, the Idols celebrated “The Rat Pack” by singing songs that had a vague connection to the mid-60′s group of friends and performers in that they were songs those performers might have heard at some point, in passing. Apparently, the Rat Packers were an exclusive little clique, although if they let Norman Fell in, they can’t have been too discriminating. This is American Idol. When are you gonna learn, Edie? You’re in this world, you know. You’re not out of the world.

Hello to the judges, who want to point out that the contestants are in it to win it. This year more than ever. Really. Katherine McPhee? She didn’t give a fuck in Season 5. The two Davids last year? Whatever. This is the group that cares.

Tonight, Paula came dressed as one of the Andrews Sisters. Her breasts are dressed as the other two. Or, it seems, undressed. Randy is wearing the wallpaper from inside Jeannie’s bottle. And Simon broke out his best Hanes v-neck. (I try not to notice Kara. She makes me nervous.)

Ford Ad. To the tune of “Energy” by the Apples in Stereo. Never heard it, never heard of them. The Idols, in black and white, are dressed in black. They’re running in super-slow motion across the desert location of Janet Jackson’s “Love Will Never Do (Without You)” video, except there’s no Antonio Sabato Jr. to hug up on them. Their loss. A blue Ford vehicle drives across the sand. If it’s chasing them, it’s game over, because these bitches are moving slow. Like Steve Austin slow. Oh, it’s driving towards them. It looks to be a head on collision, but then the car drives around the Idols, its magical exhaust fumes turning their dark clothes into a rainbow of colors and the desert into a lush, green LSD-induced hallucination. The lesson here: if you’re going to take mind-altering drugs, drive Ford!

Group Sing. They’re live tonight. No dancing means no lip syncing, so hopefully, this will be awful. In keeping with the “classics” theme, the Idols are singing “It Don’t Mean a Thing (If It Ain’t Got That Swing)” and “I Got Rhythm.” Allison starts, walking past the boys on the stairs with her old, cigarette-lady voice. If Matt stays on this show much longer, he’s going to start pulling his hat down over his entire upper body. Gokey has shifty eyes. Never trust somebody with shifty eyes. Especially when they’re a douche. Kris is adorable and every home should have one. Just in the corner, as a conversation piece when company comes over. “Oh, that? That’s my Kris. I got him on sale at Best Buy. Wave at the people, Kris. See? Isn’t he precious?” In ten years, Adam is going to be very fat. Jeez, “It Don’t Mean a Thing” is one hell of an annoying song. All those “Do-wa, do-wa, do-wa, do-was.” It’s no wonder prohibition ended. Stupid song probably drove everyone to drink. Unfortunately, they don’t sound bad, although they sing so fast, it’s like a MacGruber sketch. I hope they finish before the bomb goes off.

Filler Reel. Both Danny and Allison had birthdays this week. He turned 29 and she turned 40. To celebrate, the gang attempted to make a cake in the kitchen of Idol Manor. In footage that is completely spontaneous and in no way rehearsed, Matt gets some flour on Gokey, Gokey tosses flour on Matt, and the next thing you know, all five Idols are throwing eggs and other foodstuffs at one another. Kris and Allison spread batter on a camera lens. Allison and Gokey shove cake into each others faces. Plates fall to the floor. Smash! There goes the good china. The Idols can’t have nice things. In the end, Gokey is covered in so much chocolate, he looks like a scat video.

On stage, Seacrest issues Gokey the cleaning bill. Best Bets Maid Service, LLC has charged a whopping $6000 to clean the kitchen. And that doesn’t include the camera lens. I hate to break it to the producers, but you can get a mop, a roll of Bounty, and a thing of Fantastik for, like, $15. Less if you go generic. But that’s Hollywood.

Eliminations begin…

Matt Giraud sang “My Funny Valentine,” and there was nothing funny about it. The song stanks. His performance was sketchy. Matt is told to stand on the left side of the stage. Ah, it’s that time of year.

Danny Gokey sang “Come Rain Or Shine,” which I’ve already blocked from my memory. Kara liked his swagger. Danny tries to explain why he sang the song the way he did, but I’m in no mood for his double-talk. He’s told to stand on the right side of the stage.

Allison Iraheta sang “Someone to Watch Over Me,” which Randy and Kara loved. The term “gut-wrenching” was used. I prefer “mind-numbing.” Simon said she’d be in trouble tonight. Allison is sent to the right, next to Danny.

Kris Allen sang “The Way You Look Tonight” all croon-y. The judges swooned. I got the vapors. Kris is sent to the left, next to Matt.

Adam Lambert sang “Feeling Good” and the judges loved him, like always. I didn’t mind him, like lately. Paula compared him to Michael Phelps because he can hold his breath and not swallow. Seacrest puts Adam in the Annual Awkward Position of Choosing a Side. I hope Adam doesn’t pull a David Cook and sit on the ground. I’d have much more respect for him if he sold out two of his friends.

And he does. Adam stands next to Allison and Gokey, considering them the safe set. He’s right about them, but wrong about himself. They’re safe, and he’s in the Bottom Three, along with Matt and Kris. I know, right?

Now before all you conspiracy theorists start shouting from the rooftops about how the fix is on, I just wanna say that I think that this is a legitimate circumstance. I don’t think the producers need to scare up votes for Adam. It’s possible that they don’t want to come over as playing favorites, so they faux-sabotaged him with this placement–but it’s much more likely that his fans just got complacent. Clearly, he’s the favorite, so clearly, they don’t need to vote. That sort of thing. Matt in the Bottom Three? Totally makes sense. Kris in the Bottom Three? I don’t understand.

Filler Song: the First. Natalie Cole comes on to sing some retro song that isn’t a duet with her dead father. She looks just like she did in 1987. Remember “Pink Cadillac”? “Crushed velvet seats, ridin’ in the back, oozing down the streets”? Is it stuck in your head right now? My job is done.

Idol Alumnus. Taylor Hicks, the former bane of my Idol-recapping existence, is back to sing some awful song of his. And if you think I’m gonna deal with this guitar-strumming, spastic, Frankenstein-nimrod, you are on the happy sauce.

Eliminations continue…

Kris Allen is sent to safety. Because he is awesome.

Filler Song: the Second. Jamie fucking Foxx is on stage singing whatever the hell his “hit” single is. He’s all vocoderized and electronicized, saying random words while the back-up guys cover his ass. You know, I didn’t used to understand the phrase “jack of all trades, master of none,” but now? I’m looking at it.

Elimination time…

After 47 million votes, Adam Lambert is safe. Matt Giraud is going home. He’ll be remembered forever as the first contestant to receive the Judge’s Save, and for his half-assed attempt to bring back the Member’s Only jacket.

Next week, the four remaining Idols sing “Rock-n-Roll.” What? No Broadway this year? This show sucks.

Ahem…
-Frank

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