American Idol Results: 11 Become 10

Last night was Country Night, and unless the show decides that opera, polka, or Muzak are suitable themes, we’ve managed to survive the worst genre night of the season. Well, we’ve mostly survived. Because one of these assholes is going home. The remaining 10 get to go on tour this summer. You decide which is the worse fate. This is American Idol. Dust? Anybody? No? High in fat, low in fat? Dust? Anybody? No?

As always, the Top 11 are seated on the left side of the stage in two rows. There’s Gokey looking cocky. Anoop looking like he just came from a sale at Old Navy.  Matt looking at some mysterious off-stage thing. Scott looking at nothing much, I guess. The others aren’t popping.

Group Sing. “Trouble.” It’s a country song of some kind, the opening notes of which sound like the beginning of the Beatles’ “Revolution.” This ain’t the Beatles. It’s a lot of fast-singing and spelling-out of the title word. Scott is sitting at the piano, so as not to have the others play seeing-eye Idol. Everyone else moves about. Adam is almost dressed as a boy tonight. A very confused boy, but still a boy. The choreography, which mostly consists of soft arm gestures, is clunky. And the vocals sound a little too perfect. Shit. Is this a track? This is totally a fucking track. Yeah, now that I look closely, I can see some people’s lips are doing different things than what we’re hearing. Wow. Just when you think this show can’t get any more artificial, the producers step right up.

Ford Ad. “Here it Goes Again” by OK Go. Kris and Allison, driving a filthy Ford vehicle, pull up in front of a small, brownstone-type apartment building. They and their dirty car are immediately pelted with water balloons by other Idols, from doorways and fire escapes and what have you. Could be worse. Could be feces. They did that last season on Monkey Idol, the night Cornelius got sent home. Kris and Allison have a whole stash of water balloons in their back seat, as one often does. A wet battle ensues, resulting in the car being sparkling clean. The lyric, “but Jesus when it rains how it pours” has been changed to “but oh! when it rains how it pours.” On American Idol, Jesus is only allowed to take the wheel.

Filler. After Jorge and Jasmine got booted, everybody went out to eat. That vital piece of information has so overwhelmed me, I might have to stay home from work tomorrow.

Idol Questions. Did Alexis think saying goodbye to losing Idols would be this emotional? Yes, she did. Hey Michael, how is it being away from the family and the kids? “Last week my daughter asked me a question: Why don’t you want to be with me anymore?” The audience, the nation, the universe, gasps aloud. Seacrest stands with mouth agape. Alexis Grace’s daughter is like, “Tell me about it.” Megan, are you still sick? She’s feeling better, but the cast and crew wore cootie masks all day long.

Results ensue. Seacrest is pulling out the Bottom 3.

Danny Gokey sang about joyriding Jesus. He’s safe.

Lil Rounds had the audacity not to sing a Whitney cover of a Dolly song. But she’s safe.

Anoop Desai dropped the party tune gimmick and sang some Wille Nelson. He’s safe!

Allison Iraheta and Michael Sarver stand together.

Allison powerfully sang some song I never heard before. Michael sang quickly and with marbles in his mouth.

Allison is in the Bottom 3. Michael is also in the Bottom 3. Ha!

Filler Performance. Brad Paisley sings some country ballad. He might be cute. Hard to tell with the hat. I like his big ears. The song is ass.

Results resume…

Scott McIntyre sang Martina McBride while “hiding” behind his piano. Here’s a concept: how can he hide behind a piano when he can’t see the frickin’ audience, regardless? Suck on that, Paula. Scott is safe.

Megan Joy went walkin’ after midnight while spewing phlegm across the stage. She’s safe!

Matt Giraud was enjoyable, singing whatever the hell he sang. He’s safe.

Kris Allen sang a ballad and made me forget all about Joe Jonas–for now. He’s safe.

Alexis Grace and Adam Lambert stand together.

Alexis kicked a Dolly song in the balls, like it stole her grandma’s purse. Adam covered the memory of Johnny Cash in body glitter, dressed it in fishnets, then raped it in the face.

Adam is safe. Damn. Alexis is in the Bottom 3. Yay!

Seacrest, feeling the kindness the producers have scripted for him, sends Allison Iraheta back to safety, leaving Alexis and Michael Sarver as our Bottom 2.

Filler Performance: the Sequel. Carrie Underwood was on this show a few years ago, was boring, but won, anyway, and now she’s all kinds of country-famous. Randy Travis was last night’s mentor, even though none of the Idols cared to sing even a note of any of his songs. Now Underwood, dressed like Carrie Bradshaw gone retarded, and Travis, still looking like Reed Richards, sing some shit song. I proceed to engage my fast-forward button.

Results resume again…

Hey, Simon, would you consider using the Judges’ Save to keep Alexis or Michael in the competition, even though neither Alexis or Michael are named Danny Gokey or Adam Lambert? Yes, Simon says, the Save is being considered for one of the two. Really, Simon?

The votes are in.

Michael is safe. Alexis is out.

But…

Alexis is going to sing her song again, Dolly Parton’s “Jolene.” While she does so, the judges are going to deliberate her fate. “You were the one we were thinking about saving,” Simon explains. “It’s all going to come down to this performance.” Or, in the words of RuPaul, “Lip sync for your life!

So Alexis sings like a desperate, crazy person. She doesn’t perform to the cameras or to the audience. She performs to the judges, who are whispering things like, “Hey, Paula, just nod your head. Hey, Kara, why don’t you frown, then smile quickly, to create drama? Randy, look deep in thought so the viewers believe we’re actually having this conversation (and that you have the capacity to think).” Alexis is on the verge of madness. This performance is a hot mess of noise.

Was it good enough?

Simon: “It was good. But it wasn’t good enough. Sorry.” Tee-hee!

Alexis is out. Now her kid can eat. If Alexis can remember where she left it. Maybe under the bed…?

Next week: Presidential gabbing bumps the Motown show to Wednesday, with results on Thursday. It’s not quite a day off, but I’ll take it.

Ungawa!
-Frank

Back to the season guide.

    Comments

    1. “The lyric, “but Jesus when it rains how it pours” has been changed to “but oh! when it rains how it pours.” On American Idol, Jesus is only allowed to take the wheel.”

      Damn, Frank,you catch all kinds of shit.

      “Adam covered the memory of Johnny Cash in body glitter, dressed it in fishnets, then raped it in the face.” One of the best lines in all your reviews this season.

      And the judges “deliberating”? All I could think of was the high school plays I was in. Where they tell you to stand are “pretend talk and react”.. I mean, that was ridiculous in and of itself. But Alexis’ sing-pleading was uncomfortable to watch on top of that. She got too close to the judges table and they were like , “We’re trying to pretend talk here, bitch.”

      I mean, honestly, what MIRACULOUS thing will they hear during a rendition of a song that got someone voted OFF to begin with? The judges believe in the singer OUTSIDE OF the possibly bad performance, right?

      It’s like, now you get dumped TWICE on this show.

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