American Idol Results: 3 Become 2

Why in the name of Victor Von Doom is Ben Stiller on my TV? Worse, why is he talking to me? I know I’m not on medication and I gave up crack after that unfortunate Disney World incident. (The Pirates of the Caribbean are robots. Don’t try to have sex with them. It hurts.) Is this really happening? Where’s my show? Holy armpits, he’s doing some kind of promotional skit to push that museum movie on us. Now there’s a Saturday Night Live guy talking to me. And the fat kid from Superbad. And Agador Spartacus. I feel like Jodie Foster in The Accused. No means no! This is American Idol. Armand, why won’t you let me be in the show? Are you afraid of my Guatemalan-ness?

Seacrest says that over 88 million votes came in, and that the Top 2 are separated by just over 1 million votes. Pretty tight. I didn’t vote this year, because when I do, it’s the whammy of doom.

Ford Ad. To the tune of “Break My Stride.” The Idol Boys are wandering the streets when they are confronted by three rabid dogs. The dogs are the only thing standing between the Idols and their precious Ford vehicle. Adam touches a wall and then he turns into a cartoon. This is like a-ha’s “Take On Me” video, if the animated bits were drawn by a blind child with three fingers on each hand. And Tourette’s, because I like the idea of the kid shouting obscenities while creating his art. “Cocks! Assblasters!” See how charming that is? Anyway, the wall spins around and there’s an oven attached to it, with a steak grilling atop the oven. Toon Adam throws the animated steak away and the dogs chase it. Human again, the boys reach their car. The sky turns dark and stormy. So Kris ‘toons out and uses super-breath to blow the clouds away (somehow becoming the Blob in the process). Then Gokey gets stretchy powers and uses his elastic arms to clear away traffic. He also uses his powers to kiss his own ass, but they don’t show that part.

Group Sing. What?! There’s no Group Sing tonight? This show sucks hairy gorilla ass.

Idol Gives Back. Alicia Keys comes out in such a hurry, apparently, that she forgot to wear a bra. Hello, Alicia Keys! Hello, Alicia Keys’ nipples! She’s here to remind us that while Idol is not Giving Back this year, there are still children who need food and there is still time that needs killing. Some little African boy has been brought to America in a desperate attempt to save him from the clutches of Madonna. Now he’s singing a song on the Idol stage to raise money for AIDS kids or something. Malaria nets. I dunno. Where’s my fucking Group Sing? He’s a weird little boy. Looks like a CGI creation of some kind. Maybe this is a teaser for the new Chucky movie.

Hometown Visit: Danny Gokey. He returns to Milwaukee, where he’s reunited with his pal Jamar. Remember Jamar from auditions? Hollywood? Semi-finals? No? It’s okay. Police escorts. News reporters. One especially frantic newswoman who seems to think that Danny is about to produce a cure for cancer, a side effect of which causes diamonds to fall from the sky. Screaming hordes of stupidity. I would hate for the aliens to land at the site of one of these visits. The shame of it all. Some blubbering girl thanks Danny for some unknown thing. Some actress hired by the show, playing the role of Crazed Hippie Fan, runs after Danny’s limo and is left in the dust. A little girl explains the wonder of Danny: “He’s cute, he wears glasses, and he lives in Milwaukee.” Let’s hope she becomes more discriminating in her later years. Mobs of people. Danny and Jamar, girlfriends 4ever, riding in a convertible. Danny crying without tears. He sings at some public venue and there are people stretching out to the horizon. Really? For Danny Gokey? I always thought it was queer when baseball players got parades and people skipped work to go. But this is a new level of what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-humanity? They make those dumb hand-hearts like Gokey does. Do not make me amputate a bunch of bitches.

Seacrest tells Danny to go sit over there.

Hometown Visit: Kris Allen. He returns to Arkansas. More reporters. A ridiculous amount of screaming children. Maybe they like Kris because he’s close to their height. Kris, hosting a radio call-in contest and telling the wrong person they won. A sea of people. A fucking ocean. It’s like Live-Aid. Girls grabbing at his little jacket and shirt, but nothing comes off. Damn you, unstable molecules! Kris is reunited with his family, and it’s a lovely moment, even though his father won’t kiss him. They hug for three years. Performing “Falling Slowly” for his fans at a small venue. Riding in a parade with his female. Performing for a massive amount of people; a frightening number, faces as far as the eye can see. His mother crying. His whole family crying. So much awwww….

Seacrest tells Kris to go sit over there.

Idol Alumnus. Jordin Sparks, looking like she’s aged eight years in the last three, but fabulous nevertheless, singing her new single or whatever it is. Does she even record music out in the world? I lost touch with her after graduation. It’s a mid-tempo R&B thing. Something about love being a battlefield, but there are no prostitutes dancing in unison, so I lose interest and fast-forward.

Hometown Visit: Adam Lambert. He returns to San Diego, from whence he came. Visiting the morning news. Doing the weather lady’s makeup. Showing off his butt-ugly alligator-skin boots. Signing autographs. Speaking on the radio. Signing clothing and flesh. Then he visits his childhood theater group, where about 50 little kids are thrilled to see him. He basically tells the wee folk to keep practicing and never give up. For someone who’s so flamboyant on stage, he’s surprisingly low-key. Some might use the word “chill.” I come to the conclusion that I would totally hang out with Adam. As long as we never attended a karaoke bar, we’d get along fine. Back to his high school. Riding in a convertible with his mom. Greeting cheerleaders. Not a huge crowd, as compared to the other two boys. The Mayor of San Diego proclaiming it “Adam Lambert Day.” Two pre-tween girls shouting “Adam signed my shoe!!” Holding up said footwear. There’s only the one shoe between them. Maybe they’ll keep it on alternate weeks. Adam going to the Marine Corps Air Station, which is twelve different kinds of hilarious. If they ask, he will tell. Singing the National Anthem. In front of a giant American flag. I feel like I’m watching an episode of Sliders. “Can Quinn and Arturo survive on an Earth gone gay?! Don’t miss ‘Homo is Where the Heart Is,” Friday, on FOX!”

Seacrest tells Adam to go sit over there.

Filler Song. Katy Perry arrives on the scene, and I’m hoping she sings “Hot N Cold,” which I truly love, but instead she sings something called “Waking Up In Vegas,” and I’m annoyed from the get-go because she’s dressed like the lovechild of Elvis and Electra Woman. Also? She has Adam Lambert’s name stitched across her cape. There are showgirls parading around behind Katy. I wonder if they love Doggie Chow. Why are all of her songs so damn catchy? Don’t get me wrong, live, she sounds like poop. But there’s a neat little pop tune in that poop. Hmm…

Results…

Seacrest can now reveal that the first person competing in next week’s finale is…KRIS ALLEN!!!! I’m not even joking you! He’s in! This is huge. Wow.

Who competes against Kris? Danny or Adam. Danny has never been in the Bottom 3. Adam has been. Everyone, including me, thought these two would be the Final 2. So…now what?

The person competing against Kris in the finale is…Adam Lambert. Gokey is out! OUT!! Pandemonium in my house. The words “Suck it!” are directed at Gokey via my TV set. I distinctly recall unleashing an “In your FACE!!” while my partner in crime flipped him the double-bird. We’re two great hates that taste great together. Danny puts on his best po-po-pokerface, but you know he must be pissed as hell. And that’s a glorious thing. Kara, at least twice that I can see, shakes her head in befuddlement and says, “Oh…my…God…” Randy is like, “Holy shit, for reals?” Paula and Simon are grinning like proud parents, because they not-so-secretly love Adam and want him to win. And win, he will. Let’s not kid each other here.

Gokey gets his flashback reel. And I’ll pass on that, thank you very much. Once around was enough for me. Then he re-sings one of last night’s songs. I don’t even know which one. I am over the Goke.

Simon has the last word. He explains that nobody really expected this Final Two to be the Final Two, “This could be a big ding-dong coming up next week.”

Ding-dong indeed!
-Frank

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