Last night, the ten remaining contestants (mostly) snoozed and/or screeched their way through a series of R&B/soul hits — after being mentored by the “artist” known as Usher, who was hired because Sisqó was too busy. Tonight, another lukewarm body goes home to fade into delicious obscurity. This is American Idol. “Jimmy want a rib! Jimmy want a steak! Jimmy want a piece of yo chocolate cake!”
This episode launches with the show trying to convince us there’s a correlation between itself and the Clash of the Titans remake. “What are things that shouldn’t exist, Alex?” Ding-ding! Seriously, though, I’m kinda psyched about this movie, mostly because I’m not in love with the original recipe, anyway, and this one has a big Cloverfield in it. But I’m not doing 3-D. That particular fad can shove a bowling ball up it’s multi-dimensional arse.
Ruben Studdard, who won Season Two of this program (over Clay Aiken, which is a pretty good indicator — lovers of Crystal Bowersox — of how it usually works). He’s less fat than before, on account of being a vegan now, but still big enough that Seacrest is all, “Hey, we have a big, black guy this season! Let’s put them side-by-side, because, wow, viewers, don’t they look exactly alike?! You can’t tell one from the other!” Ryan Seacrest: class by the gallon. Also, Ruben sings something and continues to sweat like he’s standing on the lip of a volcano.
Ford Ad. “Kung Fu Fighting.” We’ve seen them vandalize cars with paint and dump plastic balls in a public water fountain. Tonight the Idols add to their list of crimes by dressing in kung fu garb and attempting to physically assault Casey Jones-James. As a group, they keep trying to kill him, but he avoids injury by stooping to pick up a quarter, entering a grocery store, and then flat-out driving away. Be here next week, when the Idols chase Katie Stevens through the woods with chainsaws.
Q&A Time. Crystal, when was the first time you played the piano? “Are you writing my fucking biography, Seacrest?” Andrew, the judges want more of your story, so what do you think about that? “I have never been in a gang. This neck tattoo is a birthmark.” Then, randomly, the cast of Clash of the Titans appear on tape, from London, to let the Idols know they wish they (the Idols) could be there. I wish they were there, too. Anywhere but on my frickin’ TV.
Dweezil sang “Treat Her Like a Lady” and it were good. He’s safe.
Casey Jones-James sang “Hold On I’m A-Coming” and Kara acted like she didn’t want to hold him while he was a-coming. He’s safe.
Aaron Kelly sang “Ain’t No Sunshine” while absolutely continuing to be sixteen years old. Ryan really wants to know if Aaron has ever been in love, and if not, how can he sing about being in love, because Ryan has never, himself, been in love, unless you count those times in the sauna at the West Hollywood Fitness Club, but that was really more like speed-dating, so would Aaron please be his Valentine in, say, two years? Aaron is safe.
Siobhan Magnus and Katie Stevens remain.
Siobhan sang “Through the Fire” while seemingly attempting to overcome a horrible urinary tract infection. Katie was on the show last night, I’m pretty sure. Siobhan is safe. Katie is in the Bottom 3, again, because — wake up, white people — she’s awful!
Justin Bieber is in the audience and would like to say hello and provide comic relief by telling us that “Usher shaped who I am as an artist.” Hee x 2 = that sentence! Does anybody else think Justin looks like he’s wearing a Hilary Swank mask? He and Ryan are the same size, so watching them together is like seeing the best split-screen effect in all of television history.
Usher shows up to perform a “song” of his. The title is “OMG,” and I can’t really add any more to that without being redundant. I mean, if I point at a rock and say, “that’s a rock,” there’s no need to elaborate. The song title speaks for itself and its composer. I will add, however, that Usher is dressed like Catherine Zeta-Jones at the beginning of Chicago. Bitch is getting his Fosse on.
Didi Benami sang “What Becomes of the Broken Hearted” and the judges farted in her general direction. She’s in the Bottom 3.
Big Mike sang “Ready for Love” without once mentioning his newborn baby. Plus, it was a song without the word “woman” in the title! His unique efforts earn him safety. So he literally picks Seacrest up and tosses him around like a ragdoll. That really happened.
Crystal Bowersox sang “Midnight Train to Georgia,” played piano, and reminded everyone of what this show used to be like. She’s safe.
Tim Urban and Andrew Garcia remain.
Tim sang “Sweet Love” in a semi-kinda-okay way, but the judges were critical of the fact that he smiles so much. Kara is like, “I think Tim is mildly retarded.” Then Tim goes, “I’m on fucking American Idol. You want I should cry? You’re retarded!” Then he sucks on his thumb for twenty minutes. Andrew sang “Forever.” He did? I don’t remember. But it was the first time since “Straight Up” that he hasn’t been a vocal abomination. Andrew is safe. Tim is in the Bottom 3, for, like, the third time.
So our Bottom 3 are: Didi Benami, Katie Stevens, and Tim Urban. Katie, whose deal with the devil goes back several millenia, is immediately sent to safety, her cheeks red with the blood of her enemies. Two Idols stand. One will go home.
Sean Combs/P. Diddy is apparently calling himself “Diddy Dirty Money” now. There’s a place for that shit, America. It’s called Tool Academy. I bid you good-day, sir.
Easy-peasy, Tim is safe. Didi is going home. Or rather, singing for her life, which she does (“Rhiannon”) until my DVR cuts the show off. I think it’s safe to assume she got cut, because the judges have done everything but throw their shoes at her. No way she’d get the J-Save. That’s for Crystal or maybe Big Mike.
Next week, Lennon/McCartney songs. Yay!
But sung by the Idols.