The Punk Parent vs. Jackson Boyle
We start off today with a new guest judge, alcoholic poet (who insists on the lower case because she has an e.e. cummings fetish). Her opening barb? "There's no denying they both suck. If these blogs were written in crack they still wouldn't be addictive." Hmm, good start.
The Punk Parent
Adam: According to Punk Parent's March 7, 2006 post, the "Vault of Punk Horror" charity anthology is accepting submissions: "If you have a horror tale that involves punks or a punk rock setting please drop us a line." It just so happens that I have such a tale...
The acrid fumes of a freshly smoked bowl filled the air as I cautiously crept toward the computer. As usual, I chose to eschew traditional means of stoner entertainment in favor of a more stimulating endeavor. I was going to surf Blogger in search of a kick ass blog. After a few clicks of the "next blog" button I was stopped dead in my tracks by a sight so ghastly I could barely stand to look. It was a blog entitled "The Punk Parent." I trembled in fear as the most overused stock Blogger template of all time menacingly glared at me. "Don't go in there," shouted the movie audience in my head, but I pressed on. My mouse creaked ominously as I scanned the page. Out of nowhere, it struck. Monster of all monsters, demon of all demons...the dreaded Google ads. What kind of sinister villain would put Google ads at the top of the page? Have you no mercy in your cold black heart? Do you really want me to click that link about alien cow abduction before I even read one post?
Dave: Yeah, dude, the Google ads are soooooo not punk. Neither are the Netflix ads. Or the Amazon ads. Or the...okay, let's be serious for a moment. Though I'm sure the tantalizing thought of hundreds of pennies in annual blog income is quite fetching, there are homeless dudes raking in more cash by recycling cans. Homeless dudes. Homeless dudes are out-earning your blog.
alcoholic poet: This guy is many things, but punk is not one of them. Anyone who pardons their language for using the term bitch-slap after having written in the paragraph prior, "Ashton seems to be doing really well with his weaning. He is only drinking from mommy once a day and he really seems to like going to bed in his crib with a bottle. Yeah!" is more likely someone punks would use as a spittoon. Look pal, if you were really a punk your son's name would be Justin Sane, and the term 'bitch slap' would refer to the sound your balls make as they smack against your wife's ass.
Evil Minx: Punk? This guy is a geek, through and through. A zine fest? Oy vey. Horror sites? Yikes.
Dave: Aw, I thought the zine thing was cool. Zines are the only punk thing he's got on there. I even went to the site of the zine he plugged, Japanese Super Ninja Robot Warriors, or whatever it was called.
Malfouka: Gabriel is about as punk as Starbucks.
Dave: Ouch.
Malfouka: What exactly does an ersatz punk parent write about? Well, strangely enough, horror literature and side projects involving horror literature--endlessly and redundantly so. I have the niggling feeling that Gabriel has one master post that he continually recycles without a care for blatant misuse of technology and wasted electricity. Even his movie "reviews" read as if they were written Mad-Lib style. I must say, however, I do enjoy Gabriel’s earnestness. He comes across as likeable and dogged. It’s just too bad he really doesn’t have much to say.
Dave: That's the first use of the word 'ersatz' on either Blog Thunderdome or MaximumAwesome.com, in case you were keeping score at home.
Jackson Boyle
Adam: If the Punk Parent's blog is a horror story, Jackson Boyle is a video of your firstborn being smothered to death with a pillow.
Dave: Now that is the first use of smothered-child imagery on this site. Lot of firsts today.
Adam: We all know Internet Explorer sucks, but viewing Jackson Boyle's blog in Firefox resulted in variety of errors. The posts are organized in a two column layout similar to your local newspaper's classified ads, except the only things for sale here are crappy blog posts. From time to time Jackson posts videos and photos that he refers to as "vidz" and "photies." Vidz? There is nothing lamer than using the letter "z" where there would normally be an "s." I hate that zhit! And photies? A photie is a large bottle of malt liquor. A photo is a picture.
alcoholic poet: Jackson's blog is a jack-of-all-trades, master of none kinda site. He's got a little bit of everything: photos, reviews, recipes, ring tones and roms just to name a few. A lot of his stuff is just filler. News bullshit and oddball vid clips. That's fine, except I can find that everywhere.
Dave: Jackson is trying to cram the entire Interweb on his blog. No fair, kemosabe. Save some for the rest of us.
Evil Minx: I looked at this blog, hated it, and was prepared to say exactly that. Then I thought that maybe I was being a smidge unfair, so I delved deeper. From the "About" section, "I drink too much, I smoke too much, I don't have enough sex because my girlfriend works too much, and I view the presence of other people as an obstacle to my happiness." A misanthropic malcontent. Perhaps 'hate' was to strong.
Malfouka: Also in the "About" section, “I made this site, like so many other people, to stay in contact with my friends. Then I ran out of news, and branched out, having become addicted to putting needless crap onto the internoot." Whatever happened to writing letters and telephoning to stay in touch? Why add another bit of clutter to the already overburdened internet? I’m sure Jackson’s friends would much rather he called them than to be forced--by the duty of friendship--to read through this crap. If nothing else, please Jackson, please consider your friends.
The photos...Although much of the subject matter he photographs is very funny, his ineptitude with a camera is painful to behold. The ability to both frame a picture AND get it into focus is very taxing. We'll wait. It's not as if there's a whole Internet to surf...
Verdict
Just the fact that Jackson was able to install all those WordPress add-ons...Jesus, that's gotta be worth a bonus point or two. Honestly, you can't imagine how loudly I laugh when my email fills up with comments from the judges like, "they both suck, but so-and-so is the less sucky." This episode, that honor goes to Jackson Boyle. On this, the 28th day of March, 2006, Punk Parent is banned for one month. He can shave a week off his bannination if he takes down every single one of those pay-per-click ads. Also, if Jackson Boyle doesn't make a recipe for a Blog Thunderdome sandwich in his voluminous recipes section, we might change our minds. Graphics for the winner and loser.
The Holy Order of Thunderdome hath spoken.
