The 2006 MA Awards, part 4

Last and certainly least...

by Dave McAwesome

A whole week of awards? Hahaha, who's paying for this website's bandwidth? The joke's on him! A whole week of awards, my eye.

The joke is on me. I just paid my hosting bill for 2007, and that means these nuggets of wisdom have at least a year to live. That's a lot of pressure, man. Tight, skull-pounding pressure. This li'l concept certainly doesn't need a part 4. Ya do things in threes. That's the rule. There's a reason it's not Goldilocks and the Four Bears, and that reason is the fourth bear was retarded and that didn't sit well with advocacy groups for the mentally disabled. Aliens 4 sucked. The fourth Star Wars movie, Phantom Menace, sucked. The fourth season of The Simpsons...was actually pretty good, so I can't use that as an example. But golfers play in foursomes, and golf sucks. So there you go.

Golden Iron Irony Trophy: Staples. I was in the office supply superstore the other day and the stapler in their copy center was out of staples. That's like Toys R Us running out of toys or McDonald's running out of whatever the hell's in that brown meat-like paddy.

Painfully Obvious Awards Award: "We're such-and-such magazine, and in this year's round-up of self-important awards, we're giving Family Guy the nod for best comedy." Really? Wow. That's nothing I could've learned from any college parking lot. Keep up that award-winning journalism, dude.

The Gene Hackman Always There Award: Lint. You're always there for me, man. Always. Wherever I turn: lint. Just like Gene Hackman. I turn on a movie, and there he is. Ol' reliable. Gene "Hack Attack" Hackman. I'm gonna repay you someday, lint. You deserve it.