Cockta

I ingested another questionable food product

by Dave McAwesome

Here's the thing about toilet humor: It's still funny. I ordered a weird-ass softdrink at an "ethnic" restaurant because of its funny name, and, like any half-conscious moron when presented with a bottle of cola with a bizarre label, I laughed. I am the ugly American.

Tell me you wouldn't laugh at that. Tell me you could restrain the third-grader within--that little, long-neglected urchin dying to bust one more fart joke before you carted him off to adulthood. Bah! You lie! You would do what I did: crack obscene jokes in a loud and stupid manner so that everyone else in the restaurant would turn and "humph" in your direction.

Cockta. The surprising cola with the unusual name. That's what their commercials should say. Hell, maybe they do and I've only missed them. It's Slovenian cola after all. Neither do I speak Slovenian nor comprehend any of their other regional languages, so I would not be able to understand their announcer as he shouts, "Cockta! It's not semen!" I found this poster on a website. "You never forget the first one," it says. I...I'm speechless.

I expected a saltier taste, but was relieved to find it absent. I did, however, have the intense urge to "rinse" afterwards.