Elephants are Evil

Part 2: Time is the enemy! (But mostly it's still elephants who are the enemy.)

by Zach Whalen

It's been awhile since the last time we discussed the secret and sinister world of elephants, and I figure it's about time I wrapped things up with Part Two. If you haven't read Part One yet, for heaven's sake, you need to read it now! For every minute that goes by, the elephants are realizing their sinister plot of world domination!

What do you find when you search the news for stories of elephants? Do you find stories of elephants crushing buses? Do you find stories of elephants polluting the environment? Or do you find pure propaganda pieces about how elephants are saving lives and donating money to the community? The fact of the matter is our media is controlled by the elephants. Want to see the reality of elephant imperialism?

Read this. It is a true story of the carnage and mayhem caused by elephants, and of the brave few who have the courage to defend themselves. This story is one of sheer manliness and cunning in the face of the elephant onslaught will break your heart and at the same time give you hope that they can be defeated. (If the link doesn't work, please see above thesis that elephants control our media.)

"Crop raiding is the most common type of human-elephant conflict, occurring throughout Africa wherever elephants and farmers live near one another. The animals can also disrupt daily life. Children in the Transmara are often too frightened to walk to and from school, or have to leave school early because elephants are in the area. As a result, many children's education has suffered."

No surprise here. Elephants are disrupting our way of life, and trying to make our children stupid.

"Elephants have killed 200 people in Kenya and injured many more over the past seven years, says Dr P.J. Stephenson from WWF's African Elephant Programme. And northern Mozambique -- where elephants destroy up to two-thirds of crops each year -- lions, hyenas, and other predators have learned that a farmer guarding his field at night is easy prey. In one year, there were 52 hyena attacks in one small district, resulting in 28 deaths."

Obviously lions and hyenas are also in with the elephants, just like those damn whales.

Though we may be outnumbered--both in manpower and whalepower--there are those amongst us who will continue to fight. And the elephants grow wary, because we have found their weakness:

"...It seems they have one weak spot -- they don't like spicy food. Chilli was shown to be an effective elephant deterrent in Zimbabwe in 2000. It's either grown around crops that elephants like to eat, used with engine oil to paint fiery rope barriers around fields, or burnt with elephant dung to produce a pungent smoke ...elephants were drinking at a water hole near one village every night and damaging fields on the way in and out. The community set up oiled ropes around the water hole. For three nights the smell of the chilli kept the elephants away, but the next night they broke the ropes and drank. The ropes were repaired but the elephants broke them again later. The village was about to give up ... but the elephants never came back. Twice was enough!"

This just goes to show that if we fight them, they will flee like cowards. There are many other stories just like this that you will not hear on the nightly news, because your news networks are now under elephant control. We must follow the example set by these brave farmers and combat the elephant threat before it is too late and we are consumed by their evil empire. The human race is in danger, and now is the time to choose. Do we fade quietly into the eternal night of slavery or, worse yet, extinction? Or do we stand our ground and send these elephants straight back to where they came from: the deepest recesses of Hell.