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The Herpes Lifestyle

"Living the life I want!"

by Adam Brown

The scenery is breathtaking. Mountains, horses, fields of green, skies of blue and a dude floating down river in a canoe flash across the television screen as a golden voiced hook singer croons a line that is music to my ears. "Living the life I want!" Yeah, that sure sounds good to me. You probably think I'm describing a commercial for some scenic vacation destination, but I'm not. The product being advertised in this powerful commercial is Valtrex, a prescription herpes medication. With this gem of a commercial, Valtrex has succeeded where many other advertisers have not. They've made the thought of having herpes seem downright awesome. The makers of Valtrex would have you believe that while you are wasting your life away in a soul crushing cubicle farm, those lucky enough to have contracted the Big H are out climbing mountains and camping in the lush forests of Oregon. But is it really as great as they make it out to be? Is a life of adventure really worth the sporadic outbreak of pustulating blisters in your nether regions that comes along with it? I decided to investigate.

herpes humor funny
Stupid graphic by Dave McAwesome

In the name of journalistic integrity, my initial plan was to actually contract herpes myself somehow. What better way to gauge the positive effects of this wonder virus than to experience it first hand? Unfortunately, being the type of guy who couldn't get laid in a whore house with 20 grand in my pocket put a halt to that idea. Instead, I decided to head out to "The Clinic," a local dive bar whose patrons are widely considered to be the loosest bunch of crotch chasers in town. After asking around a bit, I was directed to a man who asked to be identified only as "Tank". He agreed to sit down and talk with me about exactly what "living the life I want" means to him.

Adam: Hi, thanks for agreeing to talk with me. If it's alright with you I'd like to skip the pleasantries and get right into the questions.
Tank: Ok, I gue...
Adam: Cool, so what first attracted you to the "herpes lifestyle"?
Tank: What?!?!
Adam: Was it the kayaking? The casual horseback tours of Wyoming accompanied by some girl next door type with blonde hair and cute dimples? The hot air balloon rides perhaps?
Tank: Is this some kind of joke? I caught it from some dame named Rita after a weekend long meth binge. It sucks.
Adam: So you're saying the commercials aren't true?
Tank: Commercials?
Adam: You know, (sings) "Living the life I want!" The Valtrex commercials. They make it all seem so glamourous!
Tank: You're an idiot. I'm outta here.

Clearly, "Tank" wasn't interested in sharing his blister fueled tales of whimsy with me. This didn't come as much of a surprise. In general, such tight knit groups have a hard time accepting outsiders. I'm sure seeing their adventurous ways broadcast to millions of television viewers day after day is a thorn in their side. A disease free outcast such as myself stands little to no chance of breaking down their walls of exclusivity. I can only interpret this desperate act of stonewalling as confirmation that the commercials don't lie. If your life is lacking in the recreation department, do yourself a favor and catch a case of herpes. In no time at all, you'll be "living the life you want" too.

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