Shave That Damn Thing

Let me tell you a thing or two about beards...

by Zach Whalen

Hey you! Yes, you - the one with that goddamn bird's nest hanging off his chin. You make me sick. You think you're some kinda bigshot walking around here with that fancy beard, don't you? Well I've got half a mind to rip that damn thing off with my bare hands, along with your fucking head. Did you think you could just grow a beard like that, boy? Hell NO! You have to earn it!

How old are you, you little shit? You don't look a hair over 30, but you've seen fit to grow yourself the beard of a 60-year-old Alabama wildman. Well let me ask you, who gave you the right? From the frozen tundra of the treacherous artic, to the wild jungles of darkest Africa, to the Nazi-infested beaches of Normandy - your forefathers paid for their beards in sweat and blood! And what have you done to carry on their tradition? You spend half your waking hours hunched over a computer watching goddamn animes and listening to Modest-fucking-Mouse! Jesus Christ, son - you drive a SMART CAR! And you think yourself fit to grow a beard! Don't make me laugh. You ain't even fit to grow pubic hair!

I don't know what got it into your head to grow that thing but let me tell you what to do with it. You shave that damn thing right now or I'm gonna cut it off myself and glue it to your asshole! Don't make me prove it! Now, when you get that filthy beard off your face, I want you to take a long hard look at this picture. Look at the majesty, the strength, and the rugged beauty of this beard:
Now earn it.