The Case of Crabby Patty

by Frank Pittarese

Dear Frank,
I’m a 27-year-old guy, living with my girlfriend. We’ve been together for two years, and only moved in together about eight months ago. Everything was terrific, including our sex life, until a few weeks back, when we invited some friends over for dinner and drinks.

We were all sitting in the living room and talking about our college days, when my buddy Troy, who I dormed with, brought up the time I caught crabs. I was only 20 at the time, and it caused quite a commotion in our room. We all shaved our junk and boiled our sheets. It was crazy, but it was also six years ago.

Everybody was laughing about the story, but my girlfriend “Patricia” immediately went into shock. She went pale, and wanted to know why I never told her about this. I reminded her that it happened long before we ever met. I was just a kid. The whole incident was over within two weeks. Anyway, the evening continued, but I could tell she was in a mood.

Sure enough, our friends left and she tore into me. If I kept this “secret” from her, who knows what else I might be hiding? Who knows what else I might have caught? Who knows what else I might still have? Things escalated in a big way, and we had what I consider our first real fight. Ultimately, she insisted I go to the doctor and get screened for STDs and HIV. I didn’t think that was too unreasonable, so I agreed.

I came back with a clean bill of health, but things haven’t gone back to normal. We hardly ever have sex now, and when we do, she’s different. She’s tense, and I think she’s faking her orgasms just to get away from me. Once, when she thought I was asleep, she got up and took a shower. I’m having a hard time dealing with this. I had crabs once, a lifetime ago, and she acts like I’ve got leprosy.

What do I do?
--Totally Bugged

Quite Frankly:
Jeez, what's up with this chick? She's all grossed about because seven years ago you had some bugs in your crotch? Dude, she has a period every four weeks. What's grosser than that?!? Patricia needs to stop pointing fingers and tend to her own garden.

Seriously, though, this is an issue that's not going to go away. Clearly, if she's sneaking showers in the thick of the night, this bothers her on some level that requires confrontation. I'm not saying you should get into an argument with her (although, from what you've told me, she's an irrational loon, so an argument is bound to happen), but you should try to engage her in a calm dialogue about your situation.

Ask her what you can do to make her feel better about you, your health, and your sex life. You've already seen a doctor. What more does she want? Should you shower before sex? Well, you should, just to be nice, but would she prefer you to scrub yourself raw? Does she want you to shave off your body hair? Does she simply want to stop having sex with you?

Let her speak her mind. Don't try to change it because you can't. Then, based on her answers, you've got some decisions to make. First among them, I imagine, will be: "How do I get her name off the lease?" Because I can't see any happy conclusion to this, unless you discover that Pat had syphilis when she was in the 11th grade.

You got rid of many crabs once. You might have to get rid of one big crab now.

Good luck to you!