The word 'awesome' will be used ad nauseum until it ceases to make us giggle uncontrollably. That's our mission statement. If there's anything that strikes us as even moderately awesome, we want that uploaded on the site. So give us a holler. (Note that we will NOT open attachments of any kind. Please be specific in your subject message.)
'To do' list
Dave McAwesomeConvinced the Interweb needed more inconsequential nonsense, Dave McAwesome dug deep into his Scottish roots to create MaximumAwesome.com. He subsequently founded Uncle McAwesome's Home for Wayward Action Figures. Sugary cereal is served three times a day, and, in return, the residents produce a variety of leather goods distributed in quality tourist shops and pig farms. He also enjoys writing useless bios that convey no information whatsoever.
Frank PittareseFrank was born and raised in Brooklyn, NY. He watches a ridonkulous amount of television, and, if not watched carefully, is apt to sneak off for a nap the minute he gets bored. He used to edit comics at DC and Marvel. That was fun, on account of all the free comics he got. Now he's a freelance editor/writer/slacker who hopes to one day be famous enough to have complete strangers pick through his trash for souvenirs to sell on eBay. The cute ones will be invited in, because, among other things, Frank's a bit of a perv. Now go ask him for some advice.
Hugo MopedHugo Moped lives in a log cabin deep in the Canadian wilderness, where he survives on a diet of whiskey, maple syrup and buckshot (which he dips in salsa). His hobbies include lying on his back, sitting, and standing as still as possible. He articles appear sporadically on Maximum Awesome and I AM POOR AND LONELY PLEASE SEND MONEY.
That is our, shall we say, full-time staff. There have been other writers here and there, coming and going. You could be one of them as long as you don't suck.Top-o-matic.
'TO DO' LISTTeam Awesome has many strange endeavors before them. We require, however, your help. And by 'help' we mean 'money.' These are listed in order of most expensive to least. Please contact Maximum Awesome to contribute.
- Retire. Yes, this is a high priority on our 'to do' list. We will place the money in a high-yield CD or conservative mutual fund and live off the interest. We have modest needs; unfortunately, the government does not. To stave off taxes and the initial tax bite of the gift itself, We require approximately $3 million. In return, we will devote the remainder of what will be a peaceful existence to reading, writing, and, yes, maintaining this Web site (or erasing all memory of it, should you prefer).
- Retire, but still work part-time. Hey, listen, we realize not everyone has $3 million to throw around. We'll just have to squeak by with $1 million. Somehow.
- Produce a film. Let's try $250,000. We'll shoot digital video for 35mm transfer.
- Publish a print magazine. Fill out a non-disclosure agreement and we could have the start of a beautiful publishing company. Did we mention you're handling the financing part?
- Be an 'idea man.' You've probably seen these nonsense job titles here and there: 'creative director,' 'creative consultant,' 'editorial consultant,' 'fountain of whimsy,' 'CEO.' Pfft. We could do that. We've got a ton of ideas. For $100,000, you could have a ton of ideas. We've been itching to be a salaried idea man/person/desk ornament. Act now!
- Educate a rich person. For a mere $50,000 per year, you could receive analysis of literature, dissemination of philosophies, and scintillating conversation. We'll be your own, personal PBS. For an extra 50 grand, We'll even slant the material according to your political ideology so you'll never have those uncomfortable 'could-I-possibly-have-been-wrong?' moments.
- Direct a porn film. C'mon, $20,000 gets you bankable stars and decent sets (maybe even a role in the movie).
- Eat. Suppose you're an employee at, say, Purdue Chickens. Well, it'd be mighty cool if a refrigerated truck were to drop off a couple of those chickens every month at our doorstop.
- Link and blurb. A blurb about your organization plus a link to your site from one or more of our Web pages.
- Banner ad. Placement on one or more of our Web pages.
- Exclusive pop-up ad. This is a premium spot in that we will only support one pop-up ad at any given time (too many are annoying and drive away traffic). It will pop-up at the home page or else any one page of your choosing.
- Sponsorship. Sponsor a particular section of the magazine. Sponsor's name will appear above the section title on the section's page.
- Features section. Advertisers are shying away from 'Advertorial' and 'Paid editorial' sections. They want less of a distinction between journalism and payola, seeking kinder names like 'Special supplement' or 'Sponsored editorial.' So here you go. It's called 'Features.' Tell us what you want us to write about, pay us, and it's published without any nagging disclaimers.
- Naming rights. Rename Maximum Awesome for a week. The name of your choosing (subject to our approval) will be plastered on our intro and home pages above the words, 'formerly Maximum Awesome.'
- Buy Maximum Awesome. For a fee, you can own Maximum Awesome. Minimum offer: $3 million.
- Also see 'To do' list.
CURSINGTeam Awesome utilizes a colorful array of non-curse curses. Here's the guide. We encourage you to incorporate this into your daily life. In fact, we demand it.
fudge, fark, fething (e.g., "oooh, that fething Joan Rivers makes me so mad!"), bloody (e.g., "those bloody Brits, and their bloody stupid replacements for the F-bomb!")
M-bomb, aka Mother of all F-bombs
crap, crapola (prefered), shoot, shuzbut, snickerdoodle, poo
flower, bush, rhododendron (e.g., "I plowed into her wet rhododendron.")
love hose (e.g., "I plowed my love hose into her wet rhododendron.")
- Q: Why? In god's name, why?
A: Founder Dave McAwesome, stuck in the crushing, joyless world of so-called professional journalism and its lesser moons (short-form reviews and service journalism), longed for a better home where investigative reporting, spot-on trend analysis and erudite wit were rewarded. Instead, he created Maximum Awesome.
- Q: My, this seems like a pretty fact-less FAQ.
A: Please phrase your question in the form of a...question.
- Q: My, this seems like a pretty fact-less FAQ?
A: You're welcome?
- Q: Is this it?
A: If there's anything Team Awesome likes better than a good FAQ, it's the end of a FAQ.