funny humor column mcawesome

Two down, 98 years to go.

The second anniversary celebration...of doom!

by Dave McAwesome

What a miraculous two years it's been. I'm almost giddy at the prospect of my final entry on January 12, 2105. I'll be relaxing in my longevity bath taking a deep swig of panda juice. Solar-powered air cars will be humming sweetly outside, racing to get home before dark. The new Red Hot Chili Peppers release, The California Album About California Because We Like to Make Crappy Songs About California, will be spinning in my holodisc player. (I'm a luddite, you see, so I'll still be using the holodisc player and not Sony's hot new Sonisphere Tune Bubble, patent pending.) I can't believe the Chilies are still around, but it's good to still have a rock band left now that all the radio stations play Classical Rap and Easy Hip Hopping. Dentist offices are bumpin' kid!

panda juice pic
Panda juice. For that satisfying furry, chicken-like flavor you just don't get from lemonade.

I suppose I may wistfully lament The Great Blog Famine of 2012 when some knucklehead decided to sponsor a reality television special of Blog Thunderdome featuring live contestants and real weapons. Damn near everyone entered the new bloodsport. The ratings were so good, we opened it up to MySpacers and YouTubers. It's just a shame that no one felt like blogging anymore after watching 16-year-olds gut each other like fish on live TV (Fox bought out the censoring bastards at the FCC three years before when it wanted to air Celebrity Sexcapades opposite ER, which now featured robotic surgeons--robot surgeons with emotions...yuck). Still, who'd have never guessed 14-year-old PurpleButterflyDancer967 would've stuck a fork through DailyKos' eyeballs to take the Thunderdome trophy? Not I!

I'll reflect for a moment on my rather prescient decision to back up the ducat currency of my forum with Cadbury Cream Eggs. Who knew the U.S. dollar would crash and they'd become so valuable?

I may take a stroll in the Domed Astro Park and sniff Chanel from the polystyrene flowers. I'll grab a cup of Space Coffee and a bag of Space Bagels for a late afternoon Space Lunch. And, who knows? I could be celebrating the New York Jets' first trip to the Super Bowl since 1969. That'd be a ripe end to my Web site. My mind wanders back to the longevity bath. I'll enjoy those hourly dips. Whatever those scrubbing jets are doing to my nether regions...I say let's ramp the power up a notch.

Yes, I can almost see the little scroll across the screen of my wireless head-ternet. Hot dog! Here in 2007, I can read part of my 1/12/2105 entry. It says:

The Wikipedia Civil War continues, unfortunately. I had hoped I'd live to see the end of this terrible conflict, but it seems the rift of 2047's debate about the inclusion of hyperbolic entries about the 'elite' class of Wikipedia editors shall not close anytime soon (e.g., the bio for longtime editor James 'Wikigod' Cuddlebump, III, reads: Started the Space Rap wiki page before the media identified the trend. Proudly wears his Wikipedia Badge of Newb-bashing in public. Wields a +2 sword of accuracy!). They've been girl-slapping each other silly for decades. I don't know if you've ever been to a full on, no-holds-barred girl-slap war, but I assure you the tears flow something fierce.

Anyway, I gotta sign off. One of Steven Spielberg's great grandsons released the sixth remake of King Kong. This time, they discover him on one of Jupiter's moons next to this giant black monolith and then take him back to Tatooine where he terrorizes the citizenry of Gotham, which is solely populated by Predators and X-men. Scooby-Doo makes a cameo, so it has to be good. It's supposed to be the best new movie since Star Wars Episode 12: A Leveraged Buyout of Coruscant, Inc. where the Millennium Falcon turns gay and humps the third Death Star.

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