I have a stupid dream

I have a stupid dream

Mine is more realistic than MLK's.

by Dave McAwesome

I want to build a car. It should be an aircar, because, quite frankly, it's 2006 and when I was a kid I was plum certain we'd have aircars by 2002 at the LATEST. Way to let a kid down, Ford Motors. And, you know, I can't come down too hard on those guys. They're not the only ones who dropped the ball on this. Look how little progress the plexiglass industry has made on our domed cities. Weak effort, dude. Just weak. Don't even get me started on our nation's flag.

u.s. flag future autobots optimus prime pic
Chief Justice Erik Estrada: "Optimus Prime, do you swear to uphold the Constitution of the United States of America?" Optimus: "Roll out!" Estrada: "I'm gonna need an 'I do' on that, Mr. President."

I have a stupid dream about building a vehicle. Ideally it'd be a life-sized Mark III Land Raider with dual twin-linked lascannons.

mark mk iii land raider games workshop pic
"Baby on board" sign included.

This unpainted scale model lacks the massive, fully painted firepower I'd need to single-handedly take over, say, Rhode Island or Cyprus. Unfortunately, most of the parts haven't been invented yet, so my back-up plan is to modify a stock pick-up truck into an off-road monster. No, it'd surely not be heavily armored enough to lay siege to Vatican City, but it'll run circles around the Popemobile.

Because the staff of Garden World took advantage of my naivete when I purchased a "money tree," I am unable to afford my off-road dream. The back-up to my back-up is a fully custom, ultra-light, two-seat roadster. "It runs on adrenaline!" I'll say haughtily as I jab a siphoning tube into your spleen. But what then? Would I be able to knock the cell phone out of your hand before you dialed the police? Would my new car (fueled by your fresh spleen juice) be fast enough to beat your wireless call to the nearest relay tower? Even if I got there, I'd be lacking the Land Raider's dual twin-linked lascannons. This won't do.

My next back-up dream vehicle is a motocycle. No, no, don't back away. This one doesn't use adrenaline. It runs on love, or, more likely, petroleum (black gold, Saudi whiskey, Texas orgasm, Alaskan seal bathing solution). It's gonna be low to the ground with wide-ass tires. When technology finally catches up with me, I'll add dual twin-linked lascannons in a detachable side-car. Biker groupies will sidle up to me, "Hey is that a dual twin-linked lascannon or are you just happy to see--" Zaaaaaaap goes the skank-incinerating dual twin-linked lascannon in a belch of cleansing lasfire.

I have a stupid dream today. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream. Go back to Mississippi; go back to Alabama; go back to West Dakota.

I have a stupid dream my four little skanky biker chicks will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin infections but by the content of their MySpace pages. I have a stupid dream today.

I have a stupid dream that one day I will receive a large check made out to "Cash" from a shell account used to divert millions in laundered funds.

I have a stupid dream that one day we will be able to join hands and sing, "Free at last, free at last; thank god almighty, I have an aircar."

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