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Bart needs a kidney

A friend in need is a friend indeed...who's totally screwed

by Dave McAwesome

I received a phone call recently from the always enterprising Bart Swillington.

Bart: If one of us needed a kidney, like if I needed one, would you donate one of yours?
Dave: Give you a kidney?
Bart: Yeah.
Dave: Then I'd only have one.
Bart: Right.
Dave: One kidney left to take care of all my kidney needs.
Bart: Yeah.
Dave: Whatever those are.
Bart: I get it confused with the liver.
Dave: You need a liver too?
Bart: No, just a kidney.
Dave: Oh.
Bart: For now.
Dave: Okay, good. Let's jump off one cliff at a time.
Bart: Yeah.
Dave: One kidney for you; one left for me.
Bart: You've grasped the complexity of the situation, yes.
Dave: Sure, what the hell. You can have my kidney. But just one.
Bart: Oh.
Long pause.
Bart: I would've gone the other way.
Dave: That's not very sporting. Especially since I just gave you a kidney.
Bart: Yeah.
Dave: And possibly a liver.
Bart: I thought we'd both have hung on to our organs.
Dave: You're not getting my liver now.
Dave: I'm having second thoughts about the kidney too. I can't believe you shafted me like that. Do I need to worry about you sneaking into my home, ripping a kidney from my back and dumping me in an ice-filled bathtub?
Bart: My wife is yelling at me for not giving you my kidney.
Dave: Good woman.
Bart: I really thought neither of us would cough up a kidney.
Dave: You're a terrible friend. I'm taking you out of my will. I'm giving my Baskin-Robbins New York Jets Helmet slash ice cream bowl to someone more worthy.
Bart: Oh.
Dave: Like O.J. Simpson. That man would kill to get me a kidney.

Two days later.
Bart: I did some research on kidneys. Turns out there are a lot more options besides taking kidneys from your friends.
Dave: You're still not getting my Jets ice cream bowl.
Bart: Juice?
Dave: Juice. Totally.

baskin-robbins football helmet new york jets
I lied to Bart. I threw out my Baskin-Robbins football helmet years ago. Sorry, Bart. Sorry, Juice.

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