funny humor column mcawesome

I hate this bogus holiday

Valentine's Day still sucks

by Dave McAwesome

I hate this stupid holiday. Each year, hideous greeting cards are designed--even bought--by people with the brain wave activity of wallpaper paste. Despite my admonitions in last year's gift guide, the so-called International Star Registry continues its misguided attempts to sell stars--cosmic furnaces!--to random idiots.

What you are about to see is not pleasant. Please send the children out of the room. If fact, you--yes, you--should also leave the room after you scroll down. No one should see it. It's that ghastly.

Get ready.

Here it comes.

A little more.


Oh, dear. That's horrible.

valentines bear suicide hate death

He unhappy bear. He began cutting himself as a cub. As you can see, this whole Valentine's Day thing has sent him over the edge. First it was the heart tattoos. Then the overeating. Today, he cut a little too deep. I rushed in to bandage his gushing wrist before he could do the same to his left arm.

valentines bear suicide hate death

He didn't make it. I was able to get the bandaid on, but by that time he'd lost too much fluff and bead stuffing. Look at his eye! No, the good one. It's cold and black as Hades. Valentine's Day killed this bear. For that, I shall hold deep enmity towards this alleged St. Valentine.

That's not all.

I found a note. His suicide note.

valentines bear suicide note

It wasn't much, but the fact he did it in those small candy heart confections is quite impressive. They were a tasty post-suicide-note-reading snack treat.

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