Best of the Rest Auditions 2008
Their cup runneth over
by Frank Pittarese"Next week," says the Mighty Seacrest, "the drama unfolds on and off the stage as the contestants endure the rigors of Hollywood Week." Those "rigors" they're to experience can only pale in comparison to watching four damn weeks of audition footage. Period. We see rapid-fire clips of Hollywood, and among those shots are Homeless Car Boy, in tears, and Crazy Car Accident Rainbow Girl, also in tears. It always ends badly, doesn't it? Tonight, auditions wrap up with the very best (maybe) and the very worst (impossible) of the unseen try-outs. This is American Idol. We're gonna need a bigger boat.
Luke Reeder wears a stupid baseball hat with flaps and a giant white t-shirt, sings a song I almost-but-not-quite recognize, then goes into spasms before he's done. Rejected.
Victor Villegas sings like he's pushing a flute out of his nose. Randy says he sounds like a sheep, and then starts going "baaaaa" while Victor takes the shame. Rejected.
Amy Davis has a sob story. We've already had recovering meth addicts, single moms, dead fathers, and a boy who lives in his car. This better be good, Amy. So here it is: Amy's (sometimes) single mom works two jobs and has six kids. Well, holy shit, let me grab a hankie! She sings "Blue Bayou," and I found it loud and flat, but the judges do a happy dance because she's very pretty and on this show, pretty can sometimes be enough. Hollywood.
Tiffany McCambell has the Jesus. In fact, the Holy Spirit itself came and told Tiffany to audition. I don't speak to the Holy Spirit anymore. Not since the time it got drunk and threw up all over my couch. "My pastor at church say my voice is more maturing," she sics, before making a sound like a dying ambulance. "God gave me this gift of singing," she explains, before singing a gospel song like she's being nailed to a cross. Simon steals my joke when he asks if God has a returns policy. Tiffany leaves, as the Holy Spirit has itself a laugh.
Cory Lane, Chris Lane, and Ashley Lawing are auditioning together. The boys are identical twins who look like they stepped out of an Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue. If you put the two of them together, you'd get a half-wit. Ashley is a wannabe Paris Hilton, and comes complete with a tiny dog. She'd almost be pretty if she didn't shave off her eyebrows and draw them back in again. Note to all girls: if you do this, you will look like Shrek. The boys drive the same car, have the same friends, and take turns with Ashley. I'm not making that up. She dates both of them. Or bounces back and forth between them. It's really not clear, except that I'm pretty sure that at some point in this relationship, both guys are naked in the same room at the same time. That's enough for me.
Cory and Chris audition first with some homemade rap. One of them beatboxes while the other one speaks -- except the speaking Lane can't remember a damn word of their song. Humiliation. They should just take off their shirts and have done with it. The judges are like, "In the future, keep your shit together. But please leave."
Ashley walks in with her puppy and hands him to Simon. When Simon says he's going to steal the dog, Ashley responds with: "As long as you put me through to Hollywood, you can have whatever you want." Ah, dignity. Ashley knows she's the next American Idol. She sings "Red Heels" and it's a whirling vortex of tone deafery. Her voice is awful. Out in the hallway, Cory and Chris have a laugh. The boys told Ashley that she can sing, but they know she's no good. Hijinks! They just want her out of the way so they can be together. Ashley is booted.
Cardin Lee McKinney would make a good Top Model contestant. She has a beautiful face and is just a haircut and a runway walk away from reality show greatness. Instead, she's here, singing "One Night Only" from Dreamgirls. Her voice is very theatrical and singing a showtune doesn't help. Simon votes no, because she's not blonde enough, but Paula and Randy put her through.
JoAnne Borgella is a plus-size model, which means that if she were on Top Model, Tyra would expect her to be bubbly and sassy, but weep openly about being miserably overweight before getting eliminated. So Diane has come here, where fat people are shunned only slightly less often. She talks about her weight a lot, but she's not even half the size of Season 5's Mandisa, so whatevs. JoAnne should be more concerned about her bad weave. She sings a Celine Dion song and her voice is lovely, if a little small. Paula's critique: "I see that size has always been and issue for you and I think you're stunning." Um, okay. Simon votes no, because she's not blonde enough or skinny enough, but Randy and Paula put her through.
Alesha Stelzel is blonde and not fat, so at least she gets Simon's attention. But her singing...it has a "Lollipop Guild" quality to it. You know, like a Munchkin. It's almost painful to hear. Simon rightfully calls her audition dreadful, but Randy, out of the blue, suggests that Alesha might sound good singing a Dolly Parton song. The problem: Alesha doesn't know any. Kids today. Lucky for her, she's given the grace of learning one and coming back later. Seacrest tries to help out by leading Alesha into "9 to 5," but Alesha doesn't speak elvish.
She hits up the other auditioneers for help with "Islands in the Stream," and finally logs onto that YouTube site you might have heard about. She looks up the lyrics, studies, and returns to judging. Remarkably, she does a good job. Alesha's voice is still queer, but covering Dolly, she's quite...okay. She's put through to Hollywood, and Simon is disappointed. "That wasn't the ending that I wanted." As long as it ends, Cowell. As long as it ends.
Joshua "Jay Smoove" Moreland looks like the special needs lovechild of P. Diddy and Kanye West. He is his own biggest fan, and is confident that he'll get to Hollywood. Meanwhile, he does push ups and shadow boxes in the waiting area. Are we done yet? I'm tired. He performs an original song called "Beautiful Lady," which involves lots of falsetto and the throwing of glitter. Simon not only hits him with "corny," but "revolting." Yipes! Rejected with malice.
Chikezie Eze auditioned last year and Randy and Paula act like they actually remember him and not that this bit of trivia is on the sheet of paper in their hands. "You wasn't feelin' me," he tells Randy. Chikezie sings "All the Woman I Need," by the late, great Luther Vandross. It's soulful and pleasant. I'm hearing more Jeffrey Osbourne than Luther, but that's okay. The judges think he has an interesting voice. Chikezie gets through to Hollywood, eze-peasy.
Danny Noriega looks like a young, gay Mr. Spock. If they ever remake Star Trek as a high school musical (and at this point, they might as well), he's so in. He says he auditioned once before and got eliminated, but no footage is shown. I suspect he didn't make it past the producer round, but then Paula claims to remember him, as if such a thing is possible, so who knows? Danny...and nothing against the kid...but he looks like he could give the nelliest audition in the history of this show. Think Ugly Betty's Justin. Anyway, Danny sings "Proud Mary" (Randy: "Of course!") and surprisingly, a strong, masculine voice comes out of his pixie-like body. The judges like Danny's voice and find him enough of a curiosity to send him to Hollywood.
And it's over!
Except for the flashbacks...
Seven cities. Over 100,000 contestants. Eight recaps (and counting) by yours truly. Who have we already forgotten? Chest-wax Guy. Former Boy-Bander. Rejected Air Force Chick. Rejected American Juniors Creature. Father & Son and the Pendant of Gay Incest. Kissing Geeks. Grosteque Princess Leia. Borat Guy. Samoan with Homemade Fans. No Sex Allowed. "I am your brother, your best friend forever." Boy with Paralyzed Vocal Chord. Oogie Fingernail Collector. Paula's Stalker. And a bunch of others who we may or may not see again. I'm betting on 'may not.'
Next week, laughter, tears, and bitchery as the woefully short Hollywood Week finally happens.
Hope it doesn't suck!
-Frank
