Top 24: Girls Night

Who peed in the talent pool?

by Frank Pittarese

"The level of talent is higher," Seacrest says of this season's gang of hopefuls. He must be referring to their physical height, not their talent...because have you actually heard these people? Tonight the girls take the stage for 60's Night: The Revenge. This is American Idol. Give peace a chance.

Ryan launches a pre-emptive strike, letting us know the girls are suffering from the flu, and it's horrible, so don’t be hatin'.

Hello to the judges. Randy says the boys were really good last night, so the girls are gonna need to step it up. I've already seen this episode. These girls need to fucking leap. Paula advises the ladies to bring their charm and their good vocals, and reminds us that some of them are sick. The others have no excuse. Simon says that he likes it when the contestants spar with him, before Seacrest tells us "they are in it to win it." Except for that one guy, who's here to lose disgracefully.

Kristy Lee Cook, 24, is up first. She auditioned with "Amazing Grace," bombed with her second song, and switched back to "Amazing Grace" in Hollywood. If she ever makes it, I'll bet it's her first single. Kristy's overwhelming trauma is that in order to audition for Idol, she had to sell her "really good barrel horse." Couldn't you just die? There's cancer. There's September 11th. And there's Kristy Lee Cook having to sell her fucking horse. Kristy is a generic Pretty Blonde, who enjoys the outdoors and dancing in front of the Confederate flag.

She sings "Rescue Me" like a Fembot with bad batteries, gyrating in place, and occasionally bugging out her eyes. She doesn't work the stage so much as massage it into a deep sleep. Her vocal is nothing memorable. The karaoke card gets played a lot on this show, and right now, I'm dealing it to Kristy.

Randy knows the pressure is crazy, but says Kristy had pitch problems and was rough around the edges. Paula: "Being sick and being the first singer is a double whammy." Eff that sympathy noise. Simon says the song is designed for a belter, which Kristy is not, and that her performance was robotic. Domo arigato.

Seacrest goes on about Kristy being sick and all the girls have the dreaded ebola virus and some of them couldn't even walk on the stage during rehearsals because they were dying on their feet and bleeding from their eyes and Jack Bauer is chasing down bioterrorists even as we speak. Look, either you bring it or you don't. Stop whining about having the damn sniffles.

Joanne Borgella, 25, is a plus-size model with a voice lighter than her weight. She was the last girl to learn her Top 24 fate. She wants to touch people's lives the way music has touched hers. And, in case we've forgotten, she would like to remind us that she's overweight. Joanne sings "I Say a Little Prayer" and her voice is nice. That's about all I can say. She has no stage presence to speak of. She just stands on her mark, sways a bit, and occasionally taps her hand against her thigh. Kinda boring.

Randy says it was pretty good, but that Joanne seemed nervous and unsure. Paula says they've seen her sing better, and with confidence. "You've gotta pull it together and shine through." Simon didn't like it at all, calling it an average cabaret version of a cabaret song. "It was very, very substandard." He doesn't want to hear about nerves. Everybody here has a chance to be a star, so he feels they should step up. Or at least screw up enough to be entertaining. This middle-of-the-road boring stuff has gotta go.

Alaina Whitaker, 16, auditioned in Dallas, where the only notable thing about her was that she looked like Carrie Underwood. Simon said he didn't think Alaina was as good as she thought she was. Because he's Charles frickin' Xavier, all of a sudden. He came around in Hollywood, which we did not see. Alaina is excited and will soak in the Idol experience till she goes home in two weeks.

She sings "More Today Than Yesterday," which Chikezie sang last night. This will be the first of several duplicated songs. Alaina starts off slow, but the tempo really picks up at the chorus. You can tell she's having fun, and even though I think she screws up the lyrics, her energy is good enough that it doesn't matter. Her voice is pretty...quite competent. I've decided I like her, so she's definitely going home.

Randy liked her conviction and confidence. Paula reminds us that the great (and batshit crazy) Diana Ross sang this on the show last year. Simon hated the song. "I don't know what that song is." But he quite enjoyed Alaina's performance and tells her she'll sail through to the next round.

Amanda Overmyer, 23 (for real?), is the rocker chick who dresses in black, rides a motorcycle, and makes devil horns. Before Hollywood, she totaled her car in an accident, and we've heard her sing a lot of Janis Joplin. Amanda promises to not do that anymore. Sing Janis, I mean. So keep a sharp eye if you're cruising down the highway. Amanda is on the move.

Tonight, she sings "Baby Please Don't Go" and sounds like she just smoked four packs of cigarettes. There's some scatting, too. And she mumbles when she sings. "County farm...shackles on...grey poupon..." What the hell is she saying? She scats some more. I know she's not really drunk, but dude, she's like, totally drunk. What is this? In the audience, David Cook clearly stands against his will to clap along to this hot mess. People are enjoying it, but...wow. Now she's screaming. I don't know if we should call an ambulance or a priest. This one is passing me by.

Randy loves the song, loves the scatting, loves Amanda's jeans. Paula loves that Amanda is authentic. What Paula loves is a good costume and a strong drink. Simon didn't think it was the best performance, but thought she forgot the words. Amanda is like, "That was scatting, come on!"

Amy Davis, 25, is a trade show model and a grad school student. She sang "Blue Bayou" during auditions, which I vaguely recall, and then sang "Me and Bobby McGee" in Hollywood, which we did not see. For Amy, being in the Top 24 is like a hundred Christmases. For me, Amy being in the Top 24 is like getting razor blades in my trick-or-treat candy.

She sings Connie Francis's "Where the Boys Are" and, lord almighty, it is terrible! Amy sounds like a scratchy 45 played on a turntable with a broken needle that's been covered in molasses. She's pitchy; her voice warbles. If this Idol plague is legitimate, then I hope Amy has it, because she can't be this bad and have made it this far. (And if she actually is sick, how much would it suck to make it all the way here and tank on the most important night of the season?)

Randy critiques the way Amy tried to "scoop up" to the notes, using country singers like Patsy Cline as an example. "It wasn't great for me," he says. Paula: "The camera loves you." That says it all, I think. Simon tells Amy that it was a boring song, and Amy needed a country twang to make the song work. Or talent. Talent would also be good.

Brooke White, 24, is a nanny who never saw an R-rated movie. This amused Cowell, who teased her about coming over to "the dark side." In Hollywood, he compared her to Carly Simon. And...yeah, well, that's Brooke.

She performs "Happy Together" (as David Cook did yesterday). It's a nice, simple arrangement, which allows the uncomplicated Brooke to shine. She's having a good time, sounds great, and seems very comfortable on stage. I enjoyed her.

Randy didn't like the way Brooke started, but says she slayed it at the end. Simon does not understand "slaying." Thick bastard. Paula says this competition is about originality (lie). I think in her ramblings, she means to say that Brooke is unique. Cowell hates happiness, and knocks Brooke because he feels she should be in a commercial for dishwashing liquid. "I presume you're just gonna be nice throughout this competition," he remarks.

"Is that okay?" asks Brooke.

"Not really, no," laughs Simon. Ah, good times on the Idol.

Alexandréa Lushington, 17, auditioned in Atlanta. Somewhere between there and here, she added an accent to the spelling of her first name (and that 'g' in her surname looks queerly fresh). I feel like every time we've seen Alex she's been dressed like a boy. Via faux-Hollywood flashback, we learn that she was the only person in her entire finalist row to survive. Would've been nice to see that exciting moment, ya think? If anybody who works on the show is reading this right now, please give me a call. I can help.

Alexandréa really works her performance of Blood, Sweat & Tears "Spinning Wheel." The boyish look is gone. She's wearing dark trousers with suspenders over a t-shirt...some make-up. She looks cute, not like somebody's kid brother. She starts her performance from atop the long staircase, then works her way down to the stage. She moves, she dances a bit. Great stage presence and personality. Her voice isn't super-fantastic, but she's the best we've heard tonight. Terrific!

Randy says Alexandréa blew the doors off that song. He loved the jazz fusion arrangement. Paula compliments Alex for dressing right and taking control of the staging. Simon, of course, poops the party. "I didn't get it." He says it was like an awful musical from the '60s. I might be wrong, but that could have something to do with this being a 1960's theme night. And Cowell didn't think the vocals were great. In fact, he hasn't heard a great vocal all night.

"Wait a minute," chimes boy Seacrest. "Didn't you put these people through?" Burn!

Kady Malloy, 18, is another Generic Blonde. She auditioned with "Unchained Melody," which...yuck. I had trouble remembering her till her clip package reminds us that her talent is doing vocal impressions of other singers. We hear her singing "I'm a Slave 4 U" just like Britney, and it was Kady's mimickry that entertained the judges all those weeks ago. Now, she must prove that she does have her own voice.

She sings "Groovy Kind of Love." Vocally? Meh. It's a plain Jane voice that Kady has. And that face. She looks like she will beat you up with a groovy kind of bat. This song goes on for an hour and twenty-three minutes.

Randy likes Kady's 'Rich Little' skills, but wasn't crazy about her singing skills. Or her nunchuk skills. Paula says Kady is very pretty. It's at about this point that Kady pulls a major bitchface that does not go away. Paula is like, "You do impressions, you're funny, so be funny always!" Simon says Kady's performance was like Night of the Living Dead. Kady looks she's been sucking on a bad pickle. Simon says she's been downhill since her first audition. So she's here...why? Because Simon likes blondes, that's why. Ryan makes Kady defend herself, but you can tell she's totally over this. If this were comic book, her thought balloon would be: "Shut the fuck up, all'a y'all." Kady walks off stage the minute Seacrest finishes reading her numbers. Charming.

Asia'h Epperson, 19, had a father who died just before her audition, where she cried, gained the judges sympathy, and got put through to Hollywood. She knew she'd get grief over auditioning in grief, but she knew her dad would want her to push on. And let's face it, when you're dead, you're dead. Asia'h is excited to be living her father's dream.

Her cover of "Piece of My Heart" is soulful and confident, and the judges do love their confident Idoleers. Asia'h works the stage quite well, but I'm not sold on her vocals. She sounds a little hoarse. Could just be the Idol plague. Still, she holds my attention, unlike Kristy or Jason Yaeger last night.

Randy loved that Asia'h brought herself to the song. Paula said she had some really good moments. Simon: "It was my favorite of the night." Huh? He liked the way she let go and didn't take herself too seriously. You mean like Brooke White just did? Shut up, Cowell.

Ramiele Malubay, 20, has had a tough time being memorable for me, but tonight everything clicks. She's the one who wants to be like Season Three's Jasmine Trias, but, ya know, not suck as much or lose the competition. She's a petite little thing, with a big voice. We see her audition with some Aretha. Nice. In Hollywood, she had to block out the voices of the other contestants, rather than succumb to nerves. Tonight, she sings "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me," like she's been briefly possessed by a 40-year-old woman. I don't mean that as a slam. There's just a maturity about her...she's at ease on the stage. Well done.

Randy loved, loved the way her voice got bigger toward the end. "Very classy," he says. "Almost like a pro." Paula hopes Ramiele sails all the way through. Simon says she outsang all the other girls. She ain't goin' nowhere.

On the Coke couch, Syesha sits next to Seacrest while he interviews her. Oh, I'm sorry, she's kneeling on the couch, making herself appear well over a foot taller than him. Ryan, as we all know, is a wee man. This is just Syesha trying to draw attention to herself again. I am so over this girl. Seacrest cranes his neck to ask her about the Idol flu. "I've been trying to stay away from the sick ones," she says. A wide shot reveals Amanda Overmyer, sitting a safe distance away from Syesha. I get the impression that sick or not, these girls probably don't have a problem staying away from Seisha.

So, about Syesha Mercado, 21... She leaves in Miami, where she's a self-described "working actress." Of course she is. At auditions, she was happy, happy, very happy. Then in Hollywood, she came down with laryngitis, and rather than just deal with it, she paraded around communicating by writing on big note pads, so people across the room would look at her and be like, "Hey, what's up with that girl?!" Thanks to some "miracle" her voice returned long enough for Syesha to kill during her Hollywood audition. Then it went away again, like I wish Syesha would.

She sings "Tobacco Road" and while her performance is more than adequate, I just don't think I can take another three months of her "I, Me, Mine" syndrome.

Randy really liked it. She was consistent. Paula: "Joyful! Fun! Big!" Simon says she's probably one of the most talented girls in the competition. He likes Syesha's attitude and that she tries hard. "She's just got it." She can keep it.

Carly Smithson, 24, has gotten more play this season than Ryan Seacrest. She auditioned once before, immigration problems, blah, blah, lucky charms, o'blah. In her clip package, we learn that when Carly was 15, she signed with "a major label," but two years later, the record company "imploded." At first, I'm shocked that the show is letting us peek behind the ringer curtain. But after taking a breath, I realize that it's all part of their plan to get Carly votes. She almost made it, viewers. She could have had it all, viewers. Don't you want her dreams to come true, viewers? I don't dislike Carly, but there's no way I'll ever vote for her (unless she's against Syesha...I'd vote for an aardvark before Syesha). We get clips of Carly crying, while soft, sentimental music plays us through. Come on, already. Is America that stupid. (Having already seen the next episode, I can tell you that America is exactly that stupid.)

Carly's song of choice is "The Shadow of Your Smile." Her voice is powerful, yet subdued. This is good. A strong performance, with no bum notes or embarrassing flubs.

Randy says this is what the show is all about (but adds that Carly has bronchitis). "Best vocal of the Top 24...hot, hot, hot!" Paula calls Carly "the lucky coin in the pocket." Or the shiny flask in the purse. She liked the tenderness in Carly's voice. Simon, randomly, claims not to "get" Carly, says the song was old-fashioned, and that her mic technique (!) was way too cabaret. He was expecting a Kelly Clarkson or a Fantasia. Randy and Paula are like, "Um...she held the microphone correctly, you testicle." Simon poo-poos them with his eyes.

And with that, the girls shut up for the evening.

So who goes home? While I already know the results, my guesses would have been Kristy Lee Cook for being a boring piece of plastic and Amy Davis, who should have worried about where the right keys were, not the boys.

Tomorrow, we lose four hopefuls in one of the most ass-burning episodes in the series' history.

Cranky in anticipation,
-Frank