Top 6: Andrew Lloyd Webber

Cats is about cats? Who knew!

by Frank Pittarese

"Tonight your finalists face their toughest test yet, as we push them further than ever before." Seacrest acts like the contestants are going to face the American Gladiators in a round of Joust, instead of, ya know, singing. Like they do every week. This is American Idol. Avoid spraying in eyes.

You know how Simon is always criticizing contestants for sounding too "Broadway"? Well, tonight they'll be singing the works of Andrew Lloyd Webber. Guess Broadway is okay, all of a sudden. And that's good because this is what the kids are playing on their iPods nowadays. Andrew Lloyd Webber is a Tony, Grammy, and Academy Award-winning Brit who composed the music for Phantom of the Opera, Evita, Cats, and other gay things. He is a wee fellow, and looks like something that might spontaneously erupt from a Jack-in-the-Box.

For tonight's festivities, Ricky Minor and the band are down on the stage instead of up on their perch, and all are dressed in their funeral best. The judges are in place. And the girls in the mosh pit are fresh from the sorority house from which they've been recruited. I am not making that up.

The kids are flown to Las Vegas to meet with Webber, on the very stage where a production of Phantom is running. Webber has made the curious fashion choice of wearing a light blue shirt with burgundy cords. Rich people are always on the cutting edge. Webber explains that he's there to make the songs work for the Idols in order to make their performances as good as possible. Has he seen this show? Around here, good is a stretch.

Syesha Mercado will be singing "One Rock & Roll Too Many," from the musical Starlight Express. The entirety of that play was performed on roller skates. Just so you know. Syesha isn't sure how animated her performance should be, so Webber asks her to try it straight, in a non-animated style. Of course, Syesha goes into a routine, letting her face go dead and robotic as she sings directly into the camera. She's such a cow. Webber is like, "Animate yourself." And that's what she does on stage. She even starts off with some Fosse-like arm-choreography, over-exaggerating the snaps of her fingers. Also, she's standing on top of the piano. Vocally -- and I've said this before and hated saying it every time -- she's pretty good. This might even be the best we've heard from Syesha. She's jazzy and sexy, and manages to exhibit some personality, however artificial it may be.

Judges. Randy thinks Syesha could be a huge Broadway star and this was her best performance ever. Paula says she brought the house down. If only she would, this season would be over all the sooner. Simon calls the performance "sexy," and says he liked the whole Michelle Pfeiffer/Fabulous Baker Boys piano-top thing. He and his woody thank her.

Jason Castro has decided to sing "Memory" from Cats. Webber is aghast. "I never thought I'd hear a man singing 'Memory.' With dreadlocks!" Then he tries to explain the story of the song, in its context, to Jason. "I didn't know a cat was singing it," admits Jason. Guess he thought the show's title was symbolic in the same way that 420 isn't just a number. Webber tries to direct Jason towards a good performance, but all he seems to get back is a vacant stare. Webber: "I wouldn't be surprised if he ignores every single thing I told him." On stage, Jason sings the song in his usual weak, listless voice, turning it into a somewhat off-key lullaby. The song, which should build to a powerful crescendo (check out the Betty Buckley version on the internets, if you're curious about how it's done), goes nowhere. This is pretty lame.

Judges. Randy calls it a vocal train wreck, but he likes the idea of Jason, with his dreads, singing that kind of song. Paula says the song is meant for a "female power balladeer," which Jason is not, then she compares his performance to Joe Cocker's "You Are So Beautiful." Both are spastic? Simon says it felt like Jason was forced by his parents to sing a song at a wedding which he didn't want to sing. I think Arculeta might know a little something about that scenario.

Brooke White will sing "You Must Love Me," from the film Evita. It's a bit of a dirge. "Buenos Aires," also from Evita, would have been more Brooke's speed. "I don't think this girl had a clue what she was singing about," Webber interviews. He explains how, in the story, Evita is dying and she knows it, so the song should be sung with some gravity. Or is it gravitas? One of those things. Brooke gets it, and Webber is pleased. When performance time comes, Brooke sings less than two lines of the song before stopping the band. "I'm sorry," she says. Dead silence abounds in the theater. This is awkward. This is terrible. This is awesome! Finally, she starts again, and while it's a lovely two minutes, Brooke's nerves are on full display the whole time. The performance is tainted by the continuous expectation that something else will go wrong. Too bad. This might have been excellent.

Judges. Randy wasn't crazy about the performance, but he liked that Brooke listened to Webber and believed what she was singing. Paula, after a lengthy pause: "You must never start and stop." I disagree. And I promise you that if Brooke messed up and plowed through, she'd still hear about it. Simon points out that Brooke's mistake threw her off, making the whole performance uncomfortable to watch. But he thought she did the right thing, calling it "brave." Live TV, bitches. That's what it's all about.

Coke Interview. Seacrest calls a bunch of teenage girls up to the stage to hug Little David. That was literally the Coke Interview.

David Archuleta has chosen "Think of Me" from Phantom of the Opera. Webber points out that this is another song written for a female diva, and he's curious to see what David has in store. Turns out Webber is impressed. He does have two pieces of advice for David, though: "Open your eyes. And open your eyes." I guess the kid sings with his eyes closed. I never noticed because I find his lips especially riveting. Relax. I jest. "Little David has a real musical soul to him, but he must keep his eyes open." I love that he calls him "Little David," right out loud. David's take on "Think of Me" is to sing it like a Westlife song. Westlife was (still is, I guess) a hugely successful Irish boyband who sang insanely catchy power ballads. They were originally signed by Simon Cowell, so my suspicion is that he'll really like this, because as a Westlife song, it's good. As Archuleta channeling Westlife, it's great. He does struggle to keep his eyes open (and now that I'm aware of it, it's easy to see), and he's breathy, as always, but overall, this might have been David's best, so far.

Judges. Randy thought it was the bomb. Paula thought it was absolutely perfect. Simon thought it was one of David's weakest performances. Huh? It was forgettable, he says. Huh?? Did he hear what I heard? This was totally in Simon's wheelhouse. I don't get it.

Carly Smithson planned on singing "All I Ask of You" from Phantom, but Webber is like, "Aw, hell no." He prefers Carly's second choice, "Superstar," from Jesus Christ Superstar. He doesn't think Carly, a girl with a fugly tattoo on her arm, should sing songs that are girly. So here she is, with David Cook's rocker lights in full bloom, singing one of Webber's best songs...adequately. She also fumbles the lyrics at the start, and makes a few bad choices, like letting the backup singers carry her through when she should be singing. And why does she look so angry all the time? This isn't a disaster. It isn't even bad. It's just a case of the song being better than the performer. But singing about the Jesus should keep Carly safe for another week.

Judges. Randy says it was definitely good...definitely good. Paula loved what Carly did in the chorus (which was nothing special). Simon calls it one of his favorite performances of the night. Well, it was lively, at least.

David Cook will sing "Music of the Night," yet another song from Phantom. Webber calls it the "most sensual...the most sexy song I have ever written." He tries to get David to feel the vibe during rehearsal. Webber tells David to imagine him as "the most gorgeous girl" David's ever seen in his life. And not as a hobgoblin. So David stares longingly into Webber's eyes, they embrace, and fall to the floor where they make mad, passionate love. At performance time, David pretty much sings the song in its Broadway arrangement. No rocker interpretation...no cover of someone's cover. As such, it's good. Better than I expected, anyway.

Judges. Randy calls it an amazing vocal performance. Paula tells David he has a beautiful instrument. Also, she liked his singing. Simon gripes about the song. "This is not the side of you I like," he says. Like singing these kinds of songs is anywhere on David's lifelong agenda. But Simon admits that he made the most of the song he was "given."

So who Bottom Threes? The disaster of Brooke, for sure. Jason, probably, because that performance was a hot mess. And probably Syesha, because she's a B3 regular. Unfortunately, I think Brooke might be going home.

Tomorrow, six become five...
-Frank