Duke

First Sergeant, G.I. Joe

by Dave McAwesome

Duke should be dead. In that godawful film starring Don Johnson, Duke took a poisonous snake spear to the heart. Luckily for him, that godawfuller Transformers movie was released first. Optimus Prime was killed and Hasbro got skittish about the fans' reaction (hey, geniuses, maybe the fan reaction was bad because the movie sucked and because the guitar-hero soundtrack would've been better suited for an educational video about the benefits of amphetamines). So they sent the morticians to exhume the body and dubbed over a quick line from Doc at the end of the film, "Duke's going to be okay!" Or something like that. Don't make me watch it again to fact check the exact line.

Incidentally, the poor reaction to the Transformers movie bumped G.I. Joe from a planned theatrical release straight to television. In fact, the best thing you can say about Transformers, other than 'Orson Welles' last role,' is that it forced the scrapping of a planned My Little Pony flick. Take that, 10-year-old girls.

Duke was first offered as a mail-in. You scrape up enough flag points and he's yours. The problem with the Duke action figure is that he's smiling. Who wants a smiling action figure? A blond, smiling idiot. God, what are toys coming to? His file card was the saving grace. 'Statement after declining commission: "They tell me that an officer's job is to impel others to take the risks--so that the officer survives to take the blame in the event of total catastrophe. With all due respect, sir...if that's what an officer does, I don't want any part of it."' Nice. He was also a badass in Vietnam. Probably killed a lot of women and children to boot. This wasn't a goofy smile. This was the steely grin of a death jester.

The G.I. Joe cartoon varied significantly from the Larry Hama-scribed Marvel comic. For one, nobody died. Most importantly for Duke, Scarlett was no longer Snake-Eyes' squeeze. She spent her nights saluting Duke's own First Sergeant. Good for him, except that it's a cartoon, so if you're one of those dorks reading this going, "Duke was totally bangin Scarlett! High five!" ...I will not high five you, sir. Once again, it was a cartoon. Just as nobody died, nobody got 'banged' either. These people just kissed. No, no tongue. Just a sweet little kiss. Maybe open-mouthed. Maybe. But there was no cartoon sex. Cartoons don't procreate. New Joes are created by otherwise sterile and passionless marketing departments.

Now you know. And, when it comes to cartoon STDs, knowing is half the battle, so wear those condoms, kids.