American Idol: Tuesday Recap (5/2)

2 Themes. 2 Songs. 2 Much.

by Frank Pittarese

“The finale is so close they can taste it,” Snazzy Seacrest sez. And it tastes like calamari. “Who are you rooting for—and how will they do tonight?” This, baby, is American Idol.

Seacrest takes the stage, looking slick, if a little bland, in his gray suit. Anthony Fedorov, who you might remember as Tracheotomy Lad from Season 4, applaudes in the audience. He’s all grown up, with chin-scruff and everything. This boy used to make me swoon, I tell ya. When he sang, I could hardly hear a note coming out of his head, for all the dreaminess of him.

We’ll be hearing two songs from each contestant, and while Seacrest takes his sweet time getting to it, the themes are “Songs from the Year You Were Born” and “Songs from the Current Billboard Charts.” This makes a nice change from this season's endless parade of old people. Was Englebert Humperdink busy? Was Tom Jones getting a hip replaced? Where’s Cher when you need her?

The judges are introduced: Randy looking cool, Paula looking chilly, and Simon looking…well, he’s looking at Seacrest like he’s just discovered the most delicious dish in the house. I kid ye not.

Tonight, we waste no time.

Elliott Yamine is up first. He was born in 1978—that’s after Star Wars. So young! Elliott will sing George Benson’s ‘On Broadway,’ which could be a good choice for him. A montage of Elliott’s baby photos dissolve across the screen, one after the other. Elliott tells us that since he was little, he’s had a habit of biting his nails. That’s extremely gross, but given the experiment in terror that he calls life, I can forgive it. It’s worse, he says, now that he’s on the show. “Especially on Wednesday nights. Definitely wouldn’t make a good hand model,” he laughs, “That’s for sure!”

Elliott strolls his way on stage in time to the music, wearing a beige blazer, a huge matching silk tie, and beat-up jeans. He’s always so nicely dressed for his performances, I don’t see why he’s always thugged out the rest of the time. Anyway, Elliott, who you know I love, is over-singing this song quite a bit. Lots of runs and pointless flourishes are sprinkled throughout. I guess he’s making it his own, as they say, but I’m not digging it much. He seems more confidant than ever, which is nice to see. And the audience enjoys him—including ejected contestant Ace Young.

Judges. Randy: “It started a little rough, for me, man, but by the middle of the song, you got it together, man, and showed that beautiful tenor that you got, man. Very nice, dude, very nice.” Paula agreed with Randy, man: “Way to go.” Simon: “I thought it was a bit disjointed and I think you’re very lucky you got two songs tonight.”

Paris Bennett is in the Coca-Cola interview spot, and we’re told she’ll be singing ‘Kiss’ by Prince. Why? “The song is not really a song that people can make a song, but I think I can.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m sure Paula does. Paris also digs that Prince is from Minnesota, where she used to live and where, she says, Prince is a god. Prince is so godly, in fact, that he won't appear on this show, because the contestants might touch him.

Paris was born in 1988, by which time I was pretty much done with college. Crazy. She was a cute little baby, that’s for sure. Her mom used to like dressing her in big, ruffled dresses (and apparently, taking her to pose for photos at Sears), and we see evidence of that—except Paris tells us she was a tomboy, and would always “take ‘em off and get ‘em all dirty.”

Her version of the song isn’t bad. She doesn’t do the falsetto thing that Prince did in the original, and sings in an unexpected lower key. If Natalie Cole covered this song, it would probably sound like this. Paris’s energy abounds here, and she does a good job of working the crowd—although I could live without her telling us to “Come on!” I’m here already. Don’t push it. She’s shakes some booty and moves around a lot, throwing some song-appropriate attitude. Overall, a fun performance. Not winner-worthy, but okay.

Judges. Randy: “Nice to see you having a little fun…I thought it was nice, I liked it.” Paula: “Me, I love when you sing songs from the past eras.” I’d argue that the girl was born in 1988, and the rules are what they are—but we’ve yet to hear Taylor's final song of the evening. Simon: “Screechy and annoying.” Wow…that’s harsh, even for him. Paris thanks him, because she was raised right. “I like all the opinions,” she says. So sweet. She must be destroyed.

Chris Daughtry was born in 1979. He’ll be singing ‘Renegade’ by Styx. Damn. Born four year later, he might’ve graced us with ‘Mr. Roboto.’ Chris was also a cute baby, and as a kid, liked to dress up. We see him in a  Jack Nicholson-style Joker costume, and also dressed as Dracula. “I always wanted to be in the spotlight, and now here I am.” And I’m here to say that if the music thing doesn’t work out, I have a camcorder here to insure Chris continues to get the attention he deserves.

This song sounds like it should be sung by Bon Jovi. It’s got that whole Western 'Wanted: Dead or Alive' thing goin’ on. Chris is 180 pounds of foxy, dressed in a black shirt and tight black pants. He sounds pretty damn awesome, too. The super-bright lights are back, along with some strobing, as the show gets back to pushing the “rocker” thing. Chris has a good voice. He doesn’t need the light show. But the producers are determined to create a product here, so what can you do? The audience applauds, and it looks like ex-Idoler Nikki McKibben is sitting there, although she doesn’t get a caption like A-Fed did. She’s next to Ty Treadway, ex-One Life to Live villain and current lunkhead host of that parody of a chat show, Soap Talk. I hear he hosts a post-Idol show on the Fox Reality Channel, which I don’t have and that’s fine because I don’t need to watch another seven hours of TV a day…much. But for reruns of Joe Millionaire and Playing it Straight? I’d make the time. What was I talking about? Oh, right.   

Judges. Randy: “All I can say, man, is America, we got a  real hot one tonight right here!!” Paula: “Outstanding!” Simon: “That was a million times better than the first two performances.” True that.

Katharine McPhee gets the next Coke interview spot. She talks about her yellow dress from last week, and how she had a wardrobe malfunction when she lost a button. Was that the panty-flash, I wonder? Seacrest says a lot of people “went back on their systems and watched it over and over again.” Kat, not afraid to name names, says, “I’m sure they TiVoed…I’m sure they did.” He asks if she’s strapped into her current outfit—which we’ll get to in a minute—and then we check out her Baby Reel.

Katharine was born in 1984, which I believe is also the year Madonna’s Like a Virgin album was released. It’s also when I graduated from high school. Katharine didn’t cry when she was born. Witch! Kat enjoys the irony of not wanting to make a sound when she came out, but now wanting to be a singer. I enjoy the irony of loving this show, but finding 99 percent of it completely asstarded.

Kat is singing ‘Against All Odds,’ by Phil Collins, which was the theme to a movie that nobody saw. Besides, if you watched the video, you pretty much got the plot: love triangle, angst, somebody falls off a cliff, the end. She’s wearing a brown dress that’s bound above and below the breast, at the waist, and above the knees by—leather belts?!? The unbound parts are tight, but wrinkly in all the wrong places. Were it an art piece, I’d call it “Poop in Bondage.” She's like the Bride of Mr. Hanky.

Anyway, you probably want to know about the performance. It’s bad. Kat sounds pitchy and disconnected from the music. It’s almost like she’s not paying attention to the song. That thing she usually does where she psychically bonds with the audience and viewers? Not happening here. She’s trying—you can see it—but she just can’t seem to get a grip on the song. And the arrangement isn’t helping, calling for power notes at the worst possibly moments.

Judges. Randy: “You look amazing…I don’t know if the key was exactly right for you…it was okay at the end.” Paula: “Not my favorite performance from you.” Katharine knows and acknowledges this, and Paula acknowledges her acknowledgment. Simon seems genuinely disappointed: “As you know I got it completely wrong last week and I did apologize. Tonight, in parts, it was a mess, and song ran away from you, basically. So I agree with Paula and Randy…by far it was one of your best performances.” That’s not a typo. Just hang on.

Seacrest steps out to give us the numbers, and asks Kat if this song was a tough one to sing. She answers in Abdulish, “No, actually, it’s…I don’t thi…well, someti…I dunno, I dunno.” Then she laughs adorably. “When you’re nervous, anything’s difficult, I guess.” Simon, whose mic is turned off, says something off-camera, to which Katharine seriously says, “No.” His mic then comes on, and he restates, “If I said it was one of your best performances, it wasn’t. That was what I was trying to say.” Confusion all around. Kat gets a little flustered. I think Simon’s trying to be nice here, and clarify his earlier remarks. This definitely isn’t about Simon being The Prick.

Taylor Hicks was born in 1976, the year of America’s Bicentennial celebration. Dude is old. As a child, his hair went from blond to black to gray. This genetic mutation wasn’t enough to get him employed in a sideshow, so instead he’s inflicting himself upon us here.

So Taylor comes bouncing out on stage. He’s wearing a paisley-ish multi-colored shirt and, like Paris, tell us to “Come on!” Absolutely-effing-not. He’s singing ‘Play That Funky Music’ so you can just imagine what sort of freakish dancing that entails. He squats and skips and snaps his fingers and pimp-struts and makes Franken-faces, and it’s like something from fucking Silent Hill. Vocally, he’s fine. That’s the fairest thing I can say. But if Taylor insists on acting like a deranged spastic, I’m gonna call him on it. Taking a page from the Ace Young School of Choreography, Taylor ends the song with the lyric “Play that funky music till you die,” and proceeds to literally throw himself on the floor, writhing about like when Samwise Gamgee inhaled the nerve gas on 24.

The audience goes crazy, because a) they’re lemmings and b) Taylor knows how to work them. He so going to win this damn competition. And then there will be interviews. And music videos. And return visits to this show. Kill me now.

Judges. Randy: “That was another wild choice…I felt like I was in a bar and I had a couple.” Paula: “You dressed the part, you had fun…this is the authentic Taylor that we love.” Simon: “For me, it was like…a horrible, horrible wedding performance. I liked the end, when you collapsed.”

Seacrest takes the stage, and decides to reenact Taylor’s death move by laying on the floor and throwing his legs up in the air, ass to the sky. Do I even need to go there? It’s too easy. Taylor joins him on the ground and Seacrest reads out the numbers.

Back from commercials, and it’s time for Theme Two. The Idolers will sing a top ten song from any of this week’s Billboard charts. There’s a Billboard clip reel, which includes a bit of “My, aren’t American Idol winners succesful!” but who cares, really? Then Seacrest and Randy pimp the new American Idol Encores CD, on sale later this month. It features this year’s Top 12, and while it’s nothing I’d buy, I’d like to know what they did with Kevin Covais.

Elliott: Round Two. He’s singing ‘Home’ by Michael Buble, sitting in a chair, soft and easy. As with his first performance, he looks relaxed….maybe even a little tired, I’m sorry to say. The song isn’t much, but then again, songs generally aren’t much nowadays. It was alright. He finishes the song and runs to the Coke chairs, which is where he’s supposed to go later—so Seacrest goofily runs him back to center stage. It’s really the only highlight of this performance.

Judges. Randy: “Nice choice, baby. Nice!” Paula: “With this song we got to really hear and feel the richness of your voice. It can melt you. It was great.” Simon: “I’m not sure I would’ve chosen a lyric saying ‘I want to go home’ tonight.” He’s worried the song didn’t have enough of a hook or a wow factor—and he’s right, it was a little on the bland side. But that’s what hot right now, isn’t it?

Paris Bennett: Round Two. She’s singing Mary J. Blige’s ‘Be Without You.’ Little Paris got her costumes mixed up for this one. On the top, she’s got an Army fatigue shirt, accessorized by a thick red belt with a butterfly buckle. On the bottom, she’s wearing M.C. Hammer’s genie pants. She looks ridiculous, but somehow pulls it off. Youth. Paris again tells us to “Come on!” and aside from that minor irritation, she sounds good. I don’t dig the whole R&B thing, but this was a quality performance. Very solid. Very marketable.

Judges. Randy: “There were a couple of pitchy things here and there, but you rocked it!” Paula: “I loved your voice [but] I was hoping you would do your own Paris flip on it.” Simon: “I think she did rather well with that.”

Chris Daughtry: Round Two. Chris is singing ‘I Dare You’ by Shinedown. The jumbo screen behind him is full of flames, 30 feet tall, and he’s surrounded by red lights, making him look like Carrie White at the prom. There’s a lot of yelling in this song, and while he starts off strong, his voice cracks at the end, when he really needs to scream. It doesn’t fail him completely, and he pulls through. Ultimately, if you like Chris, you’d love this.

Judges. Randy: “You voice is starting to give out a little bit…it was just alright for me.” Paula: “I loved ya.” Simon (to Paula): “Whoopee.” Then to Chris: “Your voice is going Chris…you’ve gotta watch yourself. But you know what? Great first song, so you’re gonna be fine.” Chris tells Seacrest that this was about the fifth time he’s sung this song today, so he’s probably pushed it. “I’ve gotta pace myself.” He doesn’t need the sympathy vote, but this can’t hurt.

Katharine McPhee: Round Two. She’s singing “Black Horse and the Cherry Tree” by Scottish singer-songwriter K.T. Tunstall. It’s a really catchy song! Check out the video on YouTube. Anyway, Kat, for reasons unclear, has decided to sing this song on her knees, sometimes bouncing, sometimes knee-walking. It’s interesting, that’s for sure. To her right are two musicians, banging on what appear to be wooden TV trays turned on their sides, but which are actually box drums. She’s great! Very energetic and engaging. It looks like she’s having fun, and vocally, she’s right on target, sexy and alive. A wonderful performance!

Judges. Randy: “That’s more like the Katharine that I grew to love!” Paula: “I love the little choreography and the little intimacy…this was a much better performance.” Simon: “This is a strange show. Taylor’s lying down, you’re on your knees…it was a good choice of song.”

Taylor Hicks: Round Two. He’s singing ‘Something’ by the Beatles. Excuse me? Apparently, it’s on an album in the “Top Pop Catalogue” chart, but come on. Whatever this guy can do to stand out, he does, and I can almost, almost get behind that…but it’s always something with him. Ugh. Just effing ugh. Whatever. He’s all droopy-faced and singing like Joe Cocker. The audience “woos” intermittently. This is, by far, more palatable than his earlier song, but I just can’t stomach him. Have you ever seen The Commitments? Remember that fat bastard of a lead singer, Deco? Completely unpleasant, an offense to the eye, but with a more than decent voice. That’s Taylor. Unfortunately, we won’t see him get his ass kicked in the third act, but one can hope.

Judges. Randy: “Wow…you chose a great song…it was a nice tender moment from you. I like this whole Beatles vibe. We need a whole Beatles Night goin’ on here. Right, Paula?” For some reason, Simon finds this concept hilarious. Paula: “I think it’s very daring to sing a song like that, but you moved it tenderly.” Simon: “It’s very easy to forget, with all your balminess, that you’re a very, very good singer.” Taylor, who until this point was just standing there, stoned-faced, suddenly starts “wooing” up a storm, and “Soul Patrolling” at us. Red. Boiling. Hate. Taylor loves The Beatles and is thrilled to sing one of their songs. The audience cheers like maniacs.

After a quick recap of the night’s performances, Seacrest, bookended by the Final Five, turns back to the judges to get their thoughts on the show. Randy thinks it was a “wildly unpredictable Idol night.” Paula thinks the evening was “different and…interesting.” Simon thought it was erratic. “Some good performances, some not so good performances. Advice: next week…choose great songs.” He judges his own performance as a 9.5 out of 10. It's that sort of self-deprication that endears him to me.

As for tomorrow's Bottom Two, I'm guessing it'll be Paris and Katharine (despite her kick-ass second song). Who goes home? Tough call, but Paris has B-Threed enough that this should be the end for her.

Tune in tomorrow, when 5 become 4…