funny humor column mcawesome

One if by land, two if by Creme Egg

Part 2, War on the Floor III

by Dave McAwesome

Chirpy Orangebreast stormed into General Longtail's army headquarters. All the Peep leaders were there: Longtail, Pink Pussyfoot, Warbler Bluebelly and even Beak Featherbottom.

Chirpy Orangebreast interrupts General Longtail, Warbler Bluebelly, Beak Featherbottom and Pink Pussyfoot.

"So you've heard?" Chirpy stammered breathlessly.

"Yes," answered Longtail. "And I have to say, Chirpy, that we're all very concerned. Changing your name won't change how you feel about yourself...on the inside."

"Huh? No! The Sugar Bunnies!"

"It's about choices, Chirpy," he continued. "I've had some tough choices to make over the years. When I was younger, I was offered a role in a gay sex film."

"No, general, this is serious."

"There's nothing more serious than cramming your goods into the butthole of another Peep while two cameras are rolling. I made a hard decision that day, no pun intended. A sterling military career or the fast cash and white snow candy of homosexual films. Serious, indeed, my young friend."

"General, the Sugar Bunnies are planning to invade Peep Village and wipe us out."

The room fell quiet for a moment.

"See how she changes the subject as soon as we press her," Beak said.

Everyone chimed in. "She's in denial."

"She's ashamed of being a Peep."

"She's ashamed of all of us."

"She wants to finger my butt and teach me what it's like to be a man," Longtail shouted.

The room fell quiet again, this time for different reasons.

"I heard the Sugar Bunnies plotting last night," Chirpy pleaded. "I saw them feed Skakey Tailfeather to a...beast that hatched from one of their eggs!"

"Oh, god, do you know what this means?" Beak cried.

"No more 'Two for Tuesdays' from the town whore," Longtail shook his beak mournfully.

"Do you know what else this means? The Sugar Bunnies are a lot farther along in their genetic experiments than we'd thought. Peep Village still hasn't recovered from last Easter. An attack from the Sugar Bunnies now could wipe us out for good. General, I think we need to mobilize the Peep armies."

"It won't be enough, lad." Longtail sifted through his files. "Pink Pussyfoot, I'm sending you on an urgent mission. It's our only hope to stop the Sugar Bunnies. It'll be one big shaft in the sphincter of the bunny forces."

"No, I'll go," Chirpy chirped. "I can't stomach any more of the general's scatology. It's not even double entendre, just one long single entendre."

"Long, wet and hard, Chirpy," Longtail nodded. "Long, wet and hard."

Later that day, Beak Featherbottom caught up with Chirpy before she left.

"You don't have to do this, you know. It's very dangerous."

"I've got to prove to you all that I CAN be Linda Ronstadt and still be a good Peep."

"Promise me you'll be careful, baby."

"I could promise you the moon or the sun or a foursome with my two sisters. But I won't. Why? First, eww. Second, because this could be our last night together. And tonight...just look me in the eyes, light a candle, and let's fuck like rabbits."

"Ooh, I love it when you talk dirty."

Meanwhile, at Sugar Bunny HQ...

"What's the news, Skip?"

"I don't know, Puffy. I think our dragon has an STD in his throat from swallowing that whore. Other than that, we're cool. Tomorrow, Peep Village burns."

Up next: Part 3 offers an interlude discussing the highly controversial History of the Cadbury Creme Egg.
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