funny humor column mcawesome

Enter the dragon

Part 4, War on the Floor III

by Dave McAwesome

Chirpy Orangebreast was on a mission. Her success or failure would save or doom Peep Village. She ran as fast as her limbless, marshmallow body would carry her. She would be there soon, but...where exactly? As she studied her map, a figure staggered towards her.

"Hey, chicky," he hiccupped.


"God of Thunder at your service, baby," he slurred, collapsing on the floor.

"Maybe you can help me. I'm--"

"Whoa, whoa, hold on sweet-tits. I got enough problems of my own. I'm in for a grand to Hades. That bastard's been pulling flushes and full houses out of his ass. And I'm down to my last flagon of Jaegermeister. Say,, you got any money on ya? I could use a few bucks, and I'm sure you could use a ride on the thunder god's lightning rod, eh?"

"Yich. You smell like Charlie Sheen."

"Now wait a min--" He passed out on a rock mid-sentence.

Chirpy pressed on.

Back at Peep Village, General Longtail finalized the defense plan with his assistant.

"Lurchmont Smallbrain!" Longtail cried.


army of peeps war on the floor
General Longtail and Lurchmont Smallbrain surveying the Peep Armies.

"My dear Lurchmont. How long have we stood wing to wing, general to assistant?"


"A long time indeed, chap. This day will see the deaths of many a brave Peep. I was thinking if we can hold the Sugar Bunnies' initial assault, we could move 3rd Army in a flanking maneuver by the dishwasher. What say you?"


"Haha! I'm beginning to like this crazy mixed up kid."

Meanwhile, just over the far ridge, the Sugar Bunny assault force prepared for battle.

"What d'you think, Puffy? Eye-patch or no eye-patch?"

"I'd lose the eye-patch, Skip. This is a major military/kitchen offensive. We do want to be taken seriously."

"Okay, but the Rambo headband stays."

"Absolutely. That looks sweet."

"Rockin. Send in the dragon."

dragon attacks peep village town

The dragon launched into the sky and dove towards the Peep ranks. She devoured some and ripped others to gooey shreds. The orderly rows of yellow, pink and blue Peep soldiers scattered amidst the carnage.

dragon attacking eating villagers
"Artillery! Commence firing on the main marshmallow catapult batteries!" Longtail screamed, rallying his troops to prevent a rout. "We need a miracle, Lurchmont, m'boy."

"Spah! Quink!"

"Amen, soldier."

Chirpy continued her trek through the mysterious and unknown kitchen plains. Eventually, she found a long shoebox. She knocked.

"Who dares disturb the land of the Millions of Unusually Small Creatures Lurking Everywhere?" asked a loud, deep voice.

"I am Chirpy Orangebreast. General Longtail sent me from Peep Village on an urgent request for aid," Chirpy replied.

"It is true, we have a mutual defense alliance with Peep Village, but first you must pass a test," boomed the loud, deep voice.

"That no one ever survives," added a small voice.

"That no one ever survives," corrected the loud deep voice.

Chirpy shuddered. "What kind of test?"

"A deadly, rigorous test of such mind-blowing rigor that you will be sore for days from all the rigor."

"And have a headache," added the small voice.

"And have a headache," corrected the loud, deep voice. Suddenly the loud, deep voice was less loud and deep and more conversational. "A rigorous headache."

"Deadly headache," added the small voice, which was not less small but had the same amount of smallness as before.

"Well, obviously a deadly headache," said the previously loud voice to the still small voice. "It's a deadly, rigorous test that no one ever survives, so if she's going to get a headache, OF COURSE it's going to be a deadly headache."

"You seemed so keen to explain how rigorous it was, that I thought you might want to reinforce the deadliness of it," countered the small voice.

"The deadliness is obvious. The rigor is not. It could be a deadly test that's very rigorous or a deadly test that's not rigorous whatsoever."

"Apart from the dying."

"She doesn't know how she'll die. It could be a quick, non-rigorous type of death or an extremely rigorous death that taxes one's level of rigor-handling. You see? The deadliness is obvious. She knows that. Say, Peep, don't you think the deadliness is obvious?"

"Okay, but what IS the test?" Chirpy was indeed getting a headache, possibly a deadly, rigorous kind.

"You must answer one question," the loud, deep voice returned to its loud, deep tenor.

Oh dear, thought Chirpy. She had tried to get on Jeopardy once, but that was years ago. She hadn't kept up on her trivia. And what if it were a spelling question? How many Ss were in Mississippi? Peep Village was depending upon her. What if she let them down? How could she ever change her name to Linda Ronstadt if she let them down? Linda Ronstadt wouldn't let down Peep Village. Hell, Peep Village might be burned to the floor by now. What then? She felt cold and alone.

"What," the loud, deep voice continued, "is 2 plus 3?"

Up next: What IS 2 plus 3? Part 5 conludes WOTF 3 in Math is a four-letter word.
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