funny humor column mcawesome

A Peep by any other name is still a Peep

Part 1, War on the Floor III

Attack on Peep Village

by Dave McAwesome

Chirpy Orangebreast yawned contentedly. She gazed down at Peep Village and chirped a morning song. The population was still recovering from the annual Easter cullings.

peep village war on the floor
Chirpy looked down upon a quiet and content Peep Village.

"Linda...hmm...Linda Orange. Or Linda Ormond. Or Linda Ronstadt," she mused to herself, as she made her way down to the village. She passed several fellow Peeps.

"Hi, Tweeter McPlumage," she said. "Hi Chirpy," he returned.

"Hi, General Longtail," she said, The general was on maneuvers and did not break stride as he nodded back to her.

"Hi Beak Featherbottom," she said, flapping her wings.

"Hey baby. We still on for tonight?"

"You bet."

"What're you doing today?"

After a pause, she said, "I'm thinking about changing my name."

"What? Why?"

Chirpy Orangebreast and Beak Featherbottom. Chirpy's C cup rack turns orange when her feathers are, shall we say, ruffled.

"Haven't you ever noticed how all our names are taken from parts of our bodies? Beak Featherbottom? You have a beak and a feathery bottom, sure. But so does every other Peep in Peep Village. I'm Chirpy Orangebreast. Every bird chirps, and, honestly, I hate that my name calls attention to my tits. Orangebreast? I mean, god. Fer crying out loud, the town whore is Shakey Tailfeather. It's ridiculous. What's wrong with having normal names like the humans do? Cher, Madonna, Beyonce, Linda?"

"Linda? That's a terrible name."

"You don't understand. I just want to be normal."

" still watching a movie tonight or does this mean no movie?"

"Ugh," Chirpy ughed. She walked out of the village. She and Beak would not be watching Rush Hour 2 after all.

"Stupid Beak Featherbottom. See if I ever raise my tail for him again," she muttered as she walked. Soon she noticed the sun was low in the sky. How could she have lost track of time so easily? She had been walking for hours. This was a land unfamiliar to her. Yet she had been warned about it. This...was the land of the Sugar Bunnies.

Up ahead, she saw a group of them talking. They hadn't seen her. She snuck in closer to hear them plotting.

"You're right, Puffy, the Peeps have always outnumbered us, but our bunny scientists have unlocked the genetic code to breed a new creature from our Cadbury Creme Eggs. Behold!"

cadbury creme egg dragon

"But Skip, it's just a Cadbury Creme Egg only bigger."

"Look more closely, Puffy." As he did, the egg cracked open. Ooze poured out. This was not the normal yolk-colored fondant typical of creme eggs. Two eyes glowed with fire. Chirpy moved closer to make out the shape emerging from the shell. It was horned and spiny. It growled with malice. Several of the sugar bunnies parted and Chirpy could see a small yellow peep, bound and gagged. "Shakey Tailfeather!" Chirpy gasped. The creature devoured her in one foul gulp. All that remained were flecks of body glitter and a nipple ring.

Chirpy ran back to Peep Village as fast as her marshmallow body would carry her. They must be warned, she thought. The name Linda Ronstadt would have to wait. Tonight, she remained Chirpy Orangebreast, advance scout of the Peep 3rd Army, 2nd Regiment.

"Lemme tell ya something, Puffy Roundtail," Skip Hoppington intoned, "I absolutely frickin love that our names are based on our body parts and natural habits."

"Me too, Skip."

armed rabbits bunny guns

Up next: Part 2 continues in One if by land, two if by creme egg.
Or go back to the main War on the Floor page.

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