The dirty leprechauns at Sober House have stolen my Lucky Charms…again. Every preview and commercial they showed for episode 3 was carefully, strategically plotted to build up an event that never happened. I, like an idiot couch monkey, ran to the TV screen and pressed my face against the warm, static-y glass to chase the banana they yanked from view when I got within a foot of the set. Lucky Charms, monkey/banana, carrot/stick…pick your metaphor; Dr. Drew fucked with us.[Continue Reading…]
Archives for January 2009
Tonight’s show takes place in Salt Lake City, Utah, home of David Archuleta, who failed to win last season’s competition, shaming himself and his father forever. Seacrest wonders if the people of Salt Lake will be as clean cut and kind as Little David. Sure, and they’ll also sing in a breathy voice and lick their lips a lot while wearing ugly print shirts from the KMart collection. Homogenization, thy name is American Idol. Hulk smash!
We open this episode with Ryan and Simon sitting cozily in the back seat of a car (probably not for the first time). They’re driving through Florida, looking for Swamp Thing or whatever, and Simon gives Ryan crap for talking funny. I don’t know what he’s on about. I think Simon just said it to start a fight so they can have makeup sex before the show. They bicker adorably, but before any lip-lockage happens, we go to credits. Sometimes TV is about what you don’t see, get it? This is American Idol. Buckle up, it’s the law.
Tonight’s show takes place at Churchill Downs, in Louisville, Kentucky, where short men—men shorter than Ryan, if you can believe such creatures exist—race horses around a track by striking them repeatedly with bendy sticks. Somehow that’s okay. But try punching a horse in the eye, especially when it’s drunk and saying mean things about your grandmother, and the next thing you know, PETA is all up in your grill. Our society is one complicated bitch. This is American Idol. The safe word is “hippopotamus.”
San Francisco, at various times, has been a haven for the free-spirited, the literally and figuratively gay, and the dirty hippies. It has been immortalized in song by both Tony Bennett and the Village People. And it has a bridge that figured prominently in the poster for Star Trek IV. That’s the funny one, with the whales. Now it’s being invaded by wannabe superstars and semi-talented oddballs. This is American Idol. Block this application.
The Nascar fantasy league is open.
edit: 50 signed up. League is full. Email me or sign up in the forum to get on the early sign-up list for the next league.
We are grateful to Frank. He watches Idol so we don’t have to. [Continue Reading…]
Last year, after 97 million votes were cast, David Cook became the winner of this dumb show. Now, we’re going back to his hometown of Kansas City for a round of auditions. If the location is somehow relevant, I’m not seeing it. Because, despite the dubious talents of Mr. Cook, this episode is full of the usual kooks, loons, and misanthropes. Welcome to the K.C., bitch. This is American Idol[Continue Reading…]