At long last, we’ve reached the end of Season 9’s audition cycle. And what have we learned? That tragedy is more important than talent. That having a bad day at some point in your life is just as good as a tragedy. That Ryan Seacrest looks best when dressed as a lesbian. That if you get lippy, the judges will call security on your ass. That it doesn’t pay to be a redneck. And that the Top 12 might very well end up the dullest in this show’s history. Unless they’re cast from people we’ve never seen, which is quite likely. This is American Idol. “Please do not offer my god a peanut.”
Tonight’s episode is a roundup, consisting mostly of unseen auditions from this season, with random inserts of contestants we’ve already seen this season, all in a desperate attempt to convince us this one is AWESOME! FUN! and THE BEST SEASON EVER! In fact, all that can truthfully be said about this season is that it is, indeed, on TV.
Ryan would like to remind us that “Pants on the Ground” was a thing that happened on this show, in the long-ago of last month. Also that in less than a week our nation of homemade comedians turned it into an assault weapon.
Jessica Furney auditioned last year and failed because she looked fat and sang the wrong song. Now she’s back, having shed a few pounds by wearing less baggy clothing. She’s also wearing Lisa Loeb’s face. Jessica sings “Footprints in the Sand,” a terribly gay song co-written by Mr. Simon Cowell. Her voice is perfectly fine and probably not much different from last year. However, not being fat means that she’s “improved,” so she’s through to Hollywood.
Amanda Shectman, 19, likes attention. She does a Britney Spears impersonation. She talks with her mouth closed (which I can do, too, so it’s nothing special). She’s wearing a low-riding halter top to show off the bikini tan lines on her chest. Beautiful. Her voice is a little Broadway, but totally adequate, and despite Simon finding her to be a bit of a drama queen (takes one to know one), Amanda pleads her way to a Golden Ticket. Then she fake-cries in the hallway about her voice shining through or whatever yip-yap. She’s a pest, but hopefully, we’ve seen the last of her.
An Idol Fact: A lot of people pretend they didn’t get Golden Tickets, only to suddenly reveal their good fortune after exiting the judging room with a faux-glum face. If anyone says they did this fake-out before Chris Daughtry, they’re a big, ugly liar. It’s thanks to Daughtry that such shenanigans prevail to this day. Remember and honor his valiant sacrifice.
You know who got a Golden Ticket? Rose Flack, the dirty barefoot hippie from last season. Let’s hope she’s wearing a flea collar this year.
An Idol Fact: Many people who auditioned in previous seasons will return in subsequent seasons to audition yet again. It’s not a myth!
Lacey Brown made it into the Top 50 last year, but when they got to the Chair of Judgment, Megan Joy was chosen to move forward instead. Life is an awful, mean-spirited bitch. Lacey looks like Lisa Rinna, except with human lips. She sings a unique version of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” Well, some say unique. I say wrong. But she’s talented and doesn’t have sores on her face, and that’s good enough for Hollywood.
Stephanie Fisher is 23 years old…
I’m not even joking you. Rejected.
Several allegedly talented individuals are put through to Hollywood, including: Demi Lovato-looking Girl, an Over-Singing Chubby Boy, and Girl Who Needs a Hairbrush.
At 6’8″, Adrian Chandtchi, 17, is a giant-sized giant, and although everyone is a large when compared to Our Dear Ryan, Adrian is just shy of chasing him down a beanstalk.
*He actually said this. I am not making it up.
Adrian enjoys singing, swimming, and creating packages of frozen mixed vegetables. Was that a cheap shot? Okay, he also likes climbing the Empire State Building and fighting biplanes. No? He’s huge. Also, he has a high-pitched Michael Jackson voice, only less masculine…less…testicular. The judges, in what’s surely a mistake, treat Adrian with kindness before sending him on his way — lest he crush them with his mighty foot.
Michael Lynche, 26, is a personal trainer. He will crush you with his mighty bicep. But despite looking like young Ving Rhames, he has the voice of an angel. Hollywood.
Didi Benami, 22, is auditioning on behalf of her dead best friend Rebecca. Her dead best friend Rebecca is why Didi is here today. Didi misses her dead best friend Rebecca. And singing “Hey Jude” while thinking of her dead best friend Rebecca makes Didi miss her dead best friend Rebecca all the more, as her dead best friend Rebecca is the person on whose behalf she is auditioning. Then she cries a lot. But: Hollywood.
Aaron Kelly, 16, would be cute as pie if he’d just stop tweezing his eyebrows. Why do the boys of today want to go around looking like Romulans? He comes to us with a Sob Story. Bad times at home. Social services called. Adopted as an infant by his aunt, who he calls “mom” because she raised him, which is perfectly fine. But what is up with the fucking eyebrows? As far as recasts of David Archuleta go, Aaron comes close, but he lacks the gosh-golly-shucks factor (and the power-mad father) that pushed David to the top. Still, the girls ‘n gays might vote for him if he stays past Hollywood, which is where he’s going.
Kimberly Bishop, 20, has “a really good heart,” and “would be very into recycling and helping kids in Africa.”
Kimberly graduated from the Paula Abdul School of What the Fuck!? She enters judging by letting Randy know that she “seen him on TV.” Yes, that would be his usual location. She sings “I Kissed a Girl” badly, while twisting around, stroking herself, and doing the pee-pee dance. “A seductive girl…” notes Kara. The judges don’t understand this creation, so Kimberly asks to be excused, and off she goes.
Shaddaii Harris is cute and likeable and brought along her mom, who tells us Shaddaii has “the gift to sing.” Unfortunately, Shaddaii’s gift got damaged in transit. She can’t put two notes together, and her audition is so bad, it’s almost hypnotic. Also (and still) hypnotic: Neil Patrick Harris (no relation to Shaddaii) in his sweater vest. Shaddaii is a vortex of random sounds, and is sadly (wonderfully) surprised to get booted. Awww. And ha!!
Hope Johnson, 19, had to “overcome a lot of poverty” growing up. Perhaps her parents could have helped by using contraception and not having eight frickin’ children. Things were so bad that she’d get free lunch at school and smuggle it home so her little brother could eat. Seriously, Mr. and Mrs. Johnson. Condoms are cheap. Anyway, Hope thought this sort of life was normal, so no biggie, except for crying about it now, on my sweet time. She sings some country-pop while being pretty and bland. Soon to be devoured by the beast called Hollywood.
And with that, auditions are fucking over. Look me in the eye, my friend. They’re over. We survived. Next week is the always short-changed Hollywood round, where everyone’s true (evil) colors come out, along with their lack of talent, and we might actually see the shadow of someone who’ll make the Top 12. But I make no promises.