I’m pacing myself for the season finale, so I’m not drinking this episode, but next week I’m getting blitzed. Oh. I guess that’s not ‘pacing.’
Heidi Fleiss has fled. The gang is returning from dinner. Kari Ann is carrying a large plant. It’s one of those braided money trees. She probably thinks that’s where money comes from, so she ganked one from the restaurant. This is the most work I’ve ever seen her do.
Kari Ann goes outside and takes her top off so Mike can paint on a bikini top. Loesha, the staffer on duty, calls them both inside. The whole context of this exchange…I can’t improve on it. Loesha: “How is that appropriate in any way?” Kari Ann: “There’s parties all the time–” Loesha: “This isn’t a party!” This ain’t no disco; this ain’t no foolin’ around. Okay, so I can improve on it a little.
Kari Ann is sent to her room. Then Lisa dishes to Loesha that Kari Ann had been flashing “all the boys” at dinner. Loesha confronts Kari Ann about this fresh new nugget and, once again, Kari Ann is confused why this is a problem. If she wasn’t a manipulative jerk and her confusion was genuine, she would be hysterically funny.
Shelly comes in and tells Mike and Kari Ann to pack their stuff and report to the administration office. (Quick aside: Clue me in here. Shirley is the administrator. Drew is not. Yet the administration office sits Drew in the Big Chair behind the Big Desk and Shirley gets a cafeteria chair?) Both Mike and Kari Ann signed behavioral contracts meaning if they violate the terms with their actions, then they can be kicked out. Shelly believes they should both get the boot. Drew believes he and his production team need them to stay for ratings and the subsequent spin-off, Mike and Kari Ann’s Sober Beach House. To Shelly’s credit, she stands up to Drew and says the unit is unraveling. Heidi is still AWOL. Kari Ann is slutting around. Mike is painting boobies. Tom and Dennis are watching. Dogs and cats are living together. It’s mass hysteria.
Meanwhile, Lisa, Mack and Mindy debate who is most at fault in the boobie painting incident. The consensus is that Kari Ann should be tossed into the ocean after it’s been properly chummed.
The verdict. Mike and Kari Ann get a 24 hour room restriction. That’s it. They can’t leave their room for 24 hours. So…lessee…this Kari Ann person who has no boundaries and who pushes the boundaries of others has learned that the consequences for breaking her behavioral contract…can also be pushed. Okay.
“The integrity of the program is being diluted by the lack of consequences,” says Mack, who traveled to the future, read my recap, then traveled back in time to say that (and to kill John Connor). This group session is great because the girls tee off on Kari Ann, the boys defend her because she showed them her used up private bits, and Shelly is outside the door pumping her fist, “I told you the unit is unraveling.” Rather than deal with any of these issues, Drew summarizes, “Today they learned an important lesson about consequences.” “Yeah, there are none,” I say snarkily to the pillow next to me while jabbing it with my elbow. “Ha! See that?”
For your recapping convenience, the cast of Celebrity Rehab is: Lisa D’Amato (America’s Next Top Model contestant), Heidi Fleiss (Hollywood madam), Joey Kovar (Real World Hollywood), Mindy McCready (country singer), Kari Ann Peniche (former Miss Teen USA), Mackenzie Phillips (One Day at a Time), Dennis Rodman (NBA crossdresser), Mike Starr (former bassist of Alice in Chains), Tom Sizemore (Heat, Saving Private Ryan).
Later that day, the gang visits Shields for Families. Kari Ann freaks out because it involves kids. Once again, Drew caves and she gets her way as always. Drew, you are really coming up small this season.
The kids talk about how their mothers chose drugs over them. For an unexplained reason, the kids don’t actually say these things. They’re in the same room as our dear E-listers, but their stories have been pre-recorded, so everyone watches the interviews on TV. I dunno, it’s just odd. They could’ve dropped in a line of narration that the emotional stories would’ve been too much to do in front of strangers. Just tell us something. Instead, it’s just another one of these moments without any context. Regardless, the kids have all been through miserable times and everyone is moved. A Q&A follows.
We learn Heidi was in a car accident, and we’re treated to another one of these fake mock-up newspapers. This one has a stretched out Arial font on the cover that no graphic designer in their right mind would ever use on a real newspaper. (Community newspapers are excepted, of course. They’re usually 32 pages of awful.) Bob meets Heidi and they check out her car together. Nobody was hurt despite multiple car flips. Heidi comes back with Bob since there are only two days left of treatment.
For the umpteenth time, Kari Ann doesn’t want to go to a meeting so she curses everyone and calls her manager to pick her up. Mindy follows her outside and tries to convince the bitch to stay, but no luck. Now Kari Ann is yelling at her manager on the phone. Eventually, two of Kari Ann’s friends show up. One is identified as “Rockstar,” and he is wearing what looks like a mink hand muff on each of his elbows. He’s definitely one of those “I hang at the Roxy” douches. Tool was right. LA can go drown.