Will a doctor’s dismissal of rules and consequences in Celebrity Rehab mean a smooth transition to sober living? Of course not. That’s why it’s on TV.
The first season of Sober House was all about manipulating previews. They over-promised and under-delivered. I’m expecting more of the same this season. Speaking of previews, we’re six minutes into the eposide before we get the first second of actual show.
Jennifer Gimenez, actress and former model (and I do mean former–like, a lifetime and 100 pounds ago kind of former), is the head of this sober living house. She has lost a lot of weight since season 1. It’s still not enough, but I’m a prick.
According to the previews, there’s going to be a lot of bathing suits and Tom Sizemore spitting. Tom and Mike are going to have a heated verbal altercation at some point. Jennifer is going to be crying several times. Good times. I’m going to refer to her as Jen G. because there’s another Jennifer in the house. Hm. At least until I abandon this show after episode 2 which is very, very likely.
Let’s meet our cast who hail from Celebrity Rehab 3 and Sex Rehab.
Tom Sizemore. You may remember him as the doughy guy in Heat and the doughy guy in Saving Private Ryan. Now he’s just a doughy addict. A wet, overweight, doughy sack of flesh. Jen G. finds a crack pope in Tom’s bag. Tom acts surprised. “Addicts lie,” Jen G. says. But Tom tests clean.
Heidi Fleiss. Hollywood madam. I hope her birds get cameos this season as they did in Celeb Rehab. “I have the worst taste in men,” she says as she ignores former beau Tom Sizemore. She has the worst taste in clothes too.
Jennifer Ketchum. Formerly known as porn star Penny Flame. I’ll call her Jenny K. because I’m unoriginal and lame. Jenny K. is a recovering sex addict. Jen G. welcomes her and then interviews, “I can take away any drugs, but how do I take away someone’s desire to have sex?” Naked pix of yourself? Sorry, that was mean, but you tossed up a big fat softball, Jen G.
Kendra Jade Rossi. Former porn star. Sex addict. Alcohol addict. Lip implant addict. Over application of make-up addict.
Mike Starr. Former bassist of Alice in Chains. Haha, the fake magazine they create for the headline of Mike getting kicked out of AiC is Spinning Magazine. Mike relapsed in the week between Celeb Rehab and Sober House, but Drew is still letting him in the house. Mike gives a weird interview snippet about how, essentially, all the other addicts in the house are wusses because they’re ‘only’ alcohol, amphetamine and pot addicts. “I don’t want to make light of anything, but I’m a heroin addict. That’s heavy.” “I don’t want to make light of Pearl Harbor, but I directed Alone in the Dark,” Uwe Boll might say. Mike is going to be a dick this season. But not as much of a dick as…
Kari Ann Peniche. Miss Worst Person on the Planet for two years running. She tests positive for meth and denies it. Jen G.: “We can just move forward.” Welcome to Planet Drew. You are now entering No Consequence City.
Dennis Rodman. His entire wardrobe consists of Christian Audigier/Ed Hardy t-shirts. Five years from now, people are going to look back and say, “I can’t believe idiots wore those fugly shirts.” At their best, these shirts have completely random, indecipherable artwork printed all over them. At their worst, they add glitter. It’s glitter for men. It cracks me up that wanna-be-alpha-meatheads wear glitter. I imagine the designers are all locked up like Father Karras in Exorcist III. They scribble inchoate nonsense on the padded walls which are then turned into $65 t-shirts at a usurious markup.
Dennis has to sign the house rules just like everyone else. “Don’t need to,” he says. “Yes you do.” “No I don’t.” Several minutes of this. Riveting TV it is not.
Seth “Shifty” Binzer. Of the hilariously untalented band Crazy Town. He will not be joining us this episode, but he will reprise his role of ‘incurable crack addict #2′ later this season.
The Sober House itself is rather magnificent. It also offers a sweeping vista of the Los Angeles smog. “I’m sure they’ll find something to complain about,” Bob Forrest laughs as he arrives with Dr. Drew for a Sober House intro speech titled, “So your career is over and you’re on the worst reality show imaginable.” The working title had been: “E-listers: How to make the most out of your reality show appearance now that your Q-score has slipped below the guidos from Jersey Shore.”
Jen G. tells Kari Ann to go downstairs with the group so Drew can address everyone. She’s in bed and doesn’t want to get up. She needs juice, time to get up, and time to put herself together (which is a process that includes zipping up her human suit stuffed full of bat guano and cockroaches). Fucking juice. Like she needs a Capri Sun shoved in her mitts in order to function. I’m done recapping her bullshit complaints and assholery. I’m using a shortcut. The shortcut phrase is: “I hope an asteroid falls on her head.” Juice? Jen G. says absolutely not, get up.
She updates the group about the delay. Jenny K., who was in Sex Rehab with Kari Ann laughs, “She’s so consistent!”
Drew voice overs: “It remains to be seen if this level of care is appropriate for her.” The level of care appropriate for her is an asteroid falling on her head. You think I’m exaggerating for a cheap laugh? She is the Worst Person in the Universe. She makes Stalin seem charming.
Jen G. agrees with me: “She’s either coming off drugs or she’s a serious psycho.” And you know she thinks it’s the latter.
Dennis signs the form, and all is well in Sober House for the last five seconds of the episode.