I am writing to you from the future. Greetings and good tidings. While you savor the fruits of a well-deserved recession, I am happily one year in the future, sitting on the monuments of financial ruin and enjoying circumstances only slightly less terrible. There are still no air cars.
I do feel it is my duty to warn you that there are rumors of a Transformers reboot. If it is any consolation, it will probably compete for eyeballs with Mad About You: The Divorce Years and a Scooby-Doo/Cthulhu mashup. In sum, everything’s horrible, people are angry, and revolution is in the air.
My solution to save the Transformers franchise is simple: Dinobots vs. Smurfs. In 3D. I wanna see blue guts flying out of the screen towards my uncomfortable viewing glasses. In fact, my solution for most things these days fits the Dinobots vs. formula. Dinobots vs. Nicolas Cage, Dinobots vs. that slow driver in front of me, Dinobots vs. my electric bill, Dinobots vs. lack of air cars. It solves a lot.
I have other important news from the future: The beer is colder. It has been in the refrigerator for many more days than in the lukewarm present, and it is delicious. I don’t care what the Germans say about room temperature suds. We may trust their automotive engineering, but they are lagging behind American ingenuity on refrigerated beer and Kardashians.
I need to stop here and say that the thing I said about a Scooby-Doo/Cthulhu mashup was made-up, but goddamn that would be a great idea. Like if Fred completely lost his mind by the end of the movie and Velma turned into a cultist and summoned the Dunwich Horror. And Shaggy and Scooby got stoned in the van, because, you know, there’s really nothing else to do when the Old Ones have awakened. It’s out of my hands. I’m here in the future. You, however, have a choice. To you dear people living in the boring present, do whatever you can to make the Scooby-Doo/Cthulhu mashup possible. When I wake up tomorrow, I expect to see At the Mountains of Scooby or The Lurking Doo available to add to my Netflix queue. Get to it.