We’ve waited breathlessly for this moment. Well, maybe we weren’t breathless. And maybe we weren’t really waiting, so much as dreading. But Hollywood Week is upon us, along with a new permanent fourth judge to replace the dearly, departed, deranged, and daffy Miss Paula Abdul. Don’t know who the newbie is? Read a magazine, for crying out loud! I have a friend who doesn’t know who Lady Gaga is. There is no excuse for pop culture illiteracy. I don’t mind if you can’t read, but if you’ve never heard (or heard of) “Poker Face,” we’re gonna have a problem. This is American Idol. “Me fail English? That’s unpossible.”
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American Idol Hollywood: Acoustick It Up Your Arse
February 10, 2010 By
American Idol Hollywood: A Freak By Any Other Name…
February 8, 2009 By
It’s the second night of the Hollywood Round — specifically, the always-engrossing Group Night. Seacrest promises us tears, triumphs, and tragedies. I’d also like him to promise us Jason Voorhees chasing these idiots with a machete, but alas, Ryan likes to keep the viewers wanting more. Judging from teaser, however, there will be these things: Big gay hissyfits, backstabbings, f-bombs, and at least one skank. This is American Idol. Camp Crystal Lake is jinxed!
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American Idol Hollywood: Eye of the Liger
February 5, 2009 By
Like a plague of locusts, the Golden Ticket-holders descend upon Hollywood, California. Their goal: to suck our souls dry with their singing and their boringness and their yuck. What a non-starter crowd we have this year. A whole lot of nothing that adds up to zero. Sure, the freaks are gone — mostly — but they’ve been replaced by human static. White noise made flesh. I almost long for the days of Sanjaya Malakar and Matt Rogers. This is American Idol. It wants no straps.
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