E3 2009: only read this after you’ve geeked out on positivity

One of this site’s super top secret agents sent me pictures from E3. I was all set to post them. Then I got sick. In spring, right? I mean who gets sick in the spring? If it were swine flu, at least I could’ve earned a badge of honor, but this was one of those non-badge-earning sicknesses.  Not herpes, of course, because that’s the badge that keeps on badging. But maybe an unoriginal strain of the common cold. Like if Kanye West made a batch of common cold (KanyeWestchulism). Like that. Unoriginal, boring yet delusionally self-important.

KanyeWestchulism knocked me out longer than the regular, garden variety Run/DMC common cold, so I’ll give him mad props for that, and then life got in the way. You know that thing? Life? Gets up all in yer business like a popped-collar wearing douchebag from North Jersey? And you’re like, whoa, Life. Back the eff up. I wasn’t talking to your girl. You and Miss STD can hang all you want. I’m headin to a bar with a more favorable human-to-bacteria ratio. (Haha, I was just thinking how funny it would be if those motards could read. You keep trying, kiddies. Remember, ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘douchebag’ where there’s no ‘i’, just ‘u.’)

That’s life, eh? An illiterate motard with poor fashion sense and enough gel to fuel an entire city block. I have no idea where this analogy is going. I think it has something to do with E3. Anyway, after getting sick, my liver had recovered enough to get drunk several times over. I am several beers into my frequent drinker card the end of which will net me a t-shirt of questionable quality.

Then I lost it.

How the hell am I supposed to upload photos of E3 when my time is better spent searching for my frequent drinker card? Have my staff do it, you say? Posh! Who do you think I sent looking for my card? This search effort (using every bit of knowledge gleaned from CSI: Las Vegas plus the Angelina Jolie grid method we learned from Bone Collector) ate up approximately a week and a half, during which time I began a second frequent drinker card.

I am happy to report that the original frequent drinker card has been located and, after a brief five-minute period where I lost track of the second card, has been united with its twin to form a longer card (or else two separate cards…which would be redeemed for two horrifically overpriced t-shirts instead of just one).

Ah, yes, so the photos. Our secret agent was so kind as to produce captions for them. I included them ‘as is’ for the most part, choosing not to dilute (or amplify) his negativity. We both like video games, but we like to rag on gamers (and ourselves) too. I mean, they’re fun and all, but we don’t take them as seriously as those of you who spend the GDP of Finland on your World of Warcraft accounts.

Global recession be damned, the big Babel-esque banners of E3 were back.

Fanboys were out in full force, photographing every booth babe and costumed character in sight.

The "original" car from Ghostbusters was on hand. Not because the show was haunted, but because the stars of the film are desperate for work. When's the last time Dan Ackroyd was funny? Late 80s? I hope Ray Parker Jr. is getting a little cashola from this.

The aisles were less crowded this year. This is one of only 15 existing E3 photos without a scantily clad booth babe.

The surviving Beatles held tryouts for the upcoming White MP3 tour. Ugh, Guitar Hero and Rock Band. Am I crotchety if I reminisce about air guitar in the shower?

No expense was spared. That blow-up Samurai cost almost $7.

Rock out with your blocks out. How is it possible that Lego Rock Band did not include "Pieces of You" and "Another Brick in the Wall" on the playlist?

Video game voters network. Further proof that the voting age should be raised to 35. Yeah, we really need a bunch of immature fanboys going out to vote because some dumb politician digs Halo and thinks casual gaming is super weak.

I hate the idiot standing next to this car.