Facebook Causes: Choosing the Right One not to Give a Shit About.

For anyone who is familiar with Facebook they know that an important part of building their online profile is by joining the right causes and groups that are featured throughout the social network. This process serves a very important purpose in that it allows the world to see what kind of pompous, self righteous asshole you are while at the same time making you feel good about yourself for an entire 30 seconds after you click to join the cause.It also helps spread “awareness”. Take for example the cause against the live skinning of animals in China. When you receive the invite for this group you are now aware that they are skinning animals in China and by joining the cause you are telling the world that you are outraged. Process over however, since chances are you are a shallow bastard who never gives it a second thought. Your “awareness” will never actually save an animal in China and the only reason you joined the cause in the first place is because you didn’t want your friend who invited you to the cause to think you were some kind of sadistic idiot that doesn’t care about the fate of animals in China. (Still feel good about your self jerk?)

When I browsed through all the groups and causes on Facebook I was genuinely amazed by the sheer amount of bullshit that people actually cared about. I was also amazed by the number of people who would join one group versus another. There is one group called “I’d do Jessica Alba” which had 47,910 members whereas another group called “I Flip my Pillow Over to get to the Cold Side” had 824,882 members! What kind of world do we live in when there are more people who care about flipping their pillow over than doing Jessica Alba? A terrible, ugly and desolate world I would say. But it doesn’t end there, the are 43,987 members of One Million Australians, a group which wants 1 million Australians to feel sorry for what they did to the Aboriginals and apologize. It would seem that there are 956,000 Australians who say fuck the Aboriginals.

There are plenty of religious groups as well, “100,000,000 Christians Worship God!” has 810,905 members so I guess there are millions of Christians out there somewhere worshiping a golden calf in the desert. Then there is “Let’s see how many Christians there is at Facebook!!” which boasts 90,582 grammatically challenged members. If religion is not your thing you can always sign a petition for coloured profiles on Facebook which I can only assume was started by a group of Myspace refugees who feel lost without theme music and shitty graphics on their page. So far it has 1,221,741 members so fuck you once again Aboriginals of Australia, you want your land back? Tough shit, we want pretty Facebook profiles. Still not what you are looking for? Try “I bet I can find 1,000,000 people who want peace”. Whoever started that group has so far lost the bet but it is encouraging to know that there are 1,338,567 people who think you look like a dumbass in Crocs!

On a final note I would like to mention that while it is encouraging that a group like “Feed a Child With Just a Click” has 3,907,479 members it is overshadowed by the over 7 million members who have joined one of the many groups calling for action against the new Facebook layout. I can just imagine the conversation at home: “Honey did you know that over 18,000 children throughout the world starve to death every day?” “Really dear, that’s terrible, but there is something much worse, Facebook has changed their layout!” “We must do something right away!” “I have an idea; let’s start up a cause on Facebook itself against their stupid changes, that’ll teach them!!”

Great job dipshits. Facebook 1, world hunger 0.

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