Shreddies: Winning the War on Flatulence

Along with every generation there comes a man whose inventive ingenuity will both change the course of history and completely re-shape the future. Men such as Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein, Leonardo Da Vinci and the Wright brothers have all impacted our lives greater than we can ever imagine.  While we have seen great leaps in technological advancement over the past few decades we have yet to find the man in our generation who will reshape our future, until now that is. Meet Paul O’Leary, a man with such great insight and intelligence, only he could bring us Shreddies, the first ever anti-flatulence underwear.

At this point I imagine most of you are thinking: “Brad, how on earth did you ever stumble across these Shreddies? Do you suffer from extreme flatulence?” Allow me to explain. On a recent trip to London while riding in a black cab and busily trading millions of dollars in oil futures on my Blackberry I noticed out of the corner of my eye an advertisement which read “Do you suffer from flatulence?” “No” I thought to myself, “I do not suffer from flatulence, but I bet that in country which is famous for drinking excessive quantities of beer, crappy rich food and eating baked beans at breakfast there are quite a few people that do.” As I read through the ad I quickly realised that a man named Paul O’Leary had invented a new type of underwear that filtered the bad smell out of farts and wanted to sell them to a country full of people who enjoy nothing more than gassing their colleagues in the elevator. “Brilliant” I thought, “here is a man who has not only identified a problem but has found an ingenious solution”. The British are race who are loathe to give up their traditions and no amount of Jamie Oliver or Gordon Ramsey cooking shows will get them to renounce a good plate of bangers and mash together with a few pints of bitter.

 

With this in mind Mr. O’Leary came up with the incredible idea to take technology from anti-chemical warfare uniforms and apply it to the back side of a pair of underpants. Finally millions of Brits could fart to their hearts content without the fear of embarrassment as long as they kept things silent.  This is the only drawback to Shreddies, while they do filter out the odour, they do not prevent you from making the walls vibrate or stop your friends from falling over with laughter. I would also have to add that while you have eliminated the social stigma of releasing green clouds into the air from your ass they do potentially pose other problems, especially in intimate situations.  Imagine that your about to go out on a date to an Indian restaurant and you are pretty sure you’ll get lucky that night.  Do you wear your Shreddies to avoid potentially blowing your chances during the car ride home yet risk exposure as a chronic ass whistler while you’re getting undressed? What do you do if while undressing your partner you realise they have a pair on and you are suddenly forced to contemplate an evening of successive Dutch ovens.  These are tough question, however if you suffer from excessive flatulence and you have no chance of ever getting laid anyway, Shreddies could be for you.

 

For complete info and cool diagrams depicting green gas bubbles being filtered through multiple layers of cotton and carbon check out: www.myshreddies.com

    Comments

    1. LMAO!!! Wow….will wonders never cease! 😉

    2. TheGabe says:

      As an Englishman, I resent the “crappy rich food” remark! When you live in a country where it rains this much, carbohydrates and drugs are really the only answer.
      Also, is the name Shreddies not already copyrighted etc?

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