Rain, mud and misery. This is rugby football. It’s also Celebrity Fit Club.
“I can’t wait for this to be over so I can pig the fuck out,” bleeps Sebastian. You know what? I’m going to stop doing the ‘bus’ section because it gets shorter and shorter every episode.
Harvey looks them over and says last week’s weigh-in was a disappointment. On the way to this week’s obstacle challenge, Sebastian says he invited the team for a run/hike during the week but Tanisha txted/cancelled at the last minute. This will become important in a minute.
It’s raining. The teams have to drag boxes up a steep hill and then build a tent to cover them. Tanisha lags behind in the beginning, but eventually catches up. Blue Team gets their stuff up firts while the Red Team’s Bobby Brown stares at the ground. The tent directions confuse everybody, however, and you wonder how these Hollywood nitwits can even operate a microwave safely.
The Red Team is Jay McCarroll (Project Runway), Bobby Brown (not related to Charlie), Nicole Eggert (Baywatch but not Babewatch 1 through 16) and Shar Jackson (Moesha).
The Blue Team is Kaycee Stroh (High School Musical), Sebastian Bach (Skid Row), Kevin Federline (Britney Spears’ ex) and Tanisha Thomas (Bad Girls Club).
Red Team gets their act (and tent) together, but Blue Team’s Sebastian gets frustrated and takes it out on a cameraman. Nice. Because I’m sure when he woke up in the morning he wanted to be shooting outside in the rain so he could get shoved by Sebastian Bach.
At the dead weight vote, Sebastian brings up the hiking “date.” I use quotes not to call editorial attention to the word ‘date,’ as I’ve done here, but only because it is Sebastian’s own word choice. A hiking “date.” Sebastian and Tanisha go off on each other. “You gonna look at a black girl and tell her ‘f-bleep her weave’? Them’s fightin’ words,” she interviews. She loves her weave. Probably more than food, and that’s saying something. I wonder to myself if Tanisha’s line is going to hold up as the funniest moment of the show (which would be sad, really).
Harvey gives all four Blue Teamers dead weight duty. They have to carry all the stuff back down the hill. Thus the cycle of pointlessness is complete. Sebastian and Tanisha go off again, nastier than before. “If you want to have a crazy contest, I can win,” boasts Sebastian. Celebrity Crazy Contest is my proposal for a new spin-off.
Later that night, Tanisha goes to the men’s barracks and asks Sebastian to talk about what happened. “In the rain?” asks Sebastian. They go to the gym. “I just wanted to move on, forget about it and not speak,” Sebastian interviews. They speak. “Tanisha took the high road,” interviews Sebastian after the talk. “I guess you could say she was the bigger man.” God, he’s so much better recapping this than I am.
Rhonda drags the gang in the rain and into the loung. Barracks, mess hall, gym, lounge. Is this boot camp or a resort? There’s popcorn too. No salt or butter. “It’s like, I should’ve just eaten a cardboard box in the shape of popcorn,” says Jay. Damn, he’s better at recapping too.
Each of the gang has a family member or significant other lend them support from the giant glowing television teat. Couldn’t have been Sanford and Son reruns, eh? We get to Kevin, and look, it’s the new girlfriend. Close up on Shar, who’s turning green. The producers could’ve picked anybody–family, friends, any one of his two dozen spawn–but they chose the new girlfriend which is both awesome and a little evil. Shar, damn, gotta go to internet dating or something. You’re on a damn TV show. Doesn’t that get you bonus points on Match dot com? Then Shar’s daughter comes on the tube. Her advice? Start dating again, mom. Damn straight.
They beat the horns. They beat the gong from episode 2. They beat Harvey. They’re all waiting in the rain for Harvey. “I’m freakin bloody motivated,” Harvey says with a huge smile. Then he leads them inside, so all that standing in the rain was for nothing.
A dance hall has appeared in the camp, answering my question earlier about boot camp vs. resort. Two dance instructors go through some lame routine that looks like a cross between Stomp and patty cake. Sebastian: “Rockers don’t dance.” Preach it, brother. Indeed, Sebastian sucks at dancing, but he gets into it and it’s yet another new low in the history of hair metal.
Once again, another boring weigh-in session. Tanisha’s line did hold up to be the funniest moment of the show. And it is sad. Really.
Let’s get this over with:
Kaycee. 185 lbs. -5 lbs. Still fat. Sorry. She asks her team’s permission to be a bitch. Harvey doesn’t like this because leaders don’t ask permission. They send sheep into mortar fire.
Nicole. 124 lbs. -2 lbs.
Tanisha. 229 lbs. -7 lbs.
Jay. 240 lbs. -4 lbs.
Kevin. 218 lbs. -4 lbs.
Shar. 140 lbs. +0 lbs. She has not been on a date in the 5 years since Federline. Felt like she needed her daughter’s permission to start dating again. Rhonda thinks this is super because she has the IQ of a turnip.
Bobby. 192 lbs. -5 lbs.
Sebastian. 214 lbs. -3 lbs. Missed his goal by 1 pound. He apologies to the cameraman he physicalled earlier, but not personally–just an apology “to whoever it was” which is like 1/4 of an apology. About Tanisha, “when somebody says ‘f-bleep you’ to me, that is my usual reaction.” Rhonda: “Because what do you hear?” Sebastian: “I hear ‘f-bleep you.’” Rhonda: “But what does it mean to you?” Sebastian: “It means ‘f-bleep you.’ What part of f-bleep you don’t you get?” “I swear you have a spaceship double-parked outside,” says Harvey. Then…uh…what does Rhonda drive?
So far, Blue Team is ahead. The individual leader is Kevin. Next week: pugil sticks, so this show better improve 67%.