We start in Mike Starr and Joey Kovar’s room. Mike does not want to wake up. Dr. Drew flies in to tell us that detox is a huge no fun zone. If you didn’t know that already, you wouldn’t have tuned in to this show. Maybe VH1 thinks they’ll get a tax credit if they push the edumahcation on the show. Still no sign of Tom Sizemore. Let’s sit back and crack open a Miller Lite.
In the group session, Bob Forrest, who is usually awesome, decides now is the time to shatter our image of him by uttering this precious nugget, “There’s a low, a really bad spot. It’s called the bottom.” Thanks, Bob. It would’ve been awesome if you said that in a sarcastic, condescending tone to these witless half-celebs, but you were serious. Like they have no earthly idea what the ‘bottom’ is. Oh, wait, maybe that’s awesomer.
They go around the room sharing their lowest moments. I lean in to hear if Bob gives us another definition. “A ‘low’ is the opposite of a high…A ‘joint’ is the first thing you need to write a song…A ‘career’ is something none of you currently have.” But he doesn’t.
Dennis Rodman has never hit bottom. We know because he says so. By definition, we must conclude that he’s never hit a high either. If you don’t have one, you can’t have the other, so Rodman’s life has been one boring straight line of creamy middle. No low. No high. All those NBA Championships? Meh. Every sexual encounter? Meh. Stubbing a toe on a door jamb? Meh. No one explains these implications to him, and I doubt Rodman has ‘meh’ tattooed on his arm somewhere, so it’s a wasted moment.
Back to Mike. He’s cursing the cameras, breaking his bedroom lamp, saying he wants to die. Then he starts puking. Every inch of floor between his bed and the wall (I’m guessing two feet?) is covered in puke. It runs the length of the bed too. This isn’t light-weight vomit either. This is that heavy, dense, can-o-beans kinda puke. Mike’s corn on the cob supper of the previous night is now floor stew. Shelly freaks out, which is a rare show of emotion for her outside of cold disinterest. Roommate Joey has done so much coke that he can’t even smell it. Poor Shelly has to clean it, and Joey tells her there’s now corn all over the washing machine from the puked-on bed sheet. Still no sign of Tom Sizemore.
Later in the day, the gang is hanging outdoors in some pseudo-therapeutic-tv session led by Shelly. Dennis Rodman informs us that “alcohol is not gonna kill me.” As far as I’m concerned, this should be the next Celebrity Rehab spin-off: Things that May or May Not Kill Dennis Rodman. Vote for your possible implement of death now! I’m going with ‘piano from 6th floor window.’
Dr. Drew says Rodman has to do community service, this according to Rodman’s own lawyer. The lawyer hadn’t told him that, says Captain Impervious. Hm, could this be Rodman hitting bottom? No, Rodman has never hit bottom.
Rodman gets to do a bunch of his community service at Drew’s clinic while in rehab, so into the kitchen he goes to clean some pots and pans. He’s not happy. Is this Rodman hitting bottom? No, Rodman has never hit bottom. Guess what else? He’s not very good at washing dishes. I don’t know how someone can fail at washing dishes, but Rodman does it.
Meanwhile, amongst the non-dish-washing celebrities, Mike Starr is stalking the grounds. He’s non-verbal, he gets in the face of a cameraman, and he’s three shades of crazy. There’s some talk about Mike getting kicked out because he smashed the lamp, but Dr. Drew waves his hand in front of Bob and Shelly, “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.” But something’s just not right with Mike. “He’s not right,” Shirley the administrator agrees. She says Drew should call the cops and take him to the hospital, but we know right away that’s not going to happen. How? Because they would’ve shown that clip 15 times already. Celebrity Rehab is very big on showing clips, you see. Ten percent of each show consists of showing a clip about what’s going to happen 30 seconds after the clip. It’s the ultimate show for a generation with zero short-term memory. The clip we do see ad naseum is Mindy having a seizure.
Still no sign of Tom Siz…oop, here comes a little montage. Tom’s face is plastered under a fake headline on a fake newspaper called This Week’s News. I swear to christ, the Celebrity Rehab producers will do anything not to have to go to the library. Bob Forrest leaves to pick up Tom. For a reason he doesn’t explain adequately, he stands out in the street waiting for Sizemore to come out. All of a sudden, the cameras are way, way back, peering around a hedge and row of parked cars. What are we doing here? Are we picking up Tom Sizemore or stalking him? Bob and Tom drive away, and then Tom bolts out of the car into a store. Bob chases him. Man, this is just like Heat. I don’t get what’s happening. Has Tom not signed the release form to appear on the show? Bob looks around back and finds a burned out dumpster. He says this would be a great place to use, and you can almost see the demon on his shoulder telling him to find his old dealer.
At Dr. Drew’s Pasadena Recovery Center, Mindy McCready and Mackenzie Phillips are chatting in their bedroom. Mindy is discussing her one-on-one session with Drew. Then she freezes, rolls off the bed and shakes on the floor. Mack thinks this is the funniest thing since the South Park Imaginationland special. Mid-guffaw, she realizes this may not be Mindy’s Joe Cocker impersonation, and she runs to get the nurse.
Next episode…Tom Sizemore? Maybe?