Someone left Coors Light in my fridge, so let’s celebrate episode 3 with the lightest of light beers and one of my least favorite drinks. Coors Light is like tap water but ruined. Still no sign of Tom Sizemore.
In the opening recap of episode 2, Heidi Fleiss says she left Tom Sizemore’s house with her head split open. To quote the internets, “Pix or it didn’t happen.” The snapshot they do show has no head-splitting content. For the wow factor, we instead see poor Mindy McCready having a seizure. Mackenzie Phillips doesn’t realize at first, so she laughs and claps like one of those wind-up monkeys with the cymbals. Seizure humor is awesome.
End of day 4.
Mindy, it turns out, is not faking. She is not, as Mackenzie had hoped, working on new material for her new one-woman show: Spaz. Will (the resident tech) comes in with a pillow. He reaches down over Mindy who is convulsing on the floor. It’s Chief and Nicholson from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest all over again. Run free, Chief. Run free.
And then…whoa, who pulled up Mindy’s shirt? Will, there are laws against this. Mindy is carted out to the ambulance and Dennis Rodman runs out to her side. He’s “here for you,” like, you know, if you were to take a jumper at the top of the key and brick it, he will totally grab that rebound.
Back inside, Mack says she’s seen people overdose, go into seizure and die. Mack, Will and Lisa laugh. I do too. I never expected black, absurdist comedy on Celebrity Rehab. I thought that was my job as the viewer. Man, tv does everything.
Mindy returns hours later with a dislocated shoulder (from falling off her bed during the seizure). “How sweet was Dennis?” she coos. The only thing sweet about Dennis Rodman is his blood sugar after a protein bar (assuming they hand out protein bars at tattoo parlors)…and…um…that’s just a bad joke on my part. The point is, Dennis is not sweet.
There’s not much of a through line in this episode. Lots of random stuff. Mike Starr slept through the whole thing last night. Heidi has covered the whole wall around her bed with pictures of her parrots. Dr. Drew: “Heidi’s strange obsession with birds is masking deeper issues.” Like, what? Psychotic rage? They’re just parrots. Let her have her pets. Heidi says something about how she was trained by “nasty women” and all I can think of is Amazon warriors fighting Conan the Barbarian. What’s that masking, Drewski?
At the group session, the topic is money. I look over at a pile of bills on my coffee table. Yep, I can sure use some. Bob Forrest, as if reading my mind, poo-poos my daydream of fiscal independence. He asks Rodman if all the money brought problems along with it in the form of ass-kissers and sigh-cophants. First off, Bob, it’s sycophants. Second off, doors have locks. Rodman did not use his door locks often, however, and says he would have 2-300 people at his house five nights a week. I look back at my bills: mountain of money, lock my door, change my phone number. What’s the problem?
In her one-on-one session with Dr. Loveline, Heidi says she’s happy with her birds. Nothing wrong with that, right Drew? That’s the only thing she loves. Spoke too soon. Unhealthy, says Drew. But so is asbestos, so I classify birds as ‘not too bad’ in my McAwesome Medical Handbook of Health Disasters. Heidi used to have the phrase “I hate people” on her cell phone, and my opinion of her has shot up like Tom Sizemore in a Cambodian poppy field. I have had “shut up” on my cell for years. Who knew me and Heidi were super top secret soulmates?
Heidi reveals she has no friends. Somewhere in California, a parrot is stifling a cry.
Heidi also mentions she was “really in love” with Tom Sizemore for two months. That’s worth, like, seven Facebook hookups.
Meanwhile, Mindy is getting a brain scan. We lucky viewers get to see it. Let me create a word picture for it. Her brain…is effed up. Effed the hell up. Honestly, they screwed up this whole scene in the editing room. They’re going back and forth between brain pictures without explaining stuff. They talk about the temporal lobe (which is on the side) and then Mindy says that’s where her ex hit her repeatedly…on the back of her head. Just all around messed up editing. I don’t know why they didn’t salvage this with a voice over, but they didn’t.
Hold on to your hats, it’s family and friends night! Already? On day 5? Dude, I go faaaaaaaaaar longer than that without seeing my friends and family, and I’m a free man. Day 5? I’ve had zits longer than that, and they’re acting like they’ve been on a desert island and haven’t seen a human face in 17 years.
They’re serving corn again, so no one go near Mike’s bedroom tonight. Mike is actually in a great mood because his friend brought him some bass guitar picks. Mike passes them around as gifts. He even gives Shelly a Mike Starr Alice in Chains pick, which is a sweet gesture considering what he called her last ep. Shelly doesn’t know what AiC stands for, but that’s probably because she was high during the 90s. Mike tells Shelly that Specter makes a Mike Starr bass. He just wants to share his world with her. To reach out a little bit. Make amends for being a douche. To show her there’s more to him than a stomach full of half-digested corn with which he can fill a 10 x 14 foot room a foot deep in vomit. But what does she do? “Are you going to shoot the proceeds in your arm?” Boo, Shelly. Boo.
INT. Pasadena Recovery Center — Day
CUTE WOODLAND CREATURE
Hi Shelly, I’ve brought you a flower.
Nice. You going to stick it in some China cat and shove it up your ass?
ANGLE ON the flower which wilts sadly.
Still no sign of Tom Sizemore. And…scene.
Tom Sizemore. Drew and staff try to convince him to stay. Tom walks through the center and sees Rodman. “Are you all right, dog?” he captions, like a big goofy white tourist in Hip Hop Theme Park and Aquarium. Fo’ rizzle, yo. Mike meets him and says, “Oh what a nice guy; he’s so nice” a dozen times. I’m not sure Mike isn’t sniffing Cascade dishwashing powder on the side.
Tom’s blood test comes back. Opiates, benzos, meth and pot. All the necessary building blocks of the USDA food pyramid. He’s manic and wants to leave to “see his kids.” I’m using quotey fingers here because his “two kids” are Mary Jane and Harry Jones. Tom doesn’t care so he leaves.
“Him driving away from us now may be the last time we see him alive,” Drew voice-overs dramatically. Technically, Tom’s manager and agent drove the car. So what do they get? Ten percent of whatever meth he brings in? And is that net or gross?