Dr. Drew continues his madcap adventure recovering addicted former celebrities. And kssht is the sound a beer makes when I open it. Dr. Drew does his own recap of last episode (or at least the last 10 Sizemore-oriented minutes of last ep.). Of Tom he says, “Despite every attempt to keep him here he left.” Not one of those ‘attempts to keep him here’ involved employing any of the moves used by Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka.
Tom is back. After going AWOL for half a day, he shambles back high as a kite (if the kite were shooting heroin). His first order of business is the bathroom (we’ll get to that in a sec). We also meet his girlfriend, Monroe, who looks like a coked out hooker who hasn’t lost her teeth yet. Monroe seems high too, but she’s not a celeb so she don’t get no treatment. That’s how our health care system works.
After Tom passes out in bed, the staff searches his things. They find a balloon of heroin. To the bathroom the staff goes. They find Viagra, matches, foil, a cutting card and meth. All the fun ingredients for a little cooking station. While they express their concern for the other patients in the clinic, I wonder, “how do they make those little balloons for the heroin? Them druggies is clever sonsabitches.”
Shelly leads a group session about lying. Mack talks about how Papa John introduced her to cocaine and would use with her. Heidi Fleiss calls Mack, “Mack.” Awesome, I’m not the only one! Drew, meanwhile, gets jealous so he holds his own group session about rage and resentment. Joey Kovar is the star of this episode, so he tells us how he used to wear coke-bottle glasses as a kid which led to a lot of teasing. He would collect candy and then when he had a big enough bag would bring it out to share with the kids to buy their acceptance. Now he does it with drugs.
Commercial break. Shake Weight. I gotta take a deep breath here, kids. The Shake Weight. A full 30 second commercial (or was it 60 seconds) of women holding this long cylindrical weight in front of their face and shaking it. Up and down. Up and down. I expected a facial at the end. I don’t know what else this can possibly prepare you for in the fitness arena. Surely Vivid Video has given one of these to all their contract girls. I will say this right now: “Dear Shake Weight executives, I would like to direct your next commercial. I will do it free of charge. So much have you amused me, that I owe you at least that. It will be in the style of the old black and white Obsession commercials. ‘Shake Weight’ someone will whisper, while a female model jostles your tool a few inches from her mouth in slow motion. She flicks her tongue at it. ‘Shake Weight’ someone whispers again. Fade to black.”
Back to Joey. He’s getting into an argument on the phone with his pregnant girlfriend. She’s asking about money and he’s not having it. “My money,” he says. Uh, dude, your baby. (Oh, wait, before I forget, when the gf picks up the phone, Joey says, “Hi mama.” Yuck, just yuck. I hate when people call their significant others mommy or daddy or poppy or any of that crap. Jesus. Don’t be too transparent about your childhood/parental issue, eh?)
It’s an ugly phone call, and Joey comes off like a jerk. He storms off and once again it’s Dennis Rodman to the rescue. “Dude, fuck that. Uh-uh,” he advises. The next spin-off of Celebrity Rehab should be Rodman Rehab: Dr. Dennis Will See You Now. It would be a big hit.
Joey decides he is angry at all the cameramen, so he barges around the set (I mean, the clinic) and guess what happens when you’re on a reality show and you storm around angrily? If you answered, “Every cameraman on the show will jump on top of you like eyeliner to Amy Lee,” then you are correct. (Is Evanescence too old a reference already? Jesus I can’t keep up.)
I love the Celebrity Rehab field trips. So dumb. So manufactured. So unnecessary. To convince the gang to go, the staff must’ve bribed them with those Fla-Vor-Ice ice pops (the ones in a plastic tube). Out they come from the clinic, each sucking on an ice pop. Unreal.
Dr. Drew takes them to a junk yard “with my colleague, Psychologist Dr. Shirley.” Yeah, that sounds super professional. Tom Sizemore is still sleeping back at the Pasadena Recovery Center. Drew wishes Tom could’ve been here because it would’ve benefited him. So…uh…take him there later, Drew. Why does he get the B-team therapy? Drew’s arbitrary therapeutic decisions crack me the hell up.
Mack announces, “I have a family member who passed away who I’m pretty pissed off at.” “Excellent, excellent,” responds Drew. I have no further comment.
They don’t show much at the junkyard except for Joey who goes house on a car with a sledgehammer. (If I use ‘house’ to mean ‘apeshit’ does that date me from the 80s too much?) I’m extremely jealous of Joey for the first time; it looks like a lot of fun.
Tom wakes up after sleeping two days straight, says Drew, who is obviously not very good at math. Tom gives the ol’ addict’s lie about wanting to get better. Drew buys it. Tom and Heidi hang out. Bleh. Next segment, please.
Kari Ann Peniche is in trouble, says Dr. Drew. Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, he ducks into a phone booth and exits as…still Dr. Drew with Clark Kent tie. You may remember Kari Ann from such reality shows as Dr. Drew’s Sex Rehab and Grey’s Anatomy guy threesome sex tape. It’s awesome that her big career move this year is going back on a Dr. Drew show after getting kicked off the last one. See you in porn, Kari Ann.