Valentine’s Day with a Goompgomp

Baloomp, shuffled the Goompgomp, who walked with a limp. One leg was too big, the other had been lost years ago in a horrible fish jumping accident. The Goompgomps have conical pods for limbs and this one was no exception. Except for his right leg which had been lost years ago in a horrible fish jumping accident.


The Goompgomp

A large circular hole comprised the Goompgomp’s chest. Unlike his right leg, this had nothing to do with the horrible fish jumping accident. This was just a large circular hole in his chest.

He swung his pod-arms as he limped to keep balance. He swung them harder to quicken his pace. He wished he swung them even harder on the day of the horrible fish jumping accident. He sidled up next to a rock on a hill. “Hi Rock,” said the Goompgomp. “Rock,” replied the rock. “I don’t have a partner for Valentine’s Day,” said the Goompgomp. “Do you?” “Rock,” replied the rock. The Goompgomp looked left and right and upside-down. He did not see any other rocks. This made the Goompgomp very happy. It seemed this rock was single.

Sitting down was a painstaking process for the Goompgomp, particularly since Goompgomps don’t have knees. He leaned over and spread his good leg out. He swung his missing leg around and whoomp he sat with a bounce. His right leg he replaced with a pegleg, much like a pirate. He had to walk very gingerly because he also stored his reading glasses on the pegleg. It might not seem to you that this is a good place to store one’s reading glasses, but Goompgomps have no nose or pockets. He considered himself lucky that he should have so convenient a place as a pegleg to store his reading glasses. So he did. And he walked very gingerly on it so as not to dislodge them.

One time he did not walk as gingerly as he should and he stepped on a loaf of bread. The loaf grew stale and hard very quickly, but some mold blossomed at the edges. When he first stepped on the loaf, the Goompgomp smiled because it reminded him of his leg–lost in a horrible fish jumping accident long ago–except smaller. If his leg had been smaller long ago, perhaps he wouldn’t not have lost it in the Great Fish Jumping Tournament.

He looked down by his pegleg. His reading glasses had become dislodged during the whoomp and fell to the side. The Goompgomp picked them up. There was a crack across one of the lenses. This made the Goompgomp very sad. He thought for a moment and remembered he did not have any books with him. He became less sad but still sad as there are not many certified reading glass technicians among the Goompgomps. The Goompgomps have conical pods for limbs, which is a detriment for the profession.

“You look lonely up here, rock,” he said. “It’s Valentine’s Day, you know.” He place one pod-arm near the rock. “I do not have anyone to be with today,” he said. The rock stared at the hole in the Goompgomp’s chest.

“Long ago, I did have someone.” The rock stared back at the hill, embarrassed to bring up such a painful memory for the Goompgomp but also not wanting to hear a long boring story. “It was the day of the Great Fish Jumping Tournament,” continued the Goompgomp. “My Valentine’s Day partner was there too. We had spent the whole summer together and were quite happy. We were very, very happy. I kept her near me whenever I could. Sometimes she would let me keep her inside me.” The rock stared at the hole in his chest. “I kept her inside all day and night before the Great Fish Jumping Tournament, but just before my first jump, she fell out.”

The rock stared at the hole in his chest. She had always sat on a hill. This hill. For a half-billion years since the glacier picked her up for a whirlwind affair that lasted a scant 10 million years. On the hill she sat. Oh, how she missed the mighty river, her lover before the glacier. The river rushed her down the mountain, bouncing over other rocks, into holes, out of holes, churning through the water. The river deposited her in a hole at the river bank. There she sat for eons, held tightly in the cold mud. The sun would dry the mud. Its grip tightened. The rains loosened its grip but refreshed its sticky embrace. The ebb and flow of the sun and rains comforted her mood. She sat in the hole at the river bank for many years until the glacier picked her up, yanking her from her lover whom she would never see again. She missed that hole.

“When she fell out, I lost my concentration,” continued the Goompgomp. “It was a horrible crash and I lost my leg.” The rock stared at the hole in his chest. She missed her hole.

“Would you like to come with me on my walk? And be my partner on this Valentine’s Day?” he asked. “Rock,” said the rock. The Goompgomp smiled and picked up the rock with his pod-hands. The rock stared at the hole in his chest. He placed her in front of him between his legs. He reached back, pushed off the ground with his pod-arms and, whoomp, landed on the rock, wedging her between his buttocks.

“This is the best Valentine’s Day since my fish jumping accident,” said the Goompgomp, who was very fond of the butt-wedging love ritual of the Goompgomps.


    1. What the hell…

    2. LMAO! Makes perfect nonsense…awesome!

      I feel for the rock.

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