April 2005 archive

April 1
April Fool’s
This year, Team Awesome is taking a resolute stand against April Fool’s Day. No hilarious redesign of the site. No interweb equivalent of the whoopie cushion. Nothing. We. Got. Nothin.

April 2
I cannot improve on this headline…
Easter Bunny gets pummeled by boy at mall
BAY CITY, Mich. — The Easter Bunny is hopping mad. Bryan Johnson, who portrays the furry character at the Bay City Mall, says he was pummeled in an unprovoked attack on the job. Police say the attacker was a 12-year-old boy who sat on Johnson’s lap the day before the March 18 incident.

Johnson, 18, suffered a bloody nose. He kept his cool during the attack, deeming it inappropriate for the Easter Bunny to fight back. But he’s not willing to forgive and forget.

“They (the sheriff’s deputies) told me it was up to me, and I feel that the boy should be prosecuted,” Johnson told The Bay City Times.

Johnson told Bay County Sheriff’s deputies that the boy hit him in the face at least six times before running away.

Comeuppance for the talentless Pat O’Brien
Pat O’Brien is a perv. Opie and Anthony broke it. Some dude broke down the voice mail tapes in hilarious detail. Enjoy. …Oh, and on an unrelated note, what the hell happened to spring?

April 3
I ran for Pope – You heard right. I’m running for pope. Alert your local Cardinal. *I launched my bid for the Papacy. This was a multi-part series.

April 4
Pope, part 2 – Only took 24 hours for Greg McAwesome to stick a shieve in my back. Thanks man.

April 5, 7, 11, 14
4 Pope campaign ads – Greg and I launch a media blitz.

April 11
Border States – I review the next Franz Ferdinand.

April 18
Greg’s exclusive interview for Pope – what a shoddy Pope he’d have been.

April 19
Pope-mobile 5000 – Today I unveil my plans for eight cylinders of consecrated cool.

April 20
Pope Benedict? – Are you kidding me? Look me in the eye and tell me Pope McAwesome doesn’t have a better ring to it. I’ll tell you this: He’s sure as hell not going to have as cool a Pope-mobile as I would have had. Not to mention, I’m decades younger. I could’ve led the Catholic flock for years. Plus, I’m much better looking.

April 22
One of my friend’s bands, The Border States, who I’ve discussed at some length already, are playing their first Manhattan gig, called Bright Lights, Big City. Will they survive? Or will they be chewed up by the city they so desperately revere? (Sat. 4/23 8pm The Delancey, NYC) Oh yeah, Cliff the bassist is doing something totally un-rockstar-like. He’s trying to run his first triathalon. I think it’s some type of Herbalife scam or something cuz he’s asking for money, and judging by this link, not a small amount of money either. I’m fairly certain the demographic of my readers consists mostly of people earning gazillions of American dollars. So I’m sure you’ll have no problem coughing up a few ducats for Cliff’s rather dubious enterprise. And then you should throw some cash money my way. I absolutely guarantee none of it will go towards my running a triathalon. Ah, one more thing, yet another gig at The Delancey: Dynasty is debuting their first CD April 27. Could someone please act as my ad rep and wring some money out of these Delancey people? Not incidentally, if Maximum Awesome ever becomes a “valued source of rock band listings” I hope you’ll have the courtesy to crack my noggin with a heavy blunt object. *link removed*

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