Lucky Charms has Crystal Balls

Lucky Charms gazes into the crystal ball and sees his future as a small man with rotten teeth.

Lucky gazes into the crystal ball and sees his future as a small man with rotten teeth.

Lucky has a lot of hobbies: running from kids, hiding bowls of cereal, traveling via rainbow, pulling purple horseshoes off My Little Pony and cramming them in cereal boxes, running from more kids, stamp collecting, and learning how to be a fortune teller.

Here’s how the scam goes. Lucky convinces some stupid kids to cough up a fiver apiece. They watch a lot of paranormal shows on cable, so they’re gullible as hell. Lucky moves his hands around a plastic crystal ball. He clicks a hidden button on the floor with his foot. Lights flicker. The globe clouds over. One of the girls in the group makes up her mind that she’s totally going to make out with Seth tonight, because he’s being so, so brave during the crystal ball phenomena.

When he’s alone, Lucky talks to the crystal ball and asks pithy questions like:
Did a dragon steal Lucky’s magic emeralds? No. Does the Blue Moon Charm make Lucky invisible? Yes. Is lucky the last leprachaun? Yes. He needs a mate and fast. By the way, these are actual questions and answers from the box. I have no idea what the dragon and the invisible blue moon have to do with anything. The crystal ball marshmallows utilize a type of super top secret cryptography. Milk reveals the answer to your own conundrums should you posit potentially life changing questions to your breakfast cereal. This is confusing, of course, if your bowl has more than one crystal ball marshmallow, which it most certainly will.

Let’s review, shall we? Cure for cancer? No. Air cars? No. Crystal ball marshmallows that reveal metaphysical truths when exposed to milk? Yes. Sweet land of liberty…of thee I sing.

Back to the 2009 Cereal Awareness Month celebration.


    1. Holy Crystal Ball Batman! Why didn’t they have this when I was a kid? It could have saved me four years of college on a worthless degree.


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